Anonymous wrote:DH here. I had a female friend (totally platonic) who absolutely hated my wife when we were dating. We were literally best buds and had been friends for like 10 years before the fallout. She tried to convince me to cancel my engagement (despite being over the moon). It was nuts but really killed the friendship.

My marriage is fine, however, 17 years later.

Uh, I don't think the relationship was totally platonic to her...

LOL @ Addicted to weed.

Anonymous wrote:A good friend of mine married someone everyone in our circle of friends thought was a horrible person who would make her miserable. I really don't think there's anything you can do about that if they don't ask your opinion. You can try to encourage them to talk about things, but not talk them out of the marriage. I actually lost a lot of respect for my friend because she chose to marry a guy like that (rich, but a complete asshole).

Fast forward 10 years, my friend is still married to the person and absolutely miserable. Almost every person from our social circle has cut off the relationship with her because he's so toxic. I still keep in touch, but don't see them since I moved far away. It's very sad. But I really don't know what else could have been done.

Similar situation with my closest gf but her husband is broke. He has a terrible attitude and absolutely hates everyone that has more than him, yet he spends all of his free time playing video games instead of trying to better his life. He is addicted to weed, was arrested on felony charges, cheated on my friend and gave her an incurable STD and yet she still got engaged to and married him (and honestly I think she's the one that pushed the issue to keep up with her girlfriends). Surprise surprise, she found out he was once again cheating with someone else right after they got married and is still generally an insufferable asshole. I stopped visiting with her and invited them to my house because I just cannot stand her husband. I'm not the only one, either. I talk with her on the phone almost daily but just cannot be around him.

DH's best friend is engaged and we believe it will end in disaster. The woman has a drinking problem, an eating disorder, employment challenges and anger issues. But, our friend is in his 40s, never married, is tired of the dating scene and doesn't want to be alone any more. DH has expressed his concerns but said he would support his friend no matter what. I hope I'm wrong but given my experience with substance abuse issues and untreated mental illness, the odds are this marriage will be awful. But, what can we do?

I am someone who did not call it off, even though a few different people/friends tried to dissuade me. I stayed married to her for 16 years; the first half was in a real attempt to make it work, the second half was just inertia and a belief that disentangling financially would be too hard. I was completely wrong about that.

Most people were surprised that it fell apart (after so long) though I think most expected it to fall apart in the first couple of years. After the divorce I did tell the people who said something to me that they were right. I also learned to listen to and trust my friends.

Those saying it probably won't change anything are also probably correct, but it won't force them to go through with it and it won't necessarily cost you their friendship. Don't talk about the fiance...talk about your friend and whether they seem happy or not.

Anonymous wrote:I am someone who DID call off a wedding due to the comments of a good friend. One day when we were talking I had complained about something related to my fiance. My friend pointed out that I seemed unhappy, and that I should really think about what I was getting myself into. It was just the seed I needed planted in my mind to come up with the strength to call it off. Everything was planned. I had the dress and had already put deposits down everything else.

I hope you are very thankful for this friend. I wish I had a friend like that!

A good friend of mine married someone everyone in our circle of friends thought was a horrible person who would make her miserable. I really don't think there's anything you can do about that if they don't ask your opinion. You can try to encourage them to talk about things, but not talk them out of the marriage. I actually lost a lot of respect for my friend because she chose to marry a guy like that (rich, but a complete asshole).

Fast forward 10 years, my friend is still married to the person and absolutely miserable. Almost every person from our social circle has cut off the relationship with her because he's so toxic. I still keep in touch, but don't see them since I moved far away. It's very sad. But I really don't know what else could have been done.

Anonymous wrote:
Would you tell a man not to marry a woman after they are engaged. No one ever thought a proposal would happen. Now everyone is too scared to say what we all are thinking.

I would only do this to a close friend or family member. If I were close to them, they'd probably already know I wasn't a fan of their GF. So they wouldn't be caught off guard if I said something after a proposal.

I've done it one time. I won't get in to why I disliked his GF, but he knew I did. Once they were engaged, I sat down with him and just said: "I love you man like a brother. I am happy for you no matter what you decide to do in life. But I feel I have to tell you that marriage is not required man. Make sure you REALLY want to spend the rest of your life with her before walking that aisle. I'll support you in whatever you do.". And left it at. Never brought up again.

She cheated multiple times, they've divorced, and he has been back/forth with her for years. Oh well.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It depends on why you don't think it's a good idea for them to marry. If it's just because you don't like the woman, that's one thing. If it's because she is dangerous, that's something else.

Exactly. Only speak up if it's a life or death situation, because people have become happy and stable in marriages that no one thought would last.

I think this is correct. My best friend married someone she shouldn't have. We could all see it coming. She postponed the wedding and I thought she might be in the clear, but she ended up marrying him anyway. They separated within months. I couldn't have gotten through to her if I tried. All I could do was be supportive. Now she is happily remarried and has been for five years. He remarried too and is apparently really happy. People make mistakes. You can't prevent them from making theirs and they can't prevent you from making yours.

This. Everyone will end up working out their lives just fine, even if it's not the way we wish they would.

I am someone who DID call off a wedding due to the comments of a good friend. One day when we were talking I had complained about something related to my fiance. My friend pointed out that I seemed unhappy, and that I should really think about what I was getting myself into. It was just the seed I needed planted in my mind to come up with the strength to call it off. Everything was planned. I had the dress and had already put deposits down everything else.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It depends on why you don't think it's a good idea for them to marry. If it's just because you don't like the woman, that's one thing. If it's because she is dangerous, that's something else.

Exactly. Only speak up if it's a life or death situation, because people have become happy and stable in marriages that no one thought would last.

I think this is correct. My best friend married someone she shouldn't have. We could all see it coming. She postponed the wedding and I thought she might be in the clear, but she ended up marrying him anyway. They separated within months. I couldn't have gotten through to her if I tried. All I could do was be supportive. Now she is happily remarried and has been for five years. He remarried too and is apparently really happy. People make mistakes. You can't prevent them from making theirs and they can't prevent you from making yours.

What about that part in the wedding where the pastor/justice of the peace, etc. asks if anyone has any objections why this union should not take place....to speak now or forever hold your peace.....??!

Anonymous wrote:It depends on why you don't think it's a good idea for them to marry. If it's just because you don't like the woman, that's one thing. If it's because she is dangerous, that's something else.

Exactly. Only speak up if it's a life or death situation, because people have become happy and stable in marriages that no one thought would last.

If you really are concerned, yes, you can say something. But that "something" has to be all about your friend:

"You're always anxious when you're around her, and that's not like you."
"You've given up your hobby/passion for ___ because he doesn't like it. I'm concerned."
"I never see you smile or light up when you talk about her or when you're together."
"I can't think of a time when you weren't fighting with him. It shouldn't be this hard."

Another +1 for she won't listen to you. I had a cousin marry the most cartoonishly awful man that EVERYONE begged her not to- her family, her friends, her coworkers, etc. Once someone is in a serious relationship, it is just too late.