Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: OP, I'm sorry to hear that and he is lucky that you care so much about him. That said, only share your opinion of he asks. If you really feel you must warn him, then maybe say "Do you want me to tell you what I think about your future wife?" If he has "no" then don't say it. He's an adult.

My SILs warned DH about me many years ago. They both have narcissistic traits and they liked to control everything. (Not saying this is you OP at all, just sharing a story). I distanced myself from them once I saw that all they want to do is gossip and create drama. This infuriated them, so they warned DH that I didn't value family, blah blah. It is now 15 years later. DH and I are still happily married and with kids now. His sisters have a few divorces under their belts and they have stopped talking to eachother. Luckily back in the day, DH didn't heed their warnings. Again, this isn't you OP, but just showing an example where the guy was glad he didn't heed the warnings.

OP here. It's so easy to twist everything. I have heard her say such things about our family (about "gossip and drama"), and I am afraid that that's how he'll take my sincere concern. It's why I backed off in the early days of their relationship when he pulled away from me. Because I would never want to get in the middle of a couple. But the more I read about NPD, the more I see how the spouse and children are victims of abuse, and it's harder and harder for me to be silent about it all. But I guess what I'm afraid is how it will be perceived and twisted.

That's why to focus on him, his reality, what you see, the change in him over time. Remind him who he used to be. You can't fight crazy on crazy's turf so stay on your own turf, the loving sibling. What do the books you're reading about NPD say?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: OP, I'm sorry to hear that and he is lucky that you care so much about him. That said, only share your opinion of he asks. If you really feel you must warn him, then maybe say "Do you want me to tell you what I think about your future wife?" If he has "no" then don't say it. He's an adult.

My SILs warned DH about me many years ago. They both have narcissistic traits and they liked to control everything. (Not saying this is you OP at all, just sharing a story). I distanced myself from them once I saw that all they want to do is gossip and create drama. This infuriated them, so they warned DH that I didn't value family, blah blah. It is now 15 years later. DH and I are still happily married and with kids now. His sisters have a few divorces under their belts and they have stopped talking to eachother. Luckily back in the day, DH didn't heed their warnings. Again, this isn't you OP, but just showing an example where the guy was glad he didn't heed the warnings.

OP here. It's so easy to twist everything. I have heard her say such things about our family (about "gossip and drama"), and I am afraid that that's how he'll take my sincere concern. It's why I backed off in the early days of their relationship when he pulled away from me. Because I would never want to get in the middle of a couple. But the more I read about NPD, the more I see how the spouse and children are victims of abuse, and it's harder and harder for me to be silent about it all. But I guess what I'm afraid is how it will be perceived and twisted.

Anonymous wrote:The hardest part will be when you find out it wasn't just her doing but your brother's as well.

For years we blamed my SIL for keeping my brother away until it dawned on us he wanted it that way.

Anonymous wrote: OP, I'm sorry to hear that and he is lucky that you care so much about him. That said, only share your opinion of he asks. If you really feel you must warn him, then maybe say "Do you want me to tell you what I think about your future wife?" If he has "no" then don't say it. He's an adult.

My SILs warned DH about me many years ago. They both have narcissistic traits and they liked to control everything. (Not saying this is you OP at all, just sharing a story). I distanced myself from them once I saw that all they want to do is gossip and create drama. This infuriated them, so they warned DH that I didn't value family, blah blah. It is now 15 years later. DH and I are still happily married and with kids now. His sisters have a few divorces under their belts and they have stopped talking to eachother. Luckily back in the day, DH didn't heed their warnings. Again, this isn't you OP, but just showing an example where the guy was glad he didn't heed the warnings.

Anonymous wrote:Thanks, everyone, for your continued advice. I feel like I've just been walking on egg shells for so long around him and her, and it's only recently that I've begun to see what's really going on.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for taking the time to respond.

She's already tried to poison my relationship with him. It was really bad for a while and he even knows about some of the lies she told to do it, and somehow he still thinks of their relationship as based in mutual honesty and says so. She's moved on to destroying his relationship with other family members now. It's so heartbreaking. Right now I feel like if he reaches out, I'm just a listener, and I try to be supportive without pointing out any of the things I see her doing, but how long can that go on? She's going to break him until he's just a shell. And he's letting her.

OP, I think it's perfectly fine for you to talk with your brother and calmly share what you've observed about HIM. Something like...

"Larlo, I'm sharing this with you because I would want someone to do the same for me. You don't seem happy. For example, you used to tell me how much you loved coming home for Thanksgiving. Now, you don't even call. You used to make time for ____ and now you hardly ever mention it. You were passionate about it, and it brought you joy. One of the things that has always stood out about you is your smile and infectious laugh. I can't recall the last time I heard you laugh or see you smile. You just don't seem to be the content, confident person I grew up with... I want you to be happy. This isn't a dress rehearsal, and I want you to have the life you deserve. What's going on?"

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for taking the time to respond.

She's already tried to poison my relationship with him. It was really bad for a while and he even knows about some of the lies she told to do it, and somehow he still thinks of their relationship as based in mutual honesty and says so. She's moved on to destroying his relationship with other family members now. It's so heartbreaking. Right now I feel like if he reaches out, I'm just a listener, and I try to be supportive without pointing out any of the things I see her doing, but how long can that go on? She's going to break him until he's just a shell. And he's letting her.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for taking the time to respond.

She's already tried to poison my relationship with him. It was really bad for a while and he even knows about some of the lies she told to do it, and somehow he still thinks of their relationship as based in mutual honesty and says so. She's moved on to destroying his relationship with other family members now. It's so heartbreaking. Right now I feel like if he reaches out, I'm just a listener, and I try to be supportive without pointing out any of the things I see her doing, but how long can that go on? She's going to break him until he's just a shell. And he's letting her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for taking the time to respond.

She's already tried to poison my relationship with him. It was really bad for a while and he even knows about some of the lies she told to do it, and somehow he still thinks of their relationship as based in mutual honesty and says so. She's moved on to destroying his relationship with other family members now. It's so heartbreaking. Right now I feel like if he reaches out, I'm just a listener, and I try to be supportive without pointing out any of the things I see her doing, but how long can that go on? She's going to break him until he's just a shell. And he's letting her.

This feels like Guidice drama from Real Housewives of NJ.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for taking the time to respond.

She's already tried to poison my relationship with him. It was really bad for a while and he even knows about some of the lies she told to do it, and somehow he still thinks of their relationship as based in mutual honesty and says so. She's moved on to destroying his relationship with other family members now. It's so heartbreaking. Right now I feel like if he reaches out, I'm just a listener, and I try to be supportive without pointing out any of the things I see her doing, but how long can that go on? She's going to break him until he's just a shell. And he's letting her.

Anonymous wrote:Is your brother marrying my sister? If so, I'm sorry for him/you. Know that her side of the family feels for you.