Anonymous
Post 12/18/2014 11:18     Subject: How much help do you get/expect from family?
Anonymous wrote:OP here. That's just it, I don't think there's any obligation. Spouse thinks that because relative got lots of family help (including from us), there should be.


So spouse thinks relative should "pay it forward"?

Spouse gets zero say in how relative spends his/her time and money. Zero. And spouse's "fury" is completely unjustified. S/he should check that fury and find a paying sitter.
Anonymous
Post 12/18/2014 11:16     Subject: How much help do you get/expect from family?
Anonymous wrote:Would love an outside perspective on this.

We have two small kids and only one other relative in the area. Said relative adores the kids and buys them things often. Relative (who's retired) often comments that we have our hands full (we both WOH f/t). Relative has watched the kids for us a handful of times in the past few years.

Spouse is furious that relative doesn't help more often. I find it disappointing, but don't feel we have a right to expect anything (though I admit to being a little baffled that the frequent allusions to how tough it must be are never followed by offers to babysit).

Thoughts?


Spouse is out of line. Relative does not owe you anything. You are wrong to expect anything from that relative. Any help is a gift.
Anonymous
Post 12/18/2014 10:43     Subject: How much help do you get/expect from family?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here. That's just it, I don't think there's any obligation. Spouse thinks that because relative got lots of family help (including from us), there should be.


Wow why do people make things so difficult for themselves?? If your relative keeps saying "Wow, you really have your hands full!" and has babysat a bit before, and this is bothering your husband THAT much and you're also "disappointed", stop grumbling and just ask the relative if they're willing to watch your kids more often! Sounds very possible with all the comments you say they make that they're willing but want you to ask for it. Maybe they don't feel comfy offering, you never know what it is, but geez be grown ups and have a conversation about it!!

Not a conversation that assumes an obligation, because let's be real clear, there isn't one. But a conversation because your relative brings it up and you guys want it so badly. Just talk about it. WHy is that so hard these days for so many?


I strongly disagree. Offering is not uncomfortable. If she wanted to do it, you would know. Asking her point olank like that puts her in a really bad position. She will feel like an asshole saying no, which sucks when she has sent you all of the signals saying no already.


The point is that the relative keeps talking about how overwhelmed they must be, it's bothering both of them (DH more than her she says), and it's the way to resolve it. Either the relative will jump at the chance, or say no, and at least it's done and over and they know for sure. The bottom line is, not saying anything clearly isn't working for either of them, so say something and get it over with, and move on. Ask for what you want, see how it goes, and if it doesn't work, ok, move on.


Not pp, but the iteration how OP & spouse are probably overwhelmed, may be just a simple attempt at empathizing. Not more (like wanting to babysit), not less (like downplaying the real challenges), but just connecting in an "I hear you" sort of way.


Yes. Relative is just being sympathetic. Doesn't mean she wants to sign up for childcare.
Anonymous
Post 12/18/2014 10:42     Subject: How much help do you get/expect from family?
Your having children does not create an obligation for relatives (or anyone else) to care for them. Your DH needs to get over himself.
Anonymous
Post 12/18/2014 10:15     Subject: How much help do you get/expect from family?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here. That's just it, I don't think there's any obligation. Spouse thinks that because relative got lots of family help (including from us), there should be.


Wow why do people make things so difficult for themselves?? If your relative keeps saying "Wow, you really have your hands full!" and has babysat a bit before, and this is bothering your husband THAT much and you're also "disappointed", stop grumbling and just ask the relative if they're willing to watch your kids more often! Sounds very possible with all the comments you say they make that they're willing but want you to ask for it. Maybe they don't feel comfy offering, you never know what it is, but geez be grown ups and have a conversation about it!!

Not a conversation that assumes an obligation, because let's be real clear, there isn't one. But a conversation because your relative brings it up and you guys want it so badly. Just talk about it. WHy is that so hard these days for so many?


I strongly disagree. Offering is not uncomfortable. If she wanted to do it, you would know. Asking her point olank like that puts her in a really bad position. She will feel like an asshole saying no, which sucks when she has sent you all of the signals saying no already.


The point is that the relative keeps talking about how overwhelmed they must be, it's bothering both of them (DH more than her she says), and it's the way to resolve it. Either the relative will jump at the chance, or say no, and at least it's done and over and they know for sure. The bottom line is, not saying anything clearly isn't working for either of them, so say something and get it over with, and move on. Ask for what you want, see how it goes, and if it doesn't work, ok, move on.


Not pp, but the iteration how OP & spouse are probably overwhelmed, may be just a simple attempt at empathizing. Not more (like wanting to babysit), not less (like downplaying the real challenges), but just connecting in an "I hear you" sort of way.
Anonymous
Post 12/17/2014 23:39     Subject: How much help do you get/expect from family?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here. That's just it, I don't think there's any obligation. Spouse thinks that because relative got lots of family help (including from us), there should be.


Wow why do people make things so difficult for themselves?? If your relative keeps saying "Wow, you really have your hands full!" and has babysat a bit before, and this is bothering your husband THAT much and you're also "disappointed", stop grumbling and just ask the relative if they're willing to watch your kids more often! Sounds very possible with all the comments you say they make that they're willing but want you to ask for it. Maybe they don't feel comfy offering, you never know what it is, but geez be grown ups and have a conversation about it!!

Not a conversation that assumes an obligation, because let's be real clear, there isn't one. But a conversation because your relative brings it up and you guys want it so badly. Just talk about it. WHy is that so hard these days for so many?


I strongly disagree. Offering is not uncomfortable. If she wanted to do it, you would know. Asking her point olank like that puts her in a really bad position. She will feel like an asshole saying no, which sucks when she has sent you all of the signals saying no already.


The point is that the relative keeps talking about how overwhelmed they must be, it's bothering both of them (DH more than her she says), and it's the way to resolve it. Either the relative will jump at the chance, or say no, and at least it's done and over and they know for sure. The bottom line is, not saying anything clearly isn't working for either of them, so say something and get it over with, and move on. Ask for what you want, see how it goes, and if it doesn't work, ok, move on.
Anonymous
Post 12/17/2014 23:17     Subject: How much help do you get/expect from family?
I was sort of surprised that my ILs never offered to sit for the kids on an occasion like my husbands birthday or our anniversary, but oh well. I don't think they did for their other grandkids either. I didn't feel comfortable asking them either. And when the kids got older, and we discovered that one of them had autism, no one wanted to sit for us (that we could afford, that is!)
Anonymous
Post 12/17/2014 22:37     Subject: How much help do you get/expect from family?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here. That's just it, I don't think there's any obligation. Spouse thinks that because relative got lots of family help (including from us), there should be.


Wow why do people make things so difficult for themselves?? If your relative keeps saying "Wow, you really have your hands full!" and has babysat a bit before, and this is bothering your husband THAT much and you're also "disappointed", stop grumbling and just ask the relative if they're willing to watch your kids more often! Sounds very possible with all the comments you say they make that they're willing but want you to ask for it. Maybe they don't feel comfy offering, you never know what it is, but geez be grown ups and have a conversation about it!!

Not a conversation that assumes an obligation, because let's be real clear, there isn't one. But a conversation because your relative brings it up and you guys want it so badly. Just talk about it. WHy is that so hard these days for so many?


I strongly disagree. Offering is not uncomfortable. If she wanted to do it, you would know. Asking her point olank like that puts her in a really bad position. She will feel like an asshole saying no, which sucks when she has sent you all of the signals saying no already.
Anonymous
Post 12/17/2014 22:31     Subject: How much help do you get/expect from family?
Anonymous wrote:OP here. That's just it, I don't think there's any obligation. Spouse thinks that because relative got lots of family help (including from us), there should be.


Wow why do people make things so difficult for themselves?? If your relative keeps saying "Wow, you really have your hands full!" and has babysat a bit before, and this is bothering your husband THAT much and you're also "disappointed", stop grumbling and just ask the relative if they're willing to watch your kids more often! Sounds very possible with all the comments you say they make that they're willing but want you to ask for it. Maybe they don't feel comfy offering, you never know what it is, but geez be grown ups and have a conversation about it!!

Not a conversation that assumes an obligation, because let's be real clear, there isn't one. But a conversation because your relative brings it up and you guys want it so badly. Just talk about it. WHy is that so hard these days for so many?
Anonymous
Post 12/17/2014 17:28     Subject: How much help do you get/expect from family?
Maybe the relative is waiting to be asked?

I also have more success with "visit babysitting"-- the relative comes over and plays with the kids while I shower, cook, make phone calls, etc. That's less pressure on the relative, but they still get quality time and I get a bit of a break.
Anonymous
Post 12/17/2014 17:22     Subject: How much help do you get/expect from family?
Nothing. MIL is 5 minutes away, but frankly, my SILs WORE HER OUT with their children. So, if we are in a pickle, we have no one. Maybe close friends, instead. Our friends are more like family to us, really.

Anonymous
Post 12/17/2014 16:50     Subject: How much help do you get/expect from family?
My family is out of state. My DH's mother lives an hour away. We will soon start trying and I am under no assumption that my MIL will help us raise our child. We will hire a babysitter. I think being angry at someone who did not participate in the conception for not participating in caring for the child is just bizarre.
Anonymous
Post 12/17/2014 16:41     Subject: How much help do you get/expect from family?
What do you mean when you say relative ?
I'm having trouble picturing if this is an aging aunt with rheumatism in a tiny apartment on fixed income SSI or a second cousin who used to be a truck driver and is divorced , loves to go to tractor pulls or a loving step grandma who still goes to jazzercise and Tuesday and Thursdays and has started a bridge club at her 55+ condo.
Makes a difference just who we 're talking about OP!
Anonymous
Post 12/17/2014 16:31     Subject: How much help do you get/expect from family?
Do you ever ask for help? Not in a demanding way, but just a simple ask. Like, "Hey Aunt Sally, we've got a concert we're going to on Saturday night. Before I ask the babysitter, I wanted to see if you have any interest in watching the girls?" I get that some people would take great offense at that, some of whom are on this board, but in my family, that's no big deal at all. You know your relative and we don't, so we can't tell you how s/he'd react, but sometimes all you gotta do is ask.
Anonymous
Post 12/17/2014 16:22     Subject: How much help do you get/expect from family?
Anonymous wrote:OP here. That's just it, I don't think there's any obligation. Spouse thinks that because relative got lots of family help (including from us), there should be.


Ah, I see that dynamic a lot but fortunately, or unfortunately, when you're in a position to help some one, it's not guaranteed that they'll be in a position to help you back in your time of need. So if you're only doing it in hopes of getting (positive) pay back one day, then that's probably not a great reason to do it. Help those you can, when you can. Whether they reciprocate shouldn't really determine things.