Anonymous
12/16/2014 12:08
Subject: toxic first child
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here-Thanks everyone for the advice. For those who asked, my mother is being treated but not aggressively, to preserve her quality of life-if the first treatments don't make an impact, she'll go into hospice care. I don't believe I have fertility issues as I got pregnant a while ago and had an abortion, and in retrospect that title was really dumb. Obviously I will need to discuss this further with my family but like you guys advised I'll start by talking with my husband. Thanks so much.
It may be dumb, but it was also your initial impulse as to how to describe the situation. It sounds like, as much as you want this for your mom, it's not a good idea for you.
+1
Anonymous
12/16/2014 09:11
Subject: toxic first child
OP, as someone who had an abortion with my now-husband when we were first dating, and later felt pressure from my dying mom to have kids once we were married but before we were ready, I would urge you to wait as we did. Watching my older siblings deal with the stress of pregnancy, infants and toddlers while also helping take care of my mom during her long, awful illness and managing that grief - I'm glad we made the decisions we made. So sorry about your mom.
Anonymous
12/16/2014 09:03
Subject: Re:toxic first child
Anonymous wrote:I had a couple of sudden deaths close together, during and not long after my first pregnancy.
My dad died of a heart attack when my first child was 17 months old. He never met my second child. I regret it a lot. He would have adored my youngest. I am so sorry that he never even got to see him. I'm glad that he did get to meet my oldest.
My maternal grandmother died very suddenly, from a fall, when I was pregnant with the oldest. It was tremendously stressful and I was very sad. I hope it didn't add bad outcomes for my child, but I have to face the fact that it may have done. DC has a mild ASD. Stress in pregnancy may contribute to that.
Stress in pregnancy doesn't contribute to ASD, PP. So don't beat yourself up (it's looking like it's tied to genetics and environmental triggers like some chemicals).
Anonymous
12/16/2014 08:52
Subject: toxic first child
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here-Thanks everyone for the advice. For those who asked, my mother is being treated but not aggressively, to preserve her quality of life-if the first treatments don't make an impact, she'll go into hospice care. I don't believe I have fertility issues as I got pregnant a while ago and had an abortion, and in retrospect that title was really dumb
Seems gross to put the word "abortion" and a smilie face in the same sentence.
Not really. Many, many, many women are grateful and relieved for their abortions. It's not always tragedy to terminate a pregnancy. It probably isn't tragic or sad most of the time.
FYI most pro-choice people would NOT agree with this. Of course it is sad, even if it's the right thing to do under the circumstances.
Anonymous
12/16/2014 08:47
Subject: toxic first child
Op, get a grip. No.
Anonymous
12/16/2014 08:22
Subject: toxic first child
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here-Thanks everyone for the advice. For those who asked, my mother is being treated but not aggressively, to preserve her quality of life-if the first treatments don't make an impact, she'll go into hospice care. I don't believe I have fertility issues as I got pregnant a while ago and had an abortion, and in retrospect that title was really dumb
Seems gross to put the word "abortion" and a smilie face in the same sentence.
Not really. Many, many, many women are grateful and relieved for their abortions. It's not always tragedy to terminate a pregnancy. It probably isn't tragic or sad most of the time.
wow
Anonymous
12/16/2014 08:11
Subject: toxic first child
While I think it would be wonderful for your mom to meet her potential grandchild, also think about the responsibilities a child brings. If you'd want to spend a significant amount of time with your mom during her last months/year alive, doing that with a child will be very difficult.
Also, don't underestimate the grief you'll have from losing your mom and how that might affect your ability to take care of an infant.
As hard as it is, for now if it was me, I'd wait. I'm sorry OP. There's no "right" answer here.
Also, don't underestimate the grief you'll have from losing your mom and how that might affect your ability to take care of an infant.
As hard as it is, for now if it was me, I'd wait. I'm sorry OP. There's no "right" answer here.
Anonymous
12/16/2014 08:09
Subject: toxic first child
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here-Thanks everyone for the advice. For those who asked, my mother is being treated but not aggressively, to preserve her quality of life-if the first treatments don't make an impact, she'll go into hospice care. I don't believe I have fertility issues as I got pregnant a while ago and had an abortion, and in retrospect that title was really dumb
Seems gross to put the word "abortion" and a smilie face in the same sentence.
Not really. Many, many, many women are grateful and relieved for their abortions. It's not always tragedy to terminate a pregnancy. It probably isn't tragic or sad most of the time.
Anonymous
12/16/2014 08:07
Subject: toxic first child
Wow, OP you aborted one and now you want one to make your mom happy? You sound scattered and like you take it all for granted.
Anonymous
12/16/2014 08:03
Subject: toxic first child
Anonymous wrote:OP here-Thanks everyone for the advice. For those who asked, my mother is being treated but not aggressively, to preserve her quality of life-if the first treatments don't make an impact, she'll go into hospice care. I don't believe I have fertility issues as I got pregnant a while ago and had an abortion, and in retrospect that title was really dumb
Seems gross to put the word "abortion" and a smilie face in the same sentence.
Anonymous
12/16/2014 08:01
Subject: toxic first child
Unless it would be a tremendous strain on your marriage and finances, have a baby now. My father died when my oldest was 2 months old. I am forever grateful that he got to hold his first grandchild and that I have a few photographs to share with my son. He never got the chance to meet his second grandchild and that makes me very sad.
Anonymous
12/15/2014 23:10
Subject: toxic first child
Anonymous wrote:No--it is not your job to irrevocably alter your plans to fulfill your mom's wish. It just isn't. Become a mom when you are ready, not when someone else wants you to, even if they are dying.
Pregnancy and childbirth take up a huge amount of energy. I would argue to spend this time with your mom, use any extra energy and money you have to help caregive during her illness, maybe have a family getaway.
Give your mom the gift of time with you, her own child.
+1,000
Anonymous
12/15/2014 21:50
Subject: toxic first child
Doesn't sound like you can afford it & your husband says no. Nothing to consider IMO.
Anonymous
12/15/2014 20:28
Subject: toxic first child
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here-Thanks everyone for the advice. For those who asked, my mother is being treated but not aggressively, to preserve her quality of life-if the first treatments don't make an impact, she'll go into hospice care. I don't believe I have fertility issues as I got pregnant a while ago and had an abortion, and in retrospect that title was really dumb
It may be dumb, but it was also your initial impulse as to how to describe the situation. It sounds like, as much as you want this for your mom, it's not a good idea for you.
When or whether you have a baby should not be a discussion with your family. Your husband, and your doctor/midwife. But it's not a family decision.
Anonymous
12/15/2014 19:55
Subject: toxic first child
Anonymous wrote:OP here-Thanks everyone for the advice. For those who asked, my mother is being treated but not aggressively, to preserve her quality of life-if the first treatments don't make an impact, she'll go into hospice care. I don't believe I have fertility issues as I got pregnant a while ago and had an abortion, and in retrospect that title was really dumb
It may be dumb, but it was also your initial impulse as to how to describe the situation. It sounds like, as much as you want this for your mom, it's not a good idea for you.