Partially OF HER OWN MAKING does not cut it OP. that means you must accept your responsibility.


That being said, if you are being abused as you claim, you are no different than the women that post here who are abused. It's not easy but you need to get out. Call a domestic helpline.

I myself was in an abusive relationship for years. It finally came to the point that I was hurt physically, and legally he police had to intervene. Truthfully, I could have left before, but it was easier when the police defined it. Looking back, I had lots of justification earlier to leave, but I didn't. I just had excuses why I "couldn't". Imagine.. Once his hands were actually around my neck enough that I was unconscious, I COULD.

IF she's that bad, then leave. Don't tell her you're leaving. Just do it. Buying time, telling her, etc. then you're complicit. I was. I didn't deserve the treatment I got in the end, but you know wha. I allowed it by making threats, promises, and announcements.

Get out. If you believe it and she's bad bad as what you say, then get out. Don't announce it on DCUM. just do it, go live with a friend.

It actually sounds like you're emotionally unavailable to her, based on your "fantasy land" statement. But you know what- it doesn't matter. If your relationship is that broken, do both of you a favour and LEAVE. no promises, no blah blah, just go.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You expect us to have sympathy for you when you have none for your wife? Seriously?

Damn. Grow up and get some self awareness and emotional maturity. If you get a divorce I'm sure it's the best thing that could happen to your wife.

Oh FFS she's verbally abusive, lies and cheats, according to OP. I cannot fathom where this vitriol is coming from.
Best of luck to you, OP.

The vitriol comes from his self description that his wife lives in a "fantasy land" because she is upset about living far away from friends and family.

That's not a fantasy land, that's a valid complaint and cause for marital strain. It is at least worth some empathy from the OP, NOT the gas lighting response that he's given.

Counselling only works if you do the work ON YOURSELF. going is not enough. The fact that OP refers to a fantasy land about a valid concern indicates to me he was just punching a card when going to counselling.

Clearly his mind is made up. He's only coming here to gain supporters so he can solidify to his wife that he is "right". He just needs to move along and stop being a dick.

I am the OP. My wife and I have been through two rounds of counseling. The first second round was three years ago. The entire time of the counseling, when she would try to blame me for her decisions, the counselor gently told her she needs to take responsibility for her own actions. She needs to understand she can only control herself and her actions, not me or my actions. She walked out of the counseling and said she will not go back. I have been seeing a therapist separately now b/c I need to: a) learn to cope with and respond to my wife's anger and the inappropriate ways she expresses that anger.

When she lashes out violently or is verbally abusive, she uses the line that she would not behave this way if I "did not make her angry." This is the classic response of an abuser. It is there in all the literature. As to her cheating, she blames me for being "emotionally unavailable to her." I am sorry dear, but you made the decision to cheat, not me. And perhaps I would have been more "emotionally available" had you not been consistentl tearing me down every minute of every day.

I also need to make an exit plan and to ensure my kids are looked after both emotionally and physically. This is very very hard.

I am sorry that my DW has no friends or family nearby. It is partially of her own making.

OP's attitude doesn't matter. If the marriage is not working, it's time to part. No, his wife's problems are not his.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You expect us to have sympathy for you when you have none for your wife? Seriously?

Damn. Grow up and get some self awareness and emotional maturity. If you get a divorce I'm sure it's the best thing that could happen to your wife.

Oh FFS she's verbally abusive, lies and cheats, according to OP. I cannot fathom where this vitriol is coming from.
Best of luck to you, OP.

The vitriol comes from his self description that his wife lives in a "fantasy land" because she is upset about living far away from friends and family.

That's not a fantasy land, that's a valid complaint and cause for marital strain. It is at least worth some empathy from the OP, NOT the gas lighting response that he's given.

Counselling only works if you do the work ON YOURSELF. going is not enough. The fact that OP refers to a fantasy land about a valid concern indicates to me he was just punching a card when going to counselling.

Clearly his mind is made up. He's only coming here to gain supporters so he can solidify to his wife that he is "right". He just needs to move along and stop being a dick.

The stronger party requires empathy and effort , which will be thankless. These moments define your character and the trajectory of your life.

Anonymous wrote:You expect us to have sympathy for you when you have none for your wife? Seriously?

Damn. Grow up and get some self awareness and emotional maturity. If you get a divorce I'm sure it's the best thing that could happen to your wife.

Oh FFS she's verbally abusive, lies and cheats, according to OP. I cannot fathom where this vitriol is coming from.
Best of luck to you, OP.

You expect us to have sympathy for you when you have none for your wife? Seriously?

Damn. Grow up and get some self awareness and emotional maturity. If you get a divorce I'm sure it's the best thing that could happen to your wife.

Anonymous wrote:Wow again the bitchy women on dcum strike.

Sorry Op get a divorce and move on. You will not get sympathy from the bitter cows on here.

Signed- a woman.

Agreed

Do not let your wife suck you in to feeling guilty for wanting to divorce her.

She needs to accept that the marriage is over + also acknowledge the reasons why it is over.

It is tough to do so, I understand, but she needs to live in reality and move on. Since your marriage is unhealthy for both of you and counseling has not made a difference then I see no other options available.

She will try to manipulate you OP into feeling like the "Bad Guy" in this scenario, but do not let her. In fact to me it sounds like you are the smart and sensible one here.

Wow again the bitchy women on dcum strike.

Sorry Op get a divorce and move on. You will not get sympathy from the bitter cows on here.

Signed- a woman.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have done rounds and rounds of counseling. DW needs counseling on her own to deal with all sorts of issues stemming from her childhood - death, abandonment, abuse, etc. She is verbally abusive when angry, which is all the time, always demands compassion but rarely gives it and has purposeLy isolated he self from my family, all of whom have been willing to help.

I need my own life back and csnnot be my DW's punching bag for all her frustrations and anxiety. Please understand that.

OP, you sound exactly like my ex.
That's what he used to tell his friends and family, which could not be further away from the truth.
He hated the fact I gave concerts out of town/country. I would clean and tidy up our place, be out of town for a week-end and would come to a filthy, totally unkept place, with dishes piled up in the kitchen, clothes hanging from every chair, and a really dirty bathtub because he would use the bathtub to wash his clothes in even though we had a new washer and drier inside the house.
When I got upset, he would tell me I was being verbally abusive and that he was not my punching bag.

OP, are you sure you're not exaggerating everything she does by, let's say 200%?

x2. I am not buying the OP's whining, "poor me" attitude for a second. Especially given the apparent emotional disconnect/complete lack of empathy for his wife. It's a sob story that has a lot of holes.

Why should OP have empathy for a wife that is verbally abusive, cheats on him, etc., etc.?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have done rounds and rounds of counseling. DW needs counseling on her own to deal with all sorts of issues stemming from her childhood - death, abandonment, abuse, etc. She is verbally abusive when angry, which is all the time, always demands compassion but rarely gives it and has purposeLy isolated he self from my family, all of whom have been willing to help.

I need my own life back and csnnot be my DW's punching bag for all her frustrations and anxiety. Please understand that.

PP here- I understand- it definitely sounds like this marriage needs to end. No one begrudges you going to find your happiness. And you may not feel that you owe her any more compassion based on how she has acted but offer her some- you are leaving after all and after the marriage is done you really won't have to worry about her anymore. It won't cost you anything to have some sympathy for her as you close things out. I wish you the best.

Thank you. There is only so much abuse, lying and cheating one can take.

This is an anon forum. Your initial post made it sound like "oh I'm bored and went to a counselor two times total." On a forum that is mostly women that is going to get you eviscerated.

Feel free to explain in graphic detail why you are considering divorce -- which you do later on -- if she has cheated on you, consistently lied to you, and the such, lay it all out. There'll be a few genuine misandrists that will still find some way to make it Your Fault, but most posters here will at least understand why you're leaving.

I can fully understand the desire to not give a shit about her.

Devil's advocate though: Have you moved out yet? If you're declaring "I'm divorcing you, woman," but don't actually meet with lawyers/move out/etc., that puts her in a huge limbo.

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a loser.

And you're a bitch!

You sound like a loser.

It's not your problem. Get a divorce and move on your life. Good luck to you.