Anonymous
Post 12/15/2014 08:05     Subject: Boyfriend was in love with ex when we met
It's no reflection in oy it your relationship that he was still in love with you when in met. E was with get for a lung time during formative years and it can be hard to move in frim that -- it takes time, and that's when you happened to meet.
He wasn't ready for a new relationship yet, and he had to work that out so he could truly move on, which he has.

It doesn't matter how started your relationship, unless you still have reason to doubt his feelings for you, and it doesn't sound like that's the case. If you hope to remain this relationship you must let this go, or you must do homage or and end it. As PP said, his resetent is poison and you can't change tge past.
Anonymous
Post 12/15/2014 07:34     Subject: Re:Boyfriend was in love with ex when we met
Anonymous wrote:I know several couples that we're not "insta-love" that are happily married today. I was still dating other guys, but not seriously, up until I had an understanding of exclusivity with the guy that is now my DH. I'll say to him now when we reminisce , I knew right away you could be "the one" and he will smirk and say but you were dating these other guys before we had an understanding. Another person I know, the guy was dating another girl seriously and it overlapped with him starting to date my friend. My friend said he had to choose, and he chose my friend and as far as I know there haven't been any issues with exes or overlapping relationships since then. Another person met her husband while she with her boyfriend of a few years. When she asked for a break with boyfriend because he wasn't willing to commit, the other guy swooped in. The ex came back shortly after and she even went back to the ex for a brief period. She then went back to her now husband knowing that he made her way happier than the boyfriend of several years ever did and has not looked back.

I think the difference is in all these cases the other person knows that they were chosen. The tough thing was that you reached out to this guy when he disappeared after 4 dates two times, which means you don't know if he would have manned up and groveled to get back with you realizing he wanted to be in a relationship with you versus you being there making it easy for him to not to be alone. You also feel that you are in deeper than he is and given his track record of him being hung up on the ex, that puts you in an even more vulnerable spot.

At this point, what do you want? You aren't going to get a do-over beginning. Do you want to break up and date other people to be "sure" and risk possibly breaking up forever? Would you feel more certain of the relationship if you went to some sort of premarital counseling so you feel like you really are a good match, not just about being in luv, you learn to communicate even about the tough topics, and can make sure he is willing to make compromises for you and it isn't a one way street despite how the relationship started?


Yes this! You hit the nail on the head.it isn't so much that there was someone else before me, it's just that because he dumped me twice to try to get things started with her again makes me now feel like, oh wow, did he ever really want me that much? If I hadn't made it super easy for him to keep starting things back up with me, would he ever have worked hard to get me back? In retrospect, it's evident he worked really hard to get back with her versus me, and when she finally closed the door on him, he sauntered over to me licking his wounds.

I know he loves me now truly. And from what I hear, he never treated her as well as he does me and he never talked of marrying her so I know what we have is far superior to what they did. It just hurts to know that when given a choice, he picked someone else over me at one point. (I don't believe he'd trade me for anything in the world now though)
Anonymous
Post 12/15/2014 07:16     Subject: Re:Boyfriend was in love with ex when we met
Anonymous wrote:You are immature. Dump him so he can find someone who will appreciate reality instead of resenting that it doesn't match their "lovestruck" dreams. Oh, and grow up.


+1 Life is not a rom-com idyllic fantasy.
Anonymous
Post 12/15/2014 07:14     Subject: Re:Boyfriend was in love with ex when we met
Either leave him or work out your resentment in therapy. Resentment is like cancer for a relationship, it doesn't magically disappear and you will always point to it as the reason things aren't better. Seriously OP, let it go or get out now.
Anonymous
Post 12/15/2014 06:31     Subject: Re:Boyfriend was in love with ex when we met
I know several couples that we're not "insta-love" that are happily married today. I was still dating other guys, but not seriously, up until I had an understanding of exclusivity with the guy that is now my DH. I'll say to him now when we reminisce , I knew right away you could be "the one" and he will smirk and say but you were dating these other guys before we had an understanding. Another person I know, the guy was dating another girl seriously and it overlapped with him starting to date my friend. My friend said he had to choose, and he chose my friend and as far as I know there haven't been any issues with exes or overlapping relationships since then. Another person met her husband while she with her boyfriend of a few years. When she asked for a break with boyfriend because he wasn't willing to commit, the other guy swooped in. The ex came back shortly after and she even went back to the ex for a brief period. She then went back to her now husband knowing that he made her way happier than the boyfriend of several years ever did and has not looked back.

I think the difference is in all these cases the other person knows that they were chosen. The tough thing was that you reached out to this guy when he disappeared after 4 dates two times, which means you don't know if he would have manned up and groveled to get back with you realizing he wanted to be in a relationship with you versus you being there making it easy for him to not to be alone. You also feel that you are in deeper than he is and given his track record of him being hung up on the ex, that puts you in an even more vulnerable spot.

At this point, what do you want? You aren't going to get a do-over beginning. Do you want to break up and date other people to be "sure" and risk possibly breaking up forever? Would you feel more certain of the relationship if you went to some sort of premarital counseling so you feel like you really are a good match, not just about being in luv, you learn to communicate even about the tough topics, and can make sure he is willing to make compromises for you and it isn't a one way street despite how the relationship started?
Anonymous
Post 12/15/2014 04:27     Subject: Boyfriend was in love with ex when we met
Anonymous wrote:Maybe he needed some closure in his last relationship before he could move forward with a new one. I don't think that means he didn't care about you, it just means that his heart wasn't in a place to fall in love again. He was still hurting and needed a little time to grieve the loss of someone he loved. That's actually very romantic if you think about it and says a lot about his ability to give his heart to someone.

Obviously, he was indeed able to move on and he is now with you. He loves you and is talking about marriage - not with her. With YOU!


This!!
Anonymous
Post 12/14/2014 23:53     Subject: Boyfriend was in love with ex when we met
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you may have some doubts about your boyfriend's ability to be honest with you. Especially when the truth may not be what you want to hear.

He says he's really embarrassed about that period and doesn't really talk about it other than say he made a mistake.

I'm sure others will disagree, but this make him sound more genuine to me. When people, especially guys, have behaved in ways they find embarassing or mean they often don't like to rehash it. In part because they know they wouldn't behave that way again and wish it had gone differently.
Sounds like he feels as bad about your beginning as you do. Maybe you could cut him a break?
Anonymous
Post 12/14/2014 23:50     Subject: Boyfriend was in love with ex when we met
Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you may have some doubts about your boyfriend's ability to be honest with you. Especially when the truth may not be what you want to hear.

He says he's really embarrassed about that period and doesn't really talk about it other than say he made a mistake.
Anonymous
Post 12/14/2014 23:43     Subject: Boyfriend was in love with ex when we met
Anonymous wrote:My DH went on one date (well, it wasn't a date but a hook-up at some concert)


What is a "hook up at some concert?" Is that like fucking in the bathroom or something? Fucking gross.
Anonymous
Post 12/14/2014 23:39     Subject: Boyfriend was in love with ex when we met
It sounds like you may have some doubts about your boyfriend's ability to be honest with you. Especially when the truth may not be what you want to hear.
Anonymous
Post 12/14/2014 23:29     Subject: Re:Boyfriend was in love with ex when we met
Well, yes, he did. The first two times we started dating, he had just broken up with his ex and had asked me out. We went on a couple of casual dates and then he'd drop off he face of the earth for weeks and when I'd finally reach out to him expressing disappointment, he'd confess that he had feelings for his ex and so he wanted to step away from me. I later found out through mutual friends that at the time, after he stopped seeing me, he tried to get back with her, and I think they even tried getting back together for a few months.
Anonymous
Post 12/14/2014 23:18     Subject: Boyfriend was in love with ex when we met
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm sure the percentage is high for people in relationships where at least ONE of the couple was in love with someone else before they met their current partner. If you truly love him, get over the fact that there was someone before you. You sound young


There wasn't just someone before her, there was someone during her. Twice. Early stages or not, that's a lot to swallow.


He wasn't dating the EX while with OP though---he just had feeling for her still. Big difference, IMO anyway

The OP said he dumped her twice to get back together with the Ex.
Anonymous
Post 12/14/2014 23:14     Subject: Boyfriend was in love with ex when we met
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm sure the percentage is high for people in relationships where at least ONE of the couple was in love with someone else before they met their current partner. If you truly love him, get over the fact that there was someone before you. You sound young


There wasn't just someone before her, there was someone during her. Twice. Early stages or not, that's a lot to swallow.


He wasn't dating the EX while with OP though---he just had feeling for her still. Big difference, IMO anyway
Anonymous
Post 12/14/2014 22:05     Subject: Re:Boyfriend was in love with ex when we met
You are immature. Dump him so he can find someone who will appreciate reality instead of resenting that it doesn't match their "lovestruck" dreams. Oh, and grow up.
Anonymous
Post 12/14/2014 22:04     Subject: Boyfriend was in love with ex when we met
It would bother me. I know my ex was still in love with me when I met his current GF and I believe strongly that he will never be over me. I think if I contacted him, he would probably drop her, in the very least be very conflicted. I think it will be that way for life.

Dump him, OP. You deserve someone who is all in with you.