OP, families are different. My family is not rude (at least I don't think so) but we are not huge on notes and email and such, or calls. We are more in-person sorts of people.

Ask your DH to tell your in laws your expectations. When I've heard from my in laws what they expect I am happy to comply - I sent more frequent emails and call. It works for us.

Give them a chance to be what you'd like them to be.

I'm sorry you are hurting and sorry about your father's recent passing.

OP here - thank you so much for all of your helpful comments, and words of comfort.

A few months ago I posted on a thread about how my ILs never once acknowledged my mother's death at the time...about 5 weeks later my MIL sent me an email. FIL has never to this day acknowledged her death. People on DCUM trashed me for saying I was pissed and that it changed the way I thought of them, but you know what, it did. I deserved more from my 'family' - so did my mom and my dad.

OP, I'm so sorry about your dad. One of the things you will sadly learn is that some people don't know how to behave when someone dies and they freak out. It's very upsetting when people you know and love ignore a horrible event like this. I'm sorry it's happening to you.