I would approach it differently. I'd say I appreciate that they are trying to help but you prefer to discipline your child according to the plan you have worked out with the various therapists your daughter is involved with.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would approach it differently. I'd say I appreciate that they are trying to help but you prefer to discipline your child according to the plan you have worked out with the various therapists your daughter is involved with. You can say it's counterproductive when others who don't know her situation and how she best learns to correct her behavior get involved. You can even give an example of a harsh reprimand or even a scolding that has ANY emotion in it sometimes reinforces the negative behavior of a sensitive child, making it more likely to happen in the future (see books by Alan Kazdin, they are great). And that ever since you learned that lesson from the therapists, you prefer that your kids not be disciplined by other parents but that the parents go to you instead so that you can follow through according to plan. You can also say that you are careful not to discipline other people's children for that reason even though sometimes you want to. That shows that you appreciate their desire to be helpful but it kind of shuts the door on them nosing in in the future. You could even write it in an email rather than confront her face to face. If it's kind, she will be more likely to understand and maybe she'll even learn that she doesn't have all the answers. My child did pair up with another kid and throw another girl's sweater in a toilet once, at around age 8-9. We laugh every time that Wheezer song comes on, "Do you want to destroy my sweater?!" We did have our child apologize and pay for it out of his gift from his great-grandmother. But he admitted it after initially lying so it wasn't an ambiguous situation. I wouldn't sweat it too much, OP. Sometimes I think it's good for kids to get boundaries from other parents. The main reason I suggest speaking up is to teach this couple some new concepts so they stop thinking they're so awesome and have the right to correct everyone.

I have to gently but strongly disagree. OP doesn't need to give an explanation and does not need to open her disciplining techniques, which may not be as you describe, to these people for discussion or scrutiny. It will just make her sound apologetic. If this is a teaching moment the lesson is that they should not be disciplining another parents child, no matter what the reason.

Anonymous wrote:I would approach it differently. I'd say I appreciate that they are trying to help but you prefer to discipline your child according to the plan you have worked out with the various therapists your daughter is involved with. You can say it's counterproductive when others who don't know her situation and how she best learns to correct her behavior get involved. You can even give an example of a harsh reprimand or even a scolding that has ANY emotion in it sometimes reinforces the negative behavior of a sensitive child, making it more likely to happen in the future (see books by Alan Kazdin, they are great). And that ever since you learned that lesson from the therapists, you prefer that your kids not be disciplined by other parents but that the parents go to you instead so that you can follow through according to plan. You can also say that you are careful not to discipline other people's children for that reason even though sometimes you want to. That shows that you appreciate their desire to be helpful but it kind of shuts the door on them nosing in in the future. You could even write it in an email rather than confront her face to face. If it's kind, she will be more likely to understand and maybe she'll even learn that she doesn't have all the answers. My child did pair up with another kid and throw another girl's sweater in a toilet once, at around age 8-9. We laugh every time that Wheezer song comes on, "Do you want to destroy my sweater?!" We did have our child apologize and pay for it out of his gift from his great-grandmother. But he admitted it after initially lying so it wasn't an ambiguous situation. I wouldn't sweat it too much, OP. Sometimes I think it's good for kids to get boundaries from other parents. The main reason I suggest speaking up is to teach this couple some new concepts so they stop thinking they're so awesome and have the right to correct everyone.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the post above gets at the conflict that sometimes comes with SN parenting and parents who don't live this everyday.

I think judgy parents sometimes think these kids do the behaviors they do because they lack discipline, and disicplining them will get them to stop.

(And yes we don't even think your child did the action in this incident).

As the parent of a SN child who does, unfortunately, engage in inappropriate behaviours, I'm often torn between an intervention that takes into account the antecedent and incorporates an appropriate consequence, and feeling the need/pressure to show other judgy parents I'm on it. Because if I'm not on it, it must be my fault, right???

You can be "on it," but still not want to put your child through a kangaroo trial and public humiliation. I can't imagine parents who think that yanking a child in front of a crowd, announcing guilt without investigation, and publicly humiliating the child is an effective form of discipline.

Anonymous wrote:I think the post above gets at the conflict that sometimes comes with SN parenting and parents who don't live this everyday.

I think judgy parents sometimes think these kids do the behaviors they do because they lack discipline, and disicplining them will get them to stop.

(And yes we don't even think your child did the action in this incident).

As the parent of a SN child who does, unfortunately, engage in inappropriate behaviours, I'm often torn between an intervention that takes into account the antecedent and incorporates an appropriate consequence, and feeling the need/pressure to show other judgy parents I'm on it. Because if I'm not on it, it must be my fault, right???

I think the post above gets at the conflict that sometimes comes with SN parenting and parents who don't live this everyday.

I think judgy parents sometimes think these kids do the behaviors they do because they lack discipline, and disicplining them will get them to stop.

(And yes we don't even think your child did the action in this incident).

As the parent of a SN child who does, unfortunately, engage in inappropriate behaviours, I'm often torn between an intervention that takes into account the antecedent and incorporates an appropriate consequence, and feeling the need/pressure to show other judgy parents I'm on it. Because if I'm not on it, it must be my fault, right???

And we all usually get along just fine, as do our kids, except for who I will refer to as the Perfect Mom and Perfect Dad. Perfect Mom and Perfect Dad feel they have Perfect Kids because they have been Perfect Parents, and that the rest of us Mere Mortal and Imperfect Parents all could benefit from their Perfect Parenting wisdom and skills.

I would say something like "Larla and Larlo, Margaret did not put the tape in the toilet. But if she had, we need to deal with it according to her treatment plan."