I've had good luck on OKCupid recently, but it took a while of figuring out exactly what I wanted and how to find them on the site as well as being truly emotionally ready myself. And I also don't think it would have worked before I'd even divorced (I am now several years post-divorce and online dating is just now clicking for me, even though I tried it for a long time before that). If you are still searching out divorce support groups, I don't know how successful you are going to be at online dating...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:4:58 - I think a lot of people use the race/culture/ethnicity commonality as a screening device to ensure they might have other experiences in common, maybe? Sometimes having a type can make it easier to narrow down the pool of prospects, maybe?

Which in my circle would mean missing out on the black dudes who are no different, culturally, than the white guys in my circle - similar upbringing, education, career, hobbies, friends. Or missing out on getting to know the cool middle eastern guy down the hall who is very similar to me, personality-wise.

Could be, but I differ on this when it comes to OKC and my experience. Every single one of these sites gives us filters to determine our matches. So everyone can pretty much filter by race/ethnicity, whatever. The thing with OKC though is that it also asks if you would prefer to 'go out' with someone of your own 'race or skin color.' The fact that a person would answer YES to this question-meaning that they would NEVER want to be seen out with someone of another skin color-pretty much tells you that skin color is still an issue for most in America. Btw, so you know, my matches are mostly from America even though I have connected with people from both England and across Europe.

This is part of the reason I might make it my 2015 NY resolution get off there and look for my next LTR from my own social circle.

That is only a question, it is not a main part of the profile. Users can contribute questions. You're being deliberately obtuse. In the case of that question, it is asking if you want to date someone outside of your race. It isn't saying people don't want to be seen out in public with other races!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:4:58 - I think a lot of people use the race/culture/ethnicity commonality as a screening device to ensure they might have other experiences in common, maybe? Sometimes having a type can make it easier to narrow down the pool of prospects, maybe?

Which in my circle would mean missing out on the black dudes who are no different, culturally, than the white guys in my circle - similar upbringing, education, career, hobbies, friends. Or missing out on getting to know the cool middle eastern guy down the hall who is very similar to me, personality-wise.

Could be, but I differ on this when it comes to OKC and my experience. Every single one of these sites gives us filters to determine our matches. So everyone can pretty much filter by race/ethnicity, whatever. The thing with OKC though is that it also asks if you would prefer to 'go out' with someone of your own 'race or skin color.' The fact that a person would answer YES to this question-meaning that they would NEVER want to be seen out with someone of another skin color-pretty much tells you that skin color is still an issue for most in America. Btw, so you know, my matches are mostly from America even though I have connected with people from both England and across Europe.

This is part of the reason I might make it my 2015 NY resolution get off there and look for my next LTR from my own social circle.

What are you talking about?

Just because someone prefers to date someone of the same color, does not mean they don't want to be seen out with them? It just means they prefer someone with the same skin color. Just like hair color. Or height. Or weight.

Get over it.

Anonymous wrote:4:58 - I think a lot of people use the race/culture/ethnicity commonality as a screening device to ensure they might have other experiences in common, maybe? Sometimes having a type can make it easier to narrow down the pool of prospects, maybe?

Which in my circle would mean missing out on the black dudes who are no different, culturally, than the white guys in my circle - similar upbringing, education, career, hobbies, friends. Or missing out on getting to know the cool middle eastern guy down the hall who is very similar to me, personality-wise.

Could be, but I differ on this when it comes to OKC and my experience. Every single one of these sites gives us filters to determine our matches. So everyone can pretty much filter by race/ethnicity, whatever. The thing with OKC though is that it also asks if you would prefer to 'go out' with someone of your own 'race or skin color.' The fact that a person would answer YES to this question-meaning that they would NEVER want to be seen out with someone of another skin color-pretty much tells you that skin color is still an issue for most in America. Btw, so you know, my matches are mostly from America even though I have connected with people from both England and across Europe.

This is part of the reason I might make it my 2015 NY resolution get off there and look for my next LTR from my own social circle.

I stuck with Tinder. It is like online speed dating. Weed out the shitty matches pretty fast.

4:58 - I think a lot of people use the race/culture/ethnicity commonality as a screening device to ensure they might have other experiences in common, maybe? Sometimes having a type can make it easier to narrow down the pool of prospects, maybe?

Which in my circle would mean missing out on the black dudes who are no different, culturally, than the white guys in my circle - similar upbringing, education, career, hobbies, friends. Or missing out on getting to know the cool middle eastern guy down the hall who is very similar to me, personality-wise.

When I first tried match.com, I only got three inquiries (and I'm a woman). This was pretty rough on my ego! You are probably thinking you don't need them, but I read a few good books on online dating. I realized my profile was overly negative, even though I thought it was funny and weeding out men I didn't want to meet anyway. And I needed different photos. Someone will now post that only losers need to read books about this, but they helped me and maybe they will help someone else. I found Love at First Click by Laurie Davis to be pretty helpful, and there are others.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dumb question here (not OP) but do you have to be Jewish to go In J-date? I'm not Jewish but my ex is, so I have a clearly Jewish last name.

No you do not have to be Jewish.

Indian-American guy here - I've suddenly had a string of dates/matches with jewish american women on okc. I told one of my okc dates that she was the 7th jewish woman that i've gone out with from okc (all in a row - and i'm not searching for jewish women mind you) and she laughed and asked if she could make a jdate profile for me.

I was weirded out but hell, perhaps this is a market I'm underestimating

I am PP at 14:02. My spin-off question would be why does it all matter; Jewish, Indian, blah blah blah? It doesn't help that I am across the Atlantic, and in England and Europe, we date whoever we want. Culture is important, but very few use it to restrict their chances at happiness. It is ironic that race/culture/ethnicity are still issues in America when the rest of the world, including Canada, has long moved on and see people as people.

FWIW, I am Caribbean, and I have dated women from different cultures, including a very beautiful Persian (who happened to grow up Muslim) who I am good friends with to this day. Online though, these women would never look my way, including Jewish women. Regardless, in these parts, 'interracial' dating is quite the norm, and you are viewed as weird and stuck up if you haven't, even ostracized from some social circles!

So why is there such a big deal about race, culture and ethnicity in dating in America?!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dumb question here (not OP) but do you have to be Jewish to go In J-date? I'm not Jewish but my ex is, so I have a clearly Jewish last name.

No you do not have to be Jewish.

Indian-American guy here - I've suddenly had a string of dates/matches with jewish american women on okc. I told one of my okc dates that she was the 7th jewish woman that i've gone out with from okc (all in a row - and i'm not searching for jewish women mind you) and she laughed and asked if she could make a jdate profile for me.

I was weirded out but hell, perhaps this is a market I'm underestimating

Anonymous wrote:I'm PP @9:49, and I want to kind of respond to @14:02 - yes, he is correct that men and women will initiate based on looks - the meat market. As a result, people will misrepresent; women do this as much as men - men lie about height and hair more, women about weight more.
It is also true that the better looking you are the easier it is, and that in person, you get a chance to show them your personality.

There's a pretty easy cure for this: do not waste time dicking around "online". Meet them, fast, in person. Even if their pictures are current, there is zero substitute for in-person communication: body language, demeanor, the sound of your voice, etc. Meet them somewhere public and safe - no giving out personal information in advance - for a low-cost (time and $$) in person meeting. Coffee, one cocktail. 15-30 minutes commitment, tops. Don't wast time on emails, etc. No need for elaborate escape plans.

Also: personally, as much as I love nice-to-look-at women, I preferred OKC because of their lengthy questionnaire. There were many women who were not the number one ranked on their photos alone, but who I could just tell were vastly preferable people to spend time with (for me) and were therefore a lot more attractive. So, if you want to get beyond just meat-market photos, I highly recommend OKC.

That's true with any human interaction. But what online cannot measure is in-person presence. I see professional pictures where a person looks great but in real life, not so much and vice versa. Also, not everyone is interested in what is generally considered attractive. I have a friend, tall, blond WASP who likes balding, funny Jewish guys - go figure. I like slightly nerdy partners with glasses. To each their own!

Anonymous wrote:Dumb question here (not OP) but do you have to be Jewish to go In J-date? I'm not Jewish but my ex is, so I have a clearly Jewish last name.

No you do not have to be Jewish.

I'm PP @9:49, and I want to kind of respond to @14:02 - yes, he is correct that men and women will initiate based on looks - the meat market. As a result, people will misrepresent; women do this as much as men - men lie about height and hair more, women about weight more.
It is also true that the better looking you are the easier it is, and that in person, you get a chance to show them your personality.

There's a pretty easy cure for this: do not waste time dicking around "online". Meet them, fast, in person. Even if their pictures are current, there is zero substitute for in-person communication: body language, demeanor, the sound of your voice, etc. Meet them somewhere public and safe - no giving out personal information in advance - for a low-cost (time and $$) in person meeting. Coffee, one cocktail. 15-30 minutes commitment, tops. Don't wast time on emails, etc. No need for elaborate escape plans.

Also: personally, as much as I love nice-to-look-at women, I preferred OKC because of their lengthy questionnaire. There were many women who were not the number one ranked on their photos alone, but who I could just tell were vastly preferable people to spend time with (for me) and were therefore a lot more attractive. So, if you want to get beyond just meat-market photos, I highly recommend OKC.

I think some of the sites like OK Cupid and eHarmony demand more out of the searcher - you have to answer more questions and put more thought into it - and might attract a better caliber of people who are willing to put the time in to write a thoughtful profile.

I feel like Tinder is more of a hookup thing since it's so instant and the physical attraction thing is so front and center. I also think this because a bunch of my guy friends use it to find women with whom to hook up.

I tried Match for a bit and found that lots of the guys misrepresented themselves a bit or a lot. OKCupid found me a bunch of guys whose personalities seemed really interesting to me, but who weren't always physically attractive or geographically dateable.

I am PP at 08:47.

OP, there are no 'best' dating sites as you can see. We all have different experiences. I just do better meeting women from my social circles (Latin music dancing, live music events, the average Jane who says hi, etc), than online. I suspect a lot of it is visual related and online dating is a very visual minefield where only models, airbrushed and photogenic profiles get a lot of hits. Black guys like me will never get a lot of hits, I suspect because of the centuries old Western conception of beauty with its European and Middle Eastern cleavages (no pun intended). That's just the world in which we live. During live interaction, a person's personality always comes through and that is only when a lot of people can see pass their stereotypes of beauty and attraction. Anyway, that's my private assessment of it.

I should also quickly add that not every man clicks on all things female. Although I only date women from other ethnicities, I have moved on from judging people based on their physical attributes, and really analyze a woman's profile and her answers to questions. So after five months on OKC, about 80 likes and couple contacts here and there, I have passed on my fair share of women (who initiate contact).

Having said that, as another PP hinted, online dating is a good way for you OP to get a safe FWB (hopefully) to keep you occupied until you are fully ready to share your life again, and be vulnerable to another person emotionally.

P.S. I don't necessarily subscribe to the view that marriage is always the happy ending. The fact that another PP got two serious relationships out of online dating is reason enough to celebrate. Marriage is just a civil contract, not a determinant of long-term happiness.