recognise that when you were putting too much emphasis on beauty you were

a) projecting things about your own life, and
b) praising your children for something out of their control.

Now, that take on your language problem opens the door to all sorts of solutions beyond protecting the ugly duckling's feelings, and creates opportunities to do well by all your children through praise of honest effort, trying new things, kindness, or anything else you truly want to value.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I tell my daughter she is beautiful every day (among other praises). She is beautiful no matter what she looks like. You can tell all your children they are beautiful. You think that, it's true.

Ugh. I hate this notion that everyone is beautiful. We don't tell our children that everyone is athletic, everyone is good at art, everyone is good at math, or everyone is kind. So why the insistence that everyone is beautiful?

My mom used to say that I was beautiful. Made me doubt her judgment in other areas, too. I am and have never been beautiful. I was and still am nice enough looking but not beautiful.

Anonymous wrote:I was an ugly kid who grew up to be model pretty as a teen. You really never know. I'm sure the reverse is often true. Make girls' lives about other accomplishments.

Not ugly maybe, but awkward, gawky, skinny and terrible eczema and chronic chapped lips and braces. A mess, I was. Then puberty hit (though the braces remained) I consciously upped my game, clothing and hair wise, and became more confident. I did teen fashion shows, was on Homecoming Court in high school and college. So glad I did not peak too early. Some of us are late bloomers. Your daughter is four. Use this time to build her confidence...something my parents never, ever did.

I was one of those babies / children that got all of the comments. I still remember, honestly I can't remember one person who didn't talk about how beautiful I was. Then I hit puberty! Ooh my. So I had about 5 years of super awkward just timed for high school. Then by college and my 20's I was beautiful again.

I've always tried to be more than my looks. People said it to me enough that it was annoying - but only the way kids find it annoying when people say something predictable and prosaic to them constantly. At the same time, I feel like maybe it was a boost that got me through the awkward years, physically speaking. And yet, in my 40's, even though I'm very accomplished, professionally, I find myself mourning my looks as they fade. I don't know if this happens to everyone or if people who were less happy with their "physical looks" or who just didn't care at all fare better with aging?

Now I have attractive kids, and I'm not sure what to say to them - tell them they're pretty? I guess I liked it enough once the annoying part passed. So with my kids, I've generally been saying "you are really beautiful. Both by my standards and I think by society's. People will probably always find you attractive. But to be really beautiful inside and out you need to focus on where your heart leads." I don't know if it's enough, or the right thing, or what?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I tell my daughter she is beautiful every day (among other praises). She is beautiful no matter what she looks like. You can tell all your children they are beautiful. You think that, it's true.

Ugh. I hate this notion that everyone is beautiful. We don't tell our children that everyone is athletic, everyone is good at art, everyone is good at math, or everyone is kind. So why the insistence that everyone is beautiful?

Because if i suck at baseball, I don't play. If I suck at math, I become an English major. If someone tells me I'm ugly, then what? Hide my face? Don't go out anymore? Because they did tell me that, and I tried hiding for a while and trust me when I say it doesn't work and sets the stage for a pretty awful life unless you can get a handle on the confidence.

+1. I'm not pretty, and I'm well aware of it, but it's not my fault that I didn't get the particular combination of genes that result in looks that our society values. (I also suck at sports, and art, and math, but I am a kick-ass writer and I think I am a kind and loving person as well!). I am beautiful to my parents and to my husband, though. I promise you PP, no one is going through life getting participation trophies for good looks. We realize all too quickly that we don't make the grade when it comes to appearance, so is it really all that harmful when our loved ones say "you are beautiful to me"?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you posted about this before?

+1 I feel like I read this thread recently.

No, but I wouldn't be surprised if someone else posted something similar. For whatever reason we live in a culture that highly values aesthetics.

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you posted about this before?

+1 I feel like I read this thread recently.

Anonymous wrote:I was an ugly kid who grew up to be model pretty as a teen. You really never know. I'm sure the reverse is often true. Make girls' lives about other accomplishments.

This. I know an older woman who's youngest daughter was apparently a very awkward looking child. She says she used to go out of her way to tell her how beautiful she was to her, because she knew she might not hear it much from elsewhere. As it turned out, she grew up to be quite attractive, but her mother wasn't sure which way it would go. And everyone deserves to feel that they are beautiful to someone, believe me. I had a model pretty sister, and I always knew I was the less attractive one. Also didn't help to have a mother who occasionally said things like, "no one will pay attention to how smart you are [I was always top of my class] if you are fat and unattractive"...yeah, that was healthy.

But when DH first met my sister he honestly didn't understand what anyone saw in her. Before I had ever told him about her actually having had modeled as a child, he made a comment about how I must have been the pretty one growing up. Not that I want people to think my sister's ugly, but it was truly the first time I had ever thought I might be attractive, like at all. So please just remind your DD that she is attractive in her own way, and that she is beautiful to you. Not everyone is a future model, but that doesn't make them universally unattractive.

Well... I will say that as a child my parents never focused on our looks, always on our brains (we're indian) and as a girl, growing up, I was always confident and excelled in school, BUT I did wonder if I was attractive bc nobody ever told me I was. I actually am a pretty decent looking person but I didn't know that then bc nobody told me. I do think its important for girls to know they are attractive lest they spend so much time worrying about it--- but it is also critical for them to know they are and can be so much more than their looks. A different, personal, perspective.

I was an ugly kid who grew up to be model pretty as a teen. You really never know. I'm sure the reverse is often true. Make girls' lives about other accomplishments.

Anonymous wrote:How old is she? I'm really curious what your daughter looks like now. Everyone is beautiful "in their own way". Kids go through stages where they might be an ugly duckling when they are younger, or go through that awkward teen phase where no one is good looking, and then when they finish growing into their faces, they are good looking or unique looking or interesting looking in a good way, even if not beautiful. Also, girls can enhance their looks with makeup or hairstyles. Plus youth and what they exude through their eyes or smiles makes people attractive. Take Chelsea Clinton for example. She turned out not half bad, but went through a long stage of not being typically attractive, but she found a man and now has a baby. If your daughter is "still cute", by your own admission, then I don't think you need to worry.

Four. She is someone who could probably be a model as an adult because her look is so rare and striking. She takes after my husband and has dominate features, strong jaw and eyebrow line that could look gorgeous on her as she grows older. I don't think she's ugly at all, she just has a different look than my other two. There beauty is very obvious to most, but at the same time it's not unusual.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I tell my daughter she is beautiful every day (among other praises). She is beautiful no matter what she looks like. You can tell all your children they are beautiful. You think that, it's true.

Ugh. I hate this notion that everyone is beautiful. We don't tell our children that everyone is athletic, everyone is good at art, everyone is good at math, or everyone is kind. So why the insistence that everyone is beautiful?

When DH and I are at a party, i look around and think "dang, my Dh is the most attractive guy in this room!" And yet I'm
Sure my friends are thinking the same about their dh's. Attractiveness and beauty are subjective. There's no one standard ideal or model of beauty, so yes...everyone can be beautiful to someone.

I know it's trendy now to say "everyone's not a winner" but this is one dimension where I feel it's so important for parents NOT to take that blunt approach. Your job is to build up your kids, the world will spend the rest of their lives knocking them down. Now you don't have to be delusional...don't encourage her to enter beauty pageants necessarily but the fact is beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Many many people WILL think your daughter is beautiful in her life. And if they don't, she's hanging around the wrong people. That's what I'd want any daughter to know, that she's beautiful and loved and will be for all her life. To have confidence in that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I tell my daughter she is beautiful every day (among other praises). She is beautiful no matter what she looks like. You can tell all your children they are beautiful. You think that, it's true.

Ugh. I hate this notion that everyone is beautiful. We don't tell our children that everyone is athletic, everyone is good at art, everyone is good at math, or everyone is kind. So why the insistence that everyone is beautiful?

+1 It's not true that everyone is beautiful. Everyone has intrinsic worth and value. Everyone has the potential to be something wonderful. Everyone is unique. But everyone is not conventionally good looking! I think it does harm to tell our kids this kind of foolishness.

Find ways to support and build the self-esteem of all your kids, not just the one that is not as conventionally "pretty". Her true beauty is going to come from the inside anyway. Think of all the pretty people you've met who are total jerks or the beautiful women w/crappy self esteem. You can't totally take focus off the physical and I don't think you should try. I think building up somehow that what other people say doesn't mean anything in the long run (e.g., the pretty dress comment) will be most helpful.

I remember very clearly the day my sisters were talking about how my nose was too big, my mouth too wide, and my butt "hanging to my knees"; I was maybe 12. I'm 42 now and it still gets to me. From other people, I got all the "...and your youngest daughter is so tall and has such nice hair!" comments; they got the "pretty" ones. It f(*&ing sucked and still can get to me on bad days. I wish my mother had taught me somehow about self-esteem and less about the importance of wearing eye makeup. I like Aha Parenting's articles on self esteem: https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=aha%20parenting%20building%20self%20esteem