Anonymous
11/20/2014 12:54
Subject: Do you call out the in-laws? Tgiving approaching rapidly...
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:She sounds sort of sad. I would just ignore her. If it's a large family gathering then she should be easy to ignore.
This
I don't really feel like its my job to call other people out because its not my job to teach them to act like normal people. At a certain age, if they are socially awkward or terrible,etc. its a choice.
What if it is not a large family gathering - just inlaws and her along with DH and your kids? Makes for a miserable holiday each and every time with no hope in sight.
I agree, it's not my job to teach them manners but I am not going to suffer silently through condescending insults. They can know that their comments, however well intentioned, are ill-mannered and rude. You don't have to call them out verbally. You can do it all with a shocked expression, cocked eyebrow, or "wow."
i change the subject as my way of not having to suffer silently thru this kind of bs.
Anonymous
11/20/2014 12:42
Subject: Do you call out the in-laws? Tgiving approaching rapidly...
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:She sounds sort of sad. I would just ignore her. If it's a large family gathering then she should be easy to ignore.
This
I don't really feel like its my job to call other people out because its not my job to teach them to act like normal people. At a certain age, if they are socially awkward or terrible,etc. its a choice.
What if it is not a large family gathering - just inlaws and her along with DH and your kids? Makes for a miserable holiday each and every time with no hope in sight.
I agree, it's not my job to teach them manners but I am not going to suffer silently through condescending insults. They can know that their comments, however well intentioned, are ill-mannered and rude. You don't have to call them out verbally. You can do it all with a shocked expression, cocked eyebrow, or "wow."
Anonymous
11/20/2014 11:41
Subject: Do you call out the in-laws? Tgiving approaching rapidly...
Anonymous wrote:SIL is single and unhappy in mid 30s. She has no kids. She not only constantly gives us specific child rearing advice ( you should really allow more trlevision), but also makes comments that really annoy me - her favorite " kids should fit into your life, you shouldn't change your life for your kids."
She also acts like she knows everything about our kids - sees them about 4X a year - and if DC has a meltdown, she immediately steps in and says, "he's really overstimulated by this restaurant/book store. Kids shouldn't be around do many colors/smells/books. It's really hard for them to deal with this level of noise/written words/ blah." (This is generally a full 5 minute soliloquy that is repeated multiple times)
I find it all highly annoying and recently, a totally unrelated person mentioned to me how rude SIL is and how "crazy" (Their word) she sounds.
So, do I call her out? Say something?
Or let it ride , since she's obviously lonely and alone?
* one minor side note is that I think these comments are a larger part of her personality - needs to feel like she knows a lot of experitnces intimately (talks non-stop about her study abroad semester from 12 years ago to prove that she is so worldly), needs to feel authoritative, and needs to feel she belongs - and I think these comments are impeding her personal and professional life . It's not my place to say that, of course, but maybe if she got feedback that her parenting comments are coming across as rude, she'd think about her other beliefs/comments?
wow this sounds just like my sil except we don't have kids yet...but is just the authority and know it all on marriage, food, drinks, flowers, decor etc.
i have stared in disbelief listening to my sil criticize other people's parenting. and my favorite line from her recently: "Larla told me she is trying for another baby. I'm concerned. I don't think they are ready yet."
single. unmarried. no children.
Anonymous
11/18/2014 20:50
Subject: Do you call out the in-laws? Tgiving approaching rapidly...
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:She sounds sort of sad. I would just ignore her. If it's a large family gathering then she should be easy to ignore.
This
I don't really feel like its my job to call other people out because its not my job to teach them to act like normal people. At a certain age, if they are socially awkward or terrible,etc. its a choice.
What if it is not a large family gathering - just inlaws and her along with DH and your kids? Makes for a miserable holiday each and every time with no hope in sight.
Anonymous
11/18/2014 14:47
Subject: Do you call out the in-laws? Tgiving approaching rapidly...
Ignore her. She's just sad & lonely. Not worth a drama.
Anonymous
11/18/2014 14:43
Subject: Do you call out the in-laws? Tgiving approaching rapidly...
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Here's a radical idea... Maybe she's righ? Maybe your kid is tantruming because he's over simulate. Nothing worse than being in public with a screaming tired or hungry kid whose parents are too selfish to take them home to eat or sleep. They haveto shop, damn the kids needs or the other shoppers ears.
Just because someone doesn't have kids doesn't mean they have no good ideas. Sometimes you can't see the forest for the trees.
Your sil does sound annoying but don't dismiss her entirely just because you don't like what she said.
Hmmmm. <nods head, sips water>
+1
I see what you did there.
Anonymous
11/17/2014 14:37
Subject: Re:Do you call out the in-laws? Tgiving approaching rapidly...
I know, wait until your child has a huge poop diaper and is screaming crying then hand em over to SIL tell her you just can't seem to sooth him and since she is so good at it would she please see if she can work her magic. Then quickly let her know you need to run to the store. Then take your dear time. 
Anonymous
11/17/2014 14:34
Subject: Do you call out the in-laws? Tgiving approaching rapidly...
Anonymous wrote:Here's a radical idea... Maybe she's righ? Maybe your kid is tantruming because he's over simulate. Nothing worse than being in public with a screaming tired or hungry kid whose parents are too selfish to take them home to eat or sleep. They haveto shop, damn the kids needs or the other shoppers ears.
Just because someone doesn't have kids doesn't mean they have no good ideas. Sometimes you can't see the forest for the trees.
Your sil does sound annoying but don't dismiss her entirely just because you don't like what she said.
Hmmmm. <nods head, sips water>
Anonymous
11/17/2014 14:31
Subject: Do you call out the in-laws? Tgiving approaching rapidly...
Anonymous wrote:Here's a radical idea... Maybe she's righ? Maybe your kid is tantruming because he's over simulate. Nothing worse than being in public with a screaming tired or hungry kid whose parents are too selfish to take them home to eat or sleep. They haveto shop, damn the kids needs or the other shoppers ears.
Just because someone doesn't have kids doesn't mean they have no good ideas. Sometimes you can't see the forest for the trees.
Your sil does sound annoying but don't dismiss her entirely just because you don't like what she said.
Obviously you have no children
Anonymous
11/17/2014 11:37
Subject: Do you call out the in-laws? Tgiving approaching rapidly...
Anonymous wrote:She sounds sort of sad. I would just ignore her. If it's a large family gathering then she should be easy to ignore.
This
I don't really feel like its my job to call other people out because its not my job to teach them to act like normal people. At a certain age, if they are socially awkward or terrible,etc. its a choice.
Anonymous
11/17/2014 10:53
Subject: Do you call out the in-laws? Tgiving approaching rapidly...
Anonymous wrote:Or you could be sympathetic and consider the possibility that she wants to parent so badly that she can't stop herself.
OP I'd be careful with this one. We had that situation with an aunt who desperately wanted kids and was single and trying to adopt. We thanked her for advice and did the half smile, we let her get away with a lot of things due to our sympathy for her situation and it got worse and worse until we finally had to clearly set boundaries. Her response was "oh you should have just told me I was overstepping. I thought you said "thanks" because you found it helpful." Sometimes the nice thing is to set the limit clearly, calmly and directly and then move one rather than trying to tip toe around things and feeling resentful and annoyed.
Anonymous
11/17/2014 10:53
Subject: Do you call out the in-laws? Tgiving approaching rapidly...
Anonymous wrote:"Sorry, could you hold that thought for a minute?" then pick up your tantruming kid and go into another room and close the door so SIL can't follow you in to "help". When tantrum's over, rejoin the group and start with a fresh topic.
"Hmm" with head nod & sip of water in response to how raising children is supposed to work.
With the over stimulation comments, you could have replied - "You know, you're right. There's way too much noise here. I'm feeling a bit overstimulated myself. I'm gonna take five." and then take a break to play with your kid somewhere out of earshot from your SIL.
If she's rude enough for others to notice & comment, I don't think much is to be gained from "calling her out" - just engage with her positively on the subjects you can and for the rest, be polite when you can, but exit when it gets to be too much.
The above is perfect advice. I'd only add that you and your husband should keep track of the number of comments you get, and if you hit a certain number, you get a date night, or a mani-pedi, or something, just to keep it fun.
I wouldn't recommend trying to show her the Error of Her Ways, if only because it's almost certain to fail, as this is part of her personality generally. The only thing you can actually control is how you react to her behavior. You cannot control her behavior itself.
Anonymous
11/17/2014 10:49
Subject: Do you call out the in-laws? Tgiving approaching rapidly...
I am a fan of being direct in a respectful way because often people like this don't do well with beating around the bush. Plus thanking her or saying you'll considerate reinforces it.
Here are some things I might say,
"I appreciate your wanting to help, but we'll let you know if we want your advice or assistance."
"I know you just want to help, but we see one of the best pediatricians in the area, and she is the person who we ask for advice when needed."
"When you raise kids you can do things your way. We have our own parenting style."
You could also try behavior modification with her. Be really sweet whenever she is pleasant and appropriate, but whenever she tries to give advice, walk away, change the subject or just give her The LOOK, no verbal response and then go right back to doing things your way.
Here are some things I might say,
"I appreciate your wanting to help, but we'll let you know if we want your advice or assistance."
"I know you just want to help, but we see one of the best pediatricians in the area, and she is the person who we ask for advice when needed."
"When you raise kids you can do things your way. We have our own parenting style."
You could also try behavior modification with her. Be really sweet whenever she is pleasant and appropriate, but whenever she tries to give advice, walk away, change the subject or just give her The LOOK, no verbal response and then go right back to doing things your way.
Anonymous
11/17/2014 10:17
Subject: Do you call out the in-laws? Tgiving approaching rapidly...
Let DH handle it since she's his sister, or else you'll end up the bad guy.
FWIW, this would annoy me too, and after awhile I know I'd stop trying to hide it (though I think I'd stop short of calling her out, due to pity for her situation and concerns about getting the rest of the family mad at me). I would just interrupt with "yeah, thanks," flash a quick half-smile, and basically walk away. Not polite, I admit, but not really confrontational either and I think it makes the point.
FWIW, this would annoy me too, and after awhile I know I'd stop trying to hide it (though I think I'd stop short of calling her out, due to pity for her situation and concerns about getting the rest of the family mad at me). I would just interrupt with "yeah, thanks," flash a quick half-smile, and basically walk away. Not polite, I admit, but not really confrontational either and I think it makes the point.