Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Meh, your kids don't miss their uncle like you think they do. Sorry, it's just not the same emotional attachment for kids to secondary family members that an adult might have. They might tell you they miss him a lot because they sense that you miss him or the family structure you once had but out of sight, out of mind and that's pretty much true even for kids of school age. It doesn't mean they can't remember hanging out with him and recalling it being fun.

If they really want to have a relationship with him, they can choose to do so when they are older or when things calm down more.

Exactly. People may have thought I loved my aunt/uncles growing up but I really could have cared less. I think thats the case for most kids

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister and her husband have been married for 15 years. We are (or were) a very close family. My kids love their uncle and have been close to him since birth. The couple divorced two years ago. It was nasty and contentious. Lots of hurt on both sides. Neither party behaved well. My kids haven't seen or spoken with their uncle since. They are confused about how a family can be so close one day and then cast out a member completely. The issues are so complex, it's hard to break them down for young kids, so they know very little about the nasty circumstances of the divorce. They are hurt they can't see their uncle, and I feel torn. I want to support my sister (who completely loathes her ex), but it feels wrong to abandon my BIL too. And I think it sends a bad message to my own kids about family bonds. I talked to her about wanting to contact him for my kids' sake, and she said it was okay and seemed to understand. Then when I did, she freaked and now the whole family is mad at me. They feel I'm fanning the flames and choosing sides, which was exactly what I was hoping to avoid. Is it possible to remain neutral in such a situation?

The kids will be taught a good lesson about loyalty. You cannot turn around and backstab your sister. I promise you, the fallout from that will be awful. Stay loyal. It's your sister, you only get one. If she loathes him, I'm guessing it's for a damn good reason.

OP here: How am I backstabbing my sister? I've respected her wishes, although I've never condoned her behavior. I've sacrificed my kids' relationship with their uncle and cousins to support her. I asked her how she felt and she said it was okay to contact him, then changed her mind after the fact. Is that backstabbing? The reason she hates her husband is between them and is her business. He has every right to hate her, too. It's not my place to judge either of them. And they are both family members, one by blood and one by marriage and kids.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I don't have any counsel or wisdom on this, and I don't mean to sound nosy, but your most recent post says there was no infidelity vis a vis the relationship with your ex inlaws. However, early you noted that your ex husband cheated on you (I am so sorry about that). How does that not constitute infidelity?

Anonymous wrote:I think the only way you can stay in contact with your ex-BIL without picking sides is to focus on keeping the kids in touch. They're cousins and should be able to see each other regularly - if one of your kids' birthday falls on one of ex-BIL's weekend with the kids, the cousins should still get to come and your BIL can't realistically be expected to be invisible since it's his time with the kids. So, don't be dramatic, don't bring up the cause of the divorce (even to express sympathy) - just keep it focused on the kids and that their lives should be kept as normal as possible, including the fact the they should be allowed to spend time with their cousins even if it's Dad's time.

If your family gets mad at you for that, just say your invitations to the nieces and nephews isn't conditioned upon who's weekend it is.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister and her husband have been married for 15 years. We are (or were) a very close family. My kids love their uncle and have been close to him since birth. The couple divorced two years ago. It was nasty and contentious. Lots of hurt on both sides. Neither party behaved well. My kids haven't seen or spoken with their uncle since. They are confused about how a family can be so close one day and then cast out a member completely. The issues are so complex, it's hard to break them down for young kids, so they know very little about the nasty circumstances of the divorce. They are hurt they can't see their uncle, and I feel torn. I want to support my sister (who completely loathes her ex), but it feels wrong to abandon my BIL too. And I think it sends a bad message to my own kids about family bonds. I talked to her about wanting to contact him for my kids' sake, and she said it was okay and seemed to understand. Then when I did, she freaked and now the whole family is mad at me. They feel I'm fanning the flames and choosing sides, which was exactly what I was hoping to avoid. Is it possible to remain neutral in such a situation?

The kids will be taught a good lesson about loyalty. You cannot turn around and backstab your sister. I promise you, the fallout from that will be awful. Stay loyal. It's your sister, you only get one. If she loathes him, I'm guessing it's for a damn good reason.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hopefully your sister's conduct will be forgiven. You should teach her not to cheat.

Look I think cheating is about the most entitled behavior one can exhibit but I don't get this kind of post "you should teach her"..........she's a grown woman, its not anyone's job to teach any other adult any kind of lesson. She will have to live with her choices and consequences, etc. Your choice as family is to either accept when someone does something that you don't agree with and move on or not, but its not your place to lay down any kind of law.

Anonymous wrote:Hopefully your sister's conduct will be forgiven. You should teach her not to cheat.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister and her husband have been married for 15 years. We are (or were) a very close family. My kids love their uncle and have been close to him since birth. The couple divorced two years ago. It was nasty and contentious. Lots of hurt on both sides. Neither party behaved well. My kids haven't seen or spoken with their uncle since. They are confused about how a family can be so close one day and then cast out a member completely. The issues are so complex, it's hard to break them down for young kids, so they know very little about the nasty circumstances of the divorce. They are hurt they can't see their uncle, and I feel torn. I want to support my sister (who completely loathes her ex), but it feels wrong to abandon my BIL too. And I think it sends a bad message to my own kids about family bonds. I talked to her about wanting to contact him for my kids' sake, and she said it was okay and seemed to understand. Then when I did, she freaked and now the whole family is mad at me. They feel I'm fanning the flames and choosing sides, which was exactly what I was hoping to avoid. Is it possible to remain neutral in such a situation?

The kids will be taught a good lesson about loyalty. You cannot turn around and backstab your sister. I promise you, the fallout from that will be awful. Stay loyal. It's your sister, you only get one. If she loathes him, I'm guessing it's for a damn good reason.

Anonymous wrote:Meh, your kids don't miss their uncle like you think they do. Sorry, it's just not the same emotional attachment for kids to secondary family members that an adult might have. They might tell you they miss him a lot because they sense that you miss him or the family structure you once had but out of sight, out of mind and that's pretty much true even for kids of school age. It doesn't mean they can't remember hanging out with him and recalling it being fun.

If they really want to have a relationship with him, they can choose to do so when they are older or when things calm down more.

Anonymous wrote:My sister and her husband have been married for 15 years. We are (or were) a very close family. My kids love their uncle and have been close to him since birth. The couple divorced two years ago. It was nasty and contentious. Lots of hurt on both sides. Neither party behaved well. My kids haven't seen or spoken with their uncle since. They are confused about how a family can be so close one day and then cast out a member completely. The issues are so complex, it's hard to break them down for young kids, so they know very little about the nasty circumstances of the divorce. They are hurt they can't see their uncle, and I feel torn. I want to support my sister (who completely loathes her ex), but it feels wrong to abandon my BIL too. And I think it sends a bad message to my own kids about family bonds. I talked to her about wanting to contact him for my kids' sake, and she said it was okay and seemed to understand. Then when I did, she freaked and now the whole family is mad at me. They feel I'm fanning the flames and choosing sides, which was exactly what I was hoping to avoid. Is it possible to remain neutral in such a situation?