Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Normally I am matter-of-fact and honest about things but I might wait as long as possible on this one and go with "she was really sick" for as long as possible. Suicide is contagious, we know that, and because of that it's something that I want to keep my kids unaware of for as long as I can. This is fear-based, not because I think it is something shameful.

Suicide is not contagious. Suicide is more likely to be seen as an acceptable choice when a known family member or known acquaintance commits suicide but it is no way 'contagious'. You would be wise to talk to them about it before someone they know - or heard of - commits suicide. Just like sex and drugs, your kids will learn about suicide whether you tell them about it or not. You aren't helping them by giving into your fear.

It can be contagious.

http://nyti.ms/VkeRa4

Op, just stop lying to your kids. You don't have to tell them everything. Heal a little yourself, first. Just don't tell them anything that knowing the full truth will reveal as a lie.

Your mother was sick and died before she could get better. She didn't get to the doctor in time. It won't happen to you (kids) because you go to the doctor regularly and when you are feeling sick.

https://www.afsp.org/coping-with-suicide-loss/where-do-i-begin/helping-children-understand

I tend to feel that these perspectives accentuate the shame and stigma around suicide and (except possibly in the case of my therapist) do not reflect the reality of how children see the world and the best way to build bonds with them. The fact is, if my sister had died in a car accident or of cancer, my son would already know her cause of death. I really hate that because she killed herself we are expected not to share this.

I feel strongly that another motivating factor is that it is very difficult for a 5 year old child to process. My cousin was murdered when I was 8, and my parents were very open with me about it. I really wish they hadn't been, because I was not ready to handle the information at all.

OP, this is 22:27 again. I just wanted to address the point that your father does not want you tell anyone outside your family about your mother's suicide. This is really a difficult burden he is placing on you (though I know he may not see it that way at all), and I do not think it is his secret to control. It might be worth consulting a therapist if only to discuss this specific issue. I can't imagine how I would cope with my sister's violent death if my parents insisted that the way she died be kept secret. Being able to be open about it is one thing that has kept me going.

I wish you all the best.

OP, I'm so glad you posted this. We are in a similar position. My sister committed suicide three years ago when my son was 2 1/2. We have not told him yet but we are generally quite open about the fact that she has died, that we miss her, talking about the different toys she gave him, etc. It's a fine balance between not hiding it and not creating a ghost who hovers over his life. I really want to tell him about the suicide but have so far held off. I feel that at this point, I would be telling him for me, not for him, and there is no real reason to share this right now. That said, I will never lie about it. If he asks specific questions I will be open. I feel that there have been enough secrets in my family and I don't want to create any more. I expect we will tell him in the next couple years, as it comes up naturally. My philosophy has been to follow his lead and not go beyond whatever questions he's asking.

We have spoken informally to a couple "professionals" and frankly I've found it disappointing. His teacher was appalled that we would even consider sharing this with a child so young; my own therapist thinks we should wait but admits she knows nothing about child psychology; a school psychologist felt we should wait until he is a teenager and then share only because it is relevant medical history. I tend to feel that these perspectives accentuate the shame and stigma around suicide and (except possibly in the case of my therapist) do not reflect the reality of how children see the world and the best way to build bonds with them. The fact is, if my sister had died in a car accident or of cancer, my son would already know her cause of death. I really hate that because she killed herself we are expected not to share this. It's not clear to me that sharing with young children is damaging to them, but at the same time I don't know enough to emphatically say that it's not, so I've held back. We have taken him on suicide prevention walks and explained that other people there are walking for people whom they loved and who died, but again, we do this without mentioning suicide.

The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention has some good information about talking to children about suicide. http://www.afsp.org/coping-with-suicide-loss/where-do-i-begin/helping-children-understand They recommend openness even at very young ages. I have two friends who have lost brothers and both told their young children (around age 5/6) the cause of death and the manner of death (a gun in both cases). Both felt it was unquestionably the right thing to do, and several years later have no regrets. It has been an ongoing conversation with their children and they have seen no signs that their children have been traumatized or negatively affected by learning this information.

For others who have told their children about a suicide in the family, I am curious exactly how you described it and what you said. It's a really tough issue and I wish it weren't so. It's hard enough to live with this loss as it is.

My father killed himself about 15 years ago - well before I had kids. My kids (currently 9 and 7) started asking about my dad a few years ago. I told them he died and when they ask how did he die, I mentioned he wasn't well, that he was sick. They accepted that answer. At that point, they were too young to learn about suicide. If they ask when they are older, I'll give more details.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My uncle killed himself when I was very young. 8 maybe? I knew about it. I also recommend telling. Suicide is the result of an illness, and shouldn't be something to be ashamed of.

+1. I favor being open about this, even though your father feels differently. OP, if there is anyone you "owe" privacy to, it was your mother while she was alive. But, you do not owe that same privacy to your dad about his wife's illness/suicide. Your mom's suicide and it's effects are equally the story of all those loved ones around her. When someone ill demands we not speak about these issues, we often defer to them in the hopes that agreeing to keep their secret will at least encourage them to come out and speak to some key family members or health professionals when they really do need help. I'm not sure that's the right approach, but I am sure that it is what motivates many family members to keep the secret.

When the ill/suicidal person is gone, there is, IMO, absolutely no reason to keep the secret. Doing so only sends the message to others -- children in particular -- that there is something shameful about suicide and/or being depressed enough to consider suicide. At that point, speaking about the suicide both helps remaining family members deal and can be part of a suicide prevention/education efforts for the rest of the family.

This is 17:07. I agree with the PPs. You owed your mother privacy but it is unhealthy to keep her suicide secret. Doing so teaches your children that her death and mental illness are shameful. They are not. The stigma regarding mental illness and suicide prevent people from getting the treatment they need. We need to remove the barriers and the only way to do it is to shine a non-judgmental light on it. Actions speak louder than words. If you suppress the truth, your kids will infer there's a reason for it - and it probably won't be the reason you want it to be.

By the time I met DH, my father and two brothers were dead. However, my kids were old enough to know my ILs prior to my ILs' death. We didn't hide the reasons my ILs died, why would we hide the reasons for my father/brothers' death? We talk about lifestyle choices that keep us healthy and ones that hurt our health. That doesn't just include food and exercise, it also includes healthy and non-healthy thoughts. It's important for kids to know they can reach out for support and assistance when they need help maintaining a healthy life. It's even more so in families where there's a history of depression.

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't tell them as a teenager or a child. Teens are at risk themselves, and that news only makes the risk seem worse. I'd wait til they're in college.

This is 17:07. You're advice is appallingly ignorant about mental illness and suicide.

I wouldn't tell them as a teenager or a child. Teens are at risk themselves, and that news only makes the risk seem worse. I'd wait til they're in college.

Anonymous wrote:My uncle killed himself when I was very young. 8 maybe? I knew about it. I also recommend telling. Suicide is the result of an illness, and shouldn't be something to be ashamed of.

+1. I favor being open about this, even though your father feels differently. OP, if there is anyone you "owe" privacy to, it was your mother while she was alive. But, you do not owe that same privacy to your dad about his wife's illness/suicide. Your mom's suicide and it's effects are equally the story of all those loved ones around her. When someone ill demands we not speak about these issues, we often defer to them in the hopes that agreeing to keep their secret will at least encourage them to come out and speak to some key family members or health professionals when they really do need help. I'm not sure that's the right approach, but I am sure that it is what motivates many family members to keep the secret.

When the ill/suicidal person is gone, there is, IMO, absolutely no reason to keep the secret. Doing so only sends the message to others -- children in particular -- that there is something shameful about suicide and/or being depressed enough to consider suicide. At that point, speaking about the suicide both helps remaining family members deal and can be part of a suicide prevention/education efforts for the rest of the family.

Anonymous wrote:Normally I am matter-of-fact and honest about things but I might wait as long as possible on this one and go with "she was really sick" for as long as possible. Suicide is contagious, we know that, and because of that it's something that I want to keep my kids unaware of for as long as I can. This is fear-based, not because I think it is something shameful.

Suicide is not contagious. Suicide is more likely to be seen as an acceptable choice when a known family member or known acquaintance commits suicide but it is no way 'contagious'. You would be wise to talk to them about it before someone they know - or heard of - commits suicide. Just like sex and drugs, your kids will learn about suicide whether you tell them about it or not. You aren't helping them by giving into your fear.

Anonymous wrote:I assume this means that either you or your partner/DH/DW has a parent who committed suicide. Do either of you engage in counseling to work through that, especially if it was recent? If you do, ask this question of your therapist. If you don't, consider asking your pediatrician or primary care doc their thoughts.

Not saying don't ask on DCUM, but seriously, if one of you went through the suicide of a parent, I'd hope you are connected to some sort of structured supports (support groups or therapists), and that is the best place to start with this question. There may be general answers, but some things also depend on your specific family situation and your kids personalities. Talk to someone in detail about this for better advice.

I agree with this. It's a question to put to a professional. I would think college age or even older, however, I would disclose it with a purposeful conversation than letting something slip out at a family gathering.

My uncle killed himself when I was very young. 8 maybe? I knew about it. I also recommend telling. Suicide is the result of an illness, and shouldn't be something to be ashamed of.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. My mother hanged herself when my kids were under 5. At the time I could not begin to imagine how to tell them what had happened, so I lied. I also deferred to my father's wishes not to share this information with anyone outside our family. He is still living, and I will respect his wishes during his lifetime.

I am not ashamed of what my mother did, but it is a burden for me in the sense that I think of it often, and it is always painful. It's the pain that I wish I could spare my children and the wondering whether this is what lies in their future, but perhaps they will not be affected as I have been. I know I have to tell them eventually, but they have not shown any curiosity about the subject so far. I may need to be the one to broach the issue and haven't decided when to do it.

I appreciate the thoughts of those of you who have dealt with this firsthand.

Im not trying to be rude, but seems like you need help with this situation, not your children. Your children dont know her and will be fine. As far as respecting your fathers wishes, thats on you, but i wouldnt lie about it.

OP, I agree with PP and my mother finally killed herself in her third attempt. Her first was when I was a toddler, the second was when I was in high school and she died from suicide when I was 30 with two kids under 3. I would say since I was about 10 or 11 my mom was very open about her depression and wanted her daughters to watch for it-- it is completely genetic in our family and two of my sisters suffer from it. I remember exactly where we were when she told me. It was that shocking to me.

When did this happen? I have always been open with my kids about how my mom died. When they were little it was more along the lines of she was so sad here on Earth that she wanted to be with God. They are older now (oldest in 8th grade) and have known for years the specifics. I don't remember when we told them but it is something we have never hidden from them. My Dad, like yours, doesn't want anyone to know which is fine for him and they did hide her depression from us kids for years. I won't do that to my kids. Mental illness isn't something to hide or be ashamed of, that is what killed my Mom. God forbid one of my kids goes down that path. I don't want them to think they have to hide it or put on a smile when they are in so much pain.

Not sure if it helps you but I do think the longer you wait the more damage you are doing.

When I was 8 my 14 yr old cousin killed herself. My parents told me and we all went to the funeral. Be honest op