...and don't let them guilt him into anything just because they live in CA. Our parents live in Europe, and we see them less than once a year.

Perhaps you don't have a MIL problem, but a DH problem? Or maybe it's just your personal communication issue?

We all have ILs, and I imagine most of us have put our foot down at some point - DH and I and all my friends, at any rate. We are not the same age and come from all kinds of cultural backgrounds.

So what is stopping you exactly, from setting boundaries? Is your husband unwilling to say: "This year, Mom, we cannot host you. You'll have to stay at an hotel."? Are his parents actually going to show up at your door (in which case you would not open it because they would be beyond rude)?
I have said to DH: "I cannot host your mother more than X days". This is a woman I love, mind. And DH has told me many times he can't stand my mother, which I sympathize with, since she's quite difficult to live with. My parents have taken our hotel suggestion many times, since everyone is happier that way.

Either you present a united front with your husband, or you become the bad guy and do it all yourself. Those two solutions seem to me infinitely preferable to suffering a rude MIL for years, but it's your choice, OP.

^^I am not OP BTW

It's hard to ask to limit a stay to 4 days (perfect length IMO) when the ILs are coming from CA. I have the same issue. They are spending a lot on the plane tickets and car rental and the hassle of the airports, and they want to stay at least a week to make it worth their while.

Could someone script how to cut visit down to 4 days from 7 days when they call up and announce their plans?

Why is your DH letting you suffer this way? He should be the one telling his parents about the way the house runs and how their behavior is stressing you out.

I resent being called a victim or martyr. I cannot say they can't with us or that they can't stay for a week. This is already whittled down from last year's 10 day stay. I asked once 9 years ago if they could stay in a hotel when I had our DD and that ended in an epic fight. They of course states at our house anyway. My MIl is incredibly selfish.

Btw, she knows what time the kids get up and open presents. They've been alive for 9 years but she needs her sleep she says. But you're right. My kids don't need to shush for her. I will try to stick to our schedule but it really is difficult bc they aren't independent and guilt DH about flying from CA and being neglected.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anything critical gets called out immediately. "Helen, that was very critical. I think you owe me an apology. If you can't apologize, I am going to ask yoou to leave." And follow through. "Helen, this isn't working out. Please pack your things and I will arrange a hotel and call a cab."

As for the traditions, make your plan, give them notice, do it anyway. Anything that involves driving, hire uber. Seriously. They do not get to hijack your husband.

This would result in 10 years of the freezeout, the silent treatment, and a total estrangement and breakdown and splitting of the extended family. (not OP)

And that's a bad thing?

Anonymous wrote:Zoo lights. Go without them. "Remember, Mary, we have Zoo Lights tonight with the children. If you and Bob need dinner, there are plenty of things to choose from in the fridge and the local pizza delivery is on a magnet on the side of the fridge."

Christmas morning. "Mary, last year you were sad to have missed the kids opening presents. They will be up at 6am so please set your alarm if you would like to join. If not, we will hold your presents to them aside until you guys are up. I bought some ear plugs for you so they don't wake you if you want to sleep in."

Food on Christmas morning. I have my MIL every year for Christmas morning. Lucky me. I make a French toast casserole ahead of time, breakfast casserole, and a fruit salad. When we get up, I put the casseroles in to cook. We open presents and then breakfast is ready. Clean up happens after the festivities are over. If you don't like cooking, get a selection of bagels and cream cheeses, fresh fruit, juice, and coffee.

Drive through light displays. Does anyone you know have a minivan that you can borrow for an hour or two? Can you rent a van big enough for everyone? If not, skip the light display with them and do it before they get here.

I *highly* recommend hosting a Christmas open house party one of the days they are here. I also recommend you leaving the house daily for some period of time. I further recommend taking advantage of their being here. Go out to dinner with your husband and leave the kids home with them.

This is all great advice, OP. You say they are DH's parents. Well, you are his wife. This is your family and your home. You can be kind and welcoming without being a doormat.

Anonymous wrote:Anything critical gets called out immediately. "Helen, that was very critical. I think you owe me an apology. If you can't apologize, I am going to ask yoou to leave." And follow through. "Helen, this isn't working out. Please pack your things and I will arrange a hotel and call a cab."

As for the traditions, make your plan, give them notice, do it anyway. Anything that involves driving, hire uber. Seriously. They do not get to hijack your husband.

This would result in 10 years of the freezeout, the silent treatment, and a total estrangement and breakdown and splitting of the extended family. (not OP)

Anonymous wrote:You can't change other people. You can only change your reaction to them. Tell your IL's what your itinerary is and some of the non-negotiables on it. Ask them which events they will be attending and which they would prefer to opt out of. Be matter of fact and pleasant about it and don't act defensive. Just because they're visiting doesn't mean you have to spend every waking moment together.

+1. And leave the kids with them and go to some Christmas parties and have fun. If you have some invites to them (we don't but not sure if that's normal or not).

I do have parents and in laws, both of whom have prevented my nuclear family from doing the things we want to do during holidays. After some unpleasant visits, dh and I agreed to say no. We will get together with family in ways that works for us and that means they reduce stress for us. Anyone with a history of being a bad house guest, including gma, gets either a short visit or a hotel room.

This post bothers me as op is being a victim or a martyr.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. As an example we go to zoo lights the week before but they don't want to walk in the cold. We do drive through lights on Christmas eve. That they insist on joining in but we have to drive them separately so it ends up just me and kids while DH is in a separate car. We open presents Christmas morning but they like to sleep later. This happened last year so the kids had open presents quietly so as not to wake them. Then MIL woke up and was "sad" she missed it. I spend the rest of morning cooking everyone breakfast and cleaning up Instead of enjoying my family time.

I sympathize with you. But I think you could take small steps to make this all a little more tolerable for you.

Go to the zoo without them. Let them know how special it is for your kids, certainly they'd understand if it's something for the kids.
Could you rent a mini van for the week, so you don't have to always take separate cars?
Christmas morning: again, let them know what time the kids get up and open presents. They can choose to be there or not. I agree with PP, don't make your kids keep their voices down on Christmas morning!!!
Breakfast: there is absolutely no need to cook a big breakfast. For this situation I would do cinnamon rolls (out of a can) and fruit. Then ask DH to clean up the kitchen afterwards. Another easy breakfast (and more hearty) could be biscuits and gravy. Frozen biscuits out of a bag, gravy from a package (just add milk); maybe heat up some sausage the day before, and cut it up and throw it in. Then ask DH to clean the kitchen afterwards.

Obviously they're set in their ways, but it's Christmas and they're at your house. They should expect to do things differently than they're used to, and should expect to not spend every waking minute with you (which is why going to the zoo should be totally fine). Maybe you're being overly cautious about their feelings in the first place. Who knows, maybe they'd be happy to relax and watch some tv while you're at the zoo; or possibly they would have liked to be notified that you'd be up early on Christmas morning. Either way, try letting them know your plans and just go with it.

I agree with letting them know what your plans are, they can get up early for the gifts, etc.
I also think you should somehow get their visit to be 3 or 4 days instead of a week. A week is a LONG time.

Zoo lights. Go without them. "Remember, Mary, we have Zoo Lights tonight with the children. If you and Bob need dinner, there are plenty of things to choose from in the fridge and the local pizza delivery is on a magnet on the side of the fridge."

Christmas morning. "Mary, last year you were sad to have missed the kids opening presents. They will be up at 6am so please set your alarm if you would like to join. If not, we will hold your presents to them aside until you guys are up. I bought some ear plugs for you so they don't wake you if you want to sleep in."

Food on Christmas morning. I have my MIL every year for Christmas morning. Lucky me. I make a French toast casserole ahead of time, breakfast casserole, and a fruit salad. When we get up, I put the casseroles in to cook. We open presents and then breakfast is ready. Clean up happens after the festivities are over. If you don't like cooking, get a selection of bagels and cream cheeses, fresh fruit, juice, and coffee.

Drive through light displays. Does anyone you know have a minivan that you can borrow for an hour or two? Can you rent a van big enough for everyone? If not, skip the light display with them and do it before they get here.

I *highly* recommend hosting a Christmas open house party one of the days they are here. I also recommend you leaving the house daily for some period of time. I further recommend taking advantage of their being here. Go out to dinner with your husband and leave the kids home with them.

I'm not arguing that I don't have the right to feel that way but I am saying that I can't actually just say no. Anyone with ILs knows what I'm talking about.