Could you live with yourself if something happened to your child? If your child wasn't able to stop him? Or if he decided not to listen to her if she told him to stop?

Daytime visits, or if you visit overnight, you never let your daughter out of your sight. Never. No matter how much this relative plays the playful, friendly, loving uncle/grandfather/whatever relation. And do not make your daughter hug anyone.

Anonymous wrote:Op : if I had only mentioned the incident of years ago, not the dd reticence would the
Sentiment on this board remain the same? Even if it was years ago and u socialize now keep
Your distance because you've grown a spine? Or is dd the tipping point to creating the distance?

Who cares about the answer to this? The fact is, you have both your own experiences AND your daughter's reticence. That is the reality. They very reasonably add up to a potentially awful situation and you are more than within your right to trust your gut and keep your daughter away.

You sound like you want someone to tell you that you're being silly and over-sensitive. You came to the wrong place. Too many of us know exactly this scenario, and how dangerous and trauamtic silence is. The worst thing you can do is feel guilted into having your daughter around someone you inherently don't trust. And you have no idea whether and how often he's done this to others.

If you are uncomfortable trying to create boundaries and keep your child safe, imagine how uncomfortable victims of more substantial abuse are. Imagine what would be saved if people who had a really bad gut or their own bad experiences were able to at minimum protect others, but even better confront the abuser. No, not everyone is going to be able to confront the abuser. But you have no excuse for not protecting your own child, even if this is all based on a really bad gut feeling. Better to err on the side of safety, especially since you DO have your own uncomfortable and inappropriate experience with this relative.

Anonymous wrote:Op here : Okay I know how I sound. I do. But nonetheless one could
Say affectionate brother father etc kissed back of neck and moved hand towards thjngs but never got there.
And it was a million years ago. I told my dh of that one event he says eh - crossed boundary but
Could have been worse. But he doesn't know what dd said and he doesn't know there were a few other
Mild uncomfirtable moments in my experience.

This relative is 100% responsible for his actions, so by saying the following I'm not blaming you, but it's CRUCIAL that you understand it:

It may have been "a millions years ago" that this happened to you. But you have NO idea how recently he may have done it to someone else. You and your daughter are not the only girls or children in the world. You have no idea how many other girls or kids he may have tried this with and maybe they weren't as brave backing away.

I know way too much about this issue. The people who are charming and well-loved are, when they are abusers, are the most successful and most horrible. Because no one wants to believe it, not even the victims, and often when the victims are brave enough to tell, no one else believes them.

Your job is to protect your child. While family may know something is wrong, you don't owe anyone an explanation. Tell them you are feeling like your family wants to spend more of the holiday at home. Do whatever you need to. If this is your dad and that's why it's so awkward, you still have the right to alter your holiday habits. Or tell your daughter that if you do go and spend the night, you will never leave her alone with this person. And then KEEP YOUR PROMISE and never leave her alone. Do not let anyone guilt you into alone time. You don't have to explain, you can just say "no, I'll stay too" or "No, she's coming with me" and just keep on moving.

You keep saying you've grown a spine, but you haven't, have you?

Op here :that last post was mine.

No matter who the relative is? No matter if it permanently effects a primary relationship for her and her siblings? How would
You explain cutting this off to the relatives involved (elderly)?

Yes. Contact should've been cut off long ago, having a daughter has given you a fresh perspective on the situation and what he did and you are no longer comfortable socializing with that individual.

Op : if I had only mentioned the incident of years ago, not the dd reticence would the
Sentiment on this board remain the same? Even if it was years ago and u socialize now keep
Your distance because you've grown a spine? Or is dd the tipping point to creating the distance?

Your job is to protect your kid. Even if that makes things awkward for you.

You're acting like you're the only one he did this to. Is that what you believe?

Op here: but how do I explain to anybody that after years
Of endless family togetherness and visits I'm suddenly
Saying oh no I have a problem w something that happened decades ago?
I mean my dd had reticence but no longer. If there was nothing more to her
Reticence than a girl who not charmed by this relative - is what happened decades ago in its own
Enough to say I've had an epiphany I'm cutting off contact?

What you are describing is the affection between a couple in a relationship. NOT an older family member with a younger family member. No part of that is okay. You need to STOP using the fact he actually listened to you to stop as an "okay" for what he did. You should cut off all contact and keep your child a very safe distance from him.

Op here : this is super close relative. Daughter says looking forward to seeing him now but she felt how she felt earlier this year (we've seen them 2 or 3 times since). Just odd for 4 year old to be so vehement about a cherished relative. And seriously if I say no to holidays it's a house of cards. If I say no more visits with kids how do I not explain? And yet it was years and years ago.

Approach the relative and say that you haven't forgetten what happened. You are not holding it against him but you will not allow him to have any access to your daughter. Period. He needs to know that you have not forgotten.