He was sexist, you were a bit huffy. Do not apologize. Neither offense is that big a deal. Move on. PPs are blowing this up to waaaaay too big a deal.

You say this is sexism but he was offering his cleaning services - his help - to you. Sorry but you were rude.

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, but I think this was not about sexism. This was about economics. Very few people would assume you two had hired a staff for the party and were at leisure. Your FIL's offer was well meaning and you bit his head off for it. Feminism is not a sword and a shield against explaining oneself and being a human being?

FIL: Is there anything I can do to help you?
You: That's a very kind offer but I really don't have any responsibilities for the party since Fred hired a staff. Why don't you and I sneak out for pancakes?

Not sure I understand the last sentence, but otherwise, this is good advice.

Going forward, just try to be nicer. Your response was rude. An apology is always a good start.

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps if you apologized for your role in the incident (not being clear/getting snippy), you wouldn't feel so crappy.

+1!

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, it was crappy and you should feel really bad. Please apologize to him.

You could have said, "Thanks, Dad! That is very sweet and I will ask if I need help, but it is all covered. You should relax and enjoy as there are staff hired to do just that. I don't think I will be needed for anything except give them instructions in the end."

And if he would have persisted, " No, I meant how could I help YOU?"

I would have said, "If you get up earlier than me tomorrow, how about making me a nice cup of tea when I come down for breakfast? It is usually the next day that I am tired."

+1!

Since you are supporting your DH in this, he probably felt you should also have someone in your corner to help and be there for you.

Sorry, but I think this was not about sexism. This was about economics. Very few people would assume you two had hired a staff for the party and were at leisure. Your FIL's offer was well meaning and you bit his head off for it. Feminism is not a sword and a shield against explaining oneself and being a human being?

FIL: Is there anything I can do to help you?
You: That's a very kind offer but I really don't have any responsibilities for the party since Fred hired a staff. Why don't you and I sneak out for pancakes?

Perhaps if you apologized for your role in the incident (not being clear/getting snippy), you wouldn't feel so crappy.

Anonymous wrote:Hmm. I see how you would be annoyed that he assumed you had primary responsibility for cleaning for the party, and that's definitely sexist and outdated. That being said, if DH were having a party for work at our house, I would help with it, and if I were having a party for work at our house, DH would help with it.

OP here. Thanks for all the comments. Yes, as I admitted, there would have been better ways to phrase this at the beginning, so the "you should have" are right but unhelpful... I think where I Was feeling put upon is that I felt like I had pointed out several times that I wasn't in charge and my FIL didn't seem to accept that. And I agree, I would HELP, but I do not think I'm in charge...

Hmm. I see how you would be annoyed that he assumed you had primary responsibility for cleaning for the party, and that's definitely sexist and outdated. That being said, if DH were having a party for work at our house, I would help with it, and if I were having a party for work at our house, DH would help with it.

Anonymous wrote:Does responding in a nicer manner but not taking him up on the offer make it any better?

Yes. Having manners, rising above, taking the high road is always better.

Awww, OP, it's just a generational issue. In his day, wives prepped for company, even if the company was from the husband's office. If you'd have looked at where he was coming from it'd have been easier to bring him along to where things are now, with you.

I tink it would be nice of you to say to him "I just wanted to apologize about earlier. I'm guessing when you were my age, if you were hosting a company event, your wife would have done all the prep work, right? I didn't realize that in the moment, and that's why I couldn't figure out why you kept asking me what *I* needed to do. Your offer was generous and kind, thank you." Be a mensch!

Does responding in a nicer manner but not taking him up on the offer make it any better?

You may feel like you didn't sound huffy, but your response sounds a little snide. You could have given a complete (and polite) response the first time he asked by saying, "Why don't you ask DH. I'm not handling the cleaning for the event, so he'll know what needs to be done." Instead you kind of played dumb and forced him to force the issue, and then gave a less than pleasant response. I would apologize to your FIL for that.