I'm reading the Gottman marriage book (7 principles). Depressing start but I am hoping the "how to" repair the marriage will be helpful when I get to that chapter. He talks about friendship being at the center of a healthy marriage (not "good communication" or shared interests necessarily, as if often thought) and I believe he will talk about ways to get the friendship back for couples who lost it.

Oddly, I have regained some affection and friendship in my marriage through an extended absence of my DH for work. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and we have both been able to break a negative cycle from layers of mutual resentments. I am putting more effort into being affectionate and appreciative long distance and beginning to feel more hopeful. But also nervous about DH's return as it approaches. I think we get along better apart. And I think I feel less lonely when I'm alone (with DC).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DW here, add me to the list. Married 10 years, 2 kids under 6. I am terribly lonely, zero emotional connection and a basically sexless marriage (and what sex there is happens at my request and is rote). After many years of trying to talk to DH about this with zero results, I am miserable and my self esteem was in the toilet. I recently started an affair with a man in a similar marriage. The affair has helped me realize that my DH has checked out and that we are just co parents and roommates. I am in the process of initiating a separation. I just can't live like this any longer. An affair is just a bandaid covering a big wound, and is not the answer (even though it helps a huge amount in the self esteem department to be really wanted).

Good for you for finding your way out, no matter how you had to do it. Life is too precious to waste being sad and unfulfilled all the time.

Pp here. Thank you for your support. I have posted my story a couple of times recently here and have been happy to be on the receiving end of good wishes.

PAR FOR THE COURSE
I'm a man in the same boat having an affair to save my sanity. However, my story draws very negative reactions about how much a scum bag I am !!!!!

Anonymous wrote:I get that it sucks, but I also believe that in life as mature adults, we have options as well.

Life is what we make of it + if one is truly miserable in a marriage, then who says you have to suck it up and stay miserable for any amount of time?

We live in a free country and no one can dictate how you live your life.

Everyone is accountable for their own choices in life.

Sorry if this sounds harsh to you, but I have always had to live w/every choice I have made in my life, good and bad.

So should everyone else.

just remember that, along with this comes a huge hit to the self esteem. as in, my spouse is not connected to me, is not even trying, i must be unlovable. when your self esteem takes such a hit, it is hard to push yourself to make changes because you are totally depressed and think that this is as good as it gets. until something happens (likely, meet somebody) and you realize that, hey, my feelings to matter, and i am lovable and desirable. only then are you capable of making the hard choices to leave.

Anonymous wrote:To those emotionally lonelies ... do you think your situation is apparent to the outside world? How might one go about finding another married lonelyheart?

Pp DW here. My affair partner found me...we work in the same building (not for the same company). He met me through a colleague and just pursued me. He is extremely perceptive and I think picked up quickly on the fact that I was willing to talk to him and not keep defaulting to the "I am married" line.

Same here. We don't even sleep in the same bed anymore and dw is in the home only half of the weekends. Last weekend we said sth that hurt each other so we didn't talk much the past week.

Don't really know what to do. Tried to have an affair but she left. Miss her very much but know it's useless.

Anonymous wrote:I get that it sucks, but I also believe that in life as mature adults, we have options as well.

Life is what we make of it + if one is truly miserable in a marriage, then who says you have to suck it up and stay miserable for any amount of time?

We live in a free country and no one can dictate how you live your life.

Everyone is accountable for their own choices in life.

Sorry if this sounds harsh to you, but I have always had to live w/every choice I have made in my life, good and bad.

So should everyone else.

I don't think anyone here is blaming anyone else for their choices. But once you have kids it is not so simple as saying we can just pursue our own happiness. Our choices come with a heavy price tag attached. I would put my children's happiness ahead of my own. Plus, it isn't like separating is any guarantee of dispelling unhappiness or loneliness.

To those emotionally lonelies ... do you think your situation is apparent to the outside world? How might one go about finding another married lonelyheart?

Anonymous wrote:Q. Can anything be done to re-engage a spouse who has checked out?

Not unless they really committed to working things out. And not just by giving lip service, but through concrete actions. And it's hard work.
I think before they truly check out, the other spouse probably senses something is off and tries to get the marriage back on track. But once they are gone, they are gone. At least that was my experience.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Q. Can anything be done to re-engage a spouse who has checked out?

Pp DW here. My DH said that he is "going crazy" and recognizes that he is at fault for where we are at. He is trying to engage with me but it feels so hollow. Like, I told him I am deeply lonely and unhappy and contemplating separation, and all of a sudden he cares.

To me, the want to be in the game of a marriage has to come from within. If the spouse disengages first, I don't know what you can do about that. If the spouse disengages because if things you were actively doing or not doing, then maybe sparking fee gaveled is more under your control.

Sorry, damn autocorrect. Meant to say sparking re engagement.

Anonymous wrote:Q. Can anything be done to re-engage a spouse who has checked out?

Pp DW here. My DH said that he is "going crazy" and recognizes that he is at fault for where we are at. He is trying to engage with me but it feels so hollow. Like, I told him I am deeply lonely and unhappy and contemplating separation, and all of a sudden he cares.

To me, the want to be in the game of a marriage has to come from within. If the spouse disengages first, I don't know what you can do about that. If the spouse disengages because if things you were actively doing or not doing, then maybe sparking fee gaveled is more under your control.

Emotionally no - on that front I couldn't ask for more.

Physically though we're the Gobi Desert of sexual activity and it's incredibly distressing.

Q. Can anything be done to re-engage a spouse who has checked out?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DW here, add me to the list. Married 10 years, 2 kids under 6. I am terribly lonely, zero emotional connection and a basically sexless marriage (and what sex there is happens at my request and is rote). After many years of trying to talk to DH about this with zero results, I am miserable and my self esteem was in the toilet. I recently started an affair with a man in a similar marriage. The affair has helped me realize that my DH has checked out and that we are just co parents and roommates. I am in the process of initiating a separation. I just can't live like this any longer. An affair is just a bandaid covering a big wound, and is not the answer (even though it helps a huge amount in the self esteem department to be really wanted).

Good for you for finding your way out, no matter how you had to do it. Life is too precious to waste being sad and unfulfilled all the time.

Pp here. Thank you for your support. I have posted my story a couple of times recently here and have been happy to be on the receiving end of good wishes.

Anonymous wrote:DW here, add me to the list. Married 10 years, 2 kids under 6. I am terribly lonely, zero emotional connection and a basically sexless marriage (and what sex there is happens at my request and is rote). After many years of trying to talk to DH about this with zero results, I am miserable and my self esteem was in the toilet. I recently started an affair with a man in a similar marriage. The affair has helped me realize that my DH has checked out and that we are just co parents and roommates. I am in the process of initiating a separation. I just can't live like this any longer. An affair is just a bandaid covering a big wound, and is not the answer (even though it helps a huge amount in the self esteem department to be really wanted).

Good for you for finding your way out, no matter how you had to do it. Life is too precious to waste being sad and unfulfilled all the time.

DW here, add me to the list. Married 10 years, 2 kids under 6. I am terribly lonely, zero emotional connection and a basically sexless marriage (and what sex there is happens at my request and is rote). After many years of trying to talk to DH about this with zero results, I am miserable and my self esteem was in the toilet. I recently started an affair with a man in a similar marriage. The affair has helped me realize that my DH has checked out and that we are just co parents and roommates. I am in the process of initiating a separation. I just can't live like this any longer. An affair is just a bandaid covering a big wound, and is not the answer (even though it helps a huge amount in the self esteem department to be really wanted).