Anonymous
Post 12/15/2014 13:22     Subject: Husband assumes negative intent
Wow - I feel like this is my DH - thanks for sharing. It's interesting that many DHs who find negativity in a lot have some history of depression.

I was doing laundry the other day and unrolling the sleeves of DHs shirts and said, "hey hon, when you put your shirts in the wash would you mind unrolling the sleeves? " (knowing him, I tried to phrase it as simply, nicely and non-nagging as possible and this is not something I've asked before, pre-thinking how I phrase things is a huge must). It was a huge blow-up. We were having a fine day prior to that with no issues so it wasn't like we were already on eggshells and then that.
Am I asking all wrong? Interested in thoughts! Often I just do stuff myself because it's not worth figuring out how to get some help without offending him.
Anonymous
Post 12/15/2014 13:10     Subject: Husband assumes negative intent
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My husband has a habit of assuming negative intent in pretty much whatever anyone says. I am at a loss in trying to communicate with him. Here is today's example: he has an old friend coming into town for a brief visit. Husband spent all of Saturday laying in bed not feeling well, so I spent the day taking care of our 4 kids (ages 8 and under) despite not feeling awesome myself and having gotten not much sleep. So when husband sent me a text from store proposing we take the entire family out for pizza with his friend, it occurred to me he might be suggesting this so he wasn't ditching me with the kids again tonight.

I responded with this: "would you prefer to try to do adults only?" He gets mad at me. He assumes this is intended to mean that I don't want to go, take the kids, see his friend, whatever; that I'm somehow opposed to his plan and telling him it's a bad idea. I attempt to tell him that if I had a good friend I hadn't seen in years, I'd probably prefer to catch up with the friend one on one instead of over pizza with a 2, 4, 6 and 8 year old. His go-to response in pretty muh every one of these exchanges: "it didn't come across that way".

Well how the hell should I have said this so as not to offend? I am EXHAUSTED by his propensity to assume ill intent in everything I say. Seriously, I could say "thanks for making coffee" and he'd find a way to be offended by it.

Please help me figure out how to communicate with this person.


I can relate. My father is like that. He assumes negative intent, goes off on a tirade if someone tries to do him a kindness (went off at my Mum last night because she asked him what he would prefer for dinner), is always talking about other people in derogatory terms, assumes a hidden intent in pretty much everything my Mum and I say. If it were up to me, he'd have been out of the house decades ago. It IS an exhausting way to live, and to me it's a deal breaked in a relationship. I watch out for such patterns very carefully when I get to know a male, even long before dating is a possibility. That's not what I want in a partner. Who would.

Not very helpful, probably, but you have my sympathy. I'd get out if I were you.


x2!
Anonymous
Post 12/15/2014 12:59     Subject: Husband assumes negative intent
Anonymous wrote:Okay, so take this with a grain of salt (this is DCUM after all). But this is exactly what my DH started doing when he was having an affair. I would give him a compliment about something and he would come back at me like I had made a horrible comment about him. Other people have also mentioned that this was the case when their partner was having an affair.

If it is nothing new and he's always been that way, it's probably not an affair. My guess would be low self-esteem or a lot of insecurities. Are you often sarcastic and do you belittle him? If so, that is an easy thing for you to work on. If not, my sympathies go out to you. He doesn't sound like an easy guy to live with.


Bingo! Same here.
Anonymous
Post 12/15/2014 12:01     Subject: Husband assumes negative intent
Just be direct with him. For the example you gave, I can easily see how he could misunderstand it. He was probably trying to make your life easier. Instead of texting back something like 'that would be great but if you just want to do dinner with him I would totally understand too" you texted back something that could mean you didn't want to do it. He probably didn't understand why you were being so shady instead of just answering his question.
Anonymous
Post 12/15/2014 11:20     Subject: Husband assumes negative intent
I think part of the problem is that you don't respond to what he says. He sends you a plan and you should either say yay/nay to it and be done. Instead, you ask him whether he prefers Alternative XYZ. I get that you are trying to be nice. But OP, I get this in my family of origin a lot and it's maddening. It's as if what I say has no meaning -- let's offer her twelve other alternatives. With my mom, it always goes something like this:

Me: I'm going to make myself a ham sandwich, okay?
Mom: Okay honey. Or, I could heat up some lasagne for you. Or make you pancakes. Or would you prefer if I order a pizza for us?
Me: No mom, I really would just like a ham sandwich.
Mom: I could also defrost you a steak.
Me: Ending up screaming....no.
Anonymous
Post 12/15/2014 11:04     Subject: Husband assumes negative intent
Anonymous wrote:My husband has a habit of assuming negative intent in pretty much whatever anyone says. I am at a loss in trying to communicate with him. Here is today's example: he has an old friend coming into town for a brief visit. Husband spent all of Saturday laying in bed not feeling well, so I spent the day taking care of our 4 kids (ages 8 and under) despite not feeling awesome myself and having gotten not much sleep. So when husband sent me a text from store proposing we take the entire family out for pizza with his friend, it occurred to me he might be suggesting this so he wasn't ditching me with the kids again tonight.

I responded with this: "would you prefer to try to do adults only?" He gets mad at me. He assumes this is intended to mean that I don't want to go, take the kids, see his friend, whatever; that I'm somehow opposed to his plan and telling him it's a bad idea. I attempt to tell him that if I had a good friend I hadn't seen in years, I'd probably prefer to catch up with the friend one on one instead of over pizza with a 2, 4, 6 and 8 year old. His go-to response in pretty muh every one of these exchanges: "it didn't come across that way".

Well how the hell should I have said this so as not to offend? I am EXHAUSTED by his propensity to assume ill intent in everything I say. Seriously, I could say "thanks for making coffee" and he'd find a way to be offended by it.

Please help me figure out how to communicate with this person.


I can relate. My father is like that. He assumes negative intent, goes off on a tirade if someone tries to do him a kindness (went off at my Mum last night because she asked him what he would prefer for dinner), is always talking about other people in derogatory terms, assumes a hidden intent in pretty much everything my Mum and I say. If it were up to me, he'd have been out of the house decades ago. It IS an exhausting way to live, and to me it's a deal breaked in a relationship. I watch out for such patterns very carefully when I get to know a male, even long before dating is a possibility. That's not what I want in a partner. Who would.

Not very helpful, probably, but you have my sympathy. I'd get out if I were you.
Anonymous
Post 12/15/2014 11:03     Subject: Husband assumes negative intent
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Pick up the phone.



It's 2014. People text. Move on.


It's not an improvement. And it does not appear to work well for them. She asked for advice on how to more effectively communicate with her husband. The advice given was pick up the phone. It was good advice.



She gave one example of a text gone wrong. They live in the same house- and presumably they don't communicate by text when they are home and still have these issues. The pick up the phone advice is just not helpful.
Anonymous
Post 12/15/2014 11:02     Subject: Husband assumes negative intent
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:

Please help me figure out how to communicate with this person.


For starters, stop texting or using impersonal forms of communication. Use your words. Dial the telephone. It's amazing.


For starters, join us here in the year 2014. Speaking to a person who wants to make you wrong all the time is not any better than texting them.
Anonymous
Post 12/15/2014 10:53     Subject: Re:Husband assumes negative intent
Anonymous wrote:My husband never send a text or emails me. We either talk face to face or on the phone. Probably why we never misunderstand each other, argue or why I never write negative things about him here.


yeah, whatever
Anonymous
Post 12/15/2014 10:51     Subject: Husband assumes negative intent
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Pick up the phone.



It's 2014. People text. Move on.


It's not an improvement. And it does not appear to work well for them. She asked for advice on how to more effectively communicate with her husband. The advice given was pick up the phone. It was good advice.

Anonymous
Post 12/15/2014 10:50     Subject: Husband assumes negative intent
Anonymous wrote:

Please help me figure out how to communicate with this person.


For starters, stop texting or using impersonal forms of communication. Use your words. Dial the telephone. It's amazing.
Anonymous
Post 12/15/2014 10:46     Subject: Husband assumes negative intent
Well to be fair to your DH, you didn't answer his question. He was asking whether that was something *you* would enjoy. You responded assuming that it wasn't something that *he* would enjoy. He took it as such and translated that into something that *you* wouldn't enjoy.

You both need to practice being more direct with each other. Try just listening to what he is literally asking and answer that question. Might help. While you are trying that I would definitely suggest to DH that you are having trouble communicating with him (and you feel bad about that) and could he come with you to counseling so that you two could practice?
Anonymous
Post 12/15/2014 10:11     Subject: Re:Husband assumes negative intent
You picked him, and not only that, you procreated with him.
Anonymous
Post 12/15/2014 09:36     Subject: Husband assumes negative intent
My mom and my son do this. With my Mom, I think it stems from depression and a defensiveness that has to do with a feeling of lack of control in her life.

My son is often the one talking in a way that other people find offensive, and he has no clue that he comes off that way. DS has a communication disorder and very weak social pragmatic communication skills.

You might try reading and discussing with your husband some of Deborah Tannen's books (That's not what I meant and/or you just don't understand) for some good examples of how two parties can be in communication and both think they are sending really clear messages, but each is "receiving" a different message.
Anonymous
Post 12/14/2014 16:44     Subject: Husband assumes negative intent
So when husband sent me a text from store proposing we take the entire family out for pizza with his friend, it occurred to me he might be suggesting this so he wasn't ditching me with the kids again tonight.


OP, do you often look for a subtext and respond to that, rather than directly answer his question? My MIL will do this and it drives me crazy.