Anonymous wrote:1. Set Firm boundaries.
2. Get DH on board.
3. Present a united front.

Do it now, or suffer for years and do it later. It's like ripping off a bandaid. DH needs to reach down and check to make sure he's still got balls, and then USE them to stand up to his mother.

Yes this. It took us a while (and planning a wedding gave us some practice) but my husband and I have learned that we MUST be a united front, he MUST have my back (and I his) and we put our nuclear family first. Period.

He deals primarily w/ his parents, and I deal primarily with my parents, and we make sure we keep each other informed about the postiion we're taking. I also have had to learn how to be really clear about what my boundaries are so that it's something he can understand and articulate. I've also had to have a couple of unpleasant moments w/ my MIL when she tried to push back, or got petulant with me, or shared personal information about me with her entire distribution list, etc... We are several years and two kids into our marriage and the worst of this is behind us now, though it still flares up. But now she knows that she won't get different answers from either one of us and that guilting us doesn't work. I'm taking this as good training for managing kids who try to play the parents off each other as they get older.

Good luck OP. At the core this is a marital issue between you and your husband. You both have to decide (and fully agree with and support each other) where the boundaries are.

Somebody hip grandma to Skype.

Anonymous wrote:This is a DH problem, not MIL. Bottom line.

+ 1000.

First, you need to think about what you want to happen. Do you want your DH to tell her to back off? Do you want all communication to go through DH so you don't have to communicate with her directly? Do you want to set some rules about visitation? Once you decide what you want, you need to sit DH down and look him in the eye and tell him again what's going on. He needs to hear you without the distractions of the TV, his phone or computer - this is so important. Pick a time when the baby is napping and you are feeling clear-headed.

You have to be as honest as possible without being hurtful. He will rush to his mother's defense, but you will remind him about your family (you, him, and the baby) and how this is important for all of you. He might not understand right away, but you will need to beat this horse dead. Don't raise your voice, don't get nasty or petty. If you get emotional and need to cry, do that. But don't manipulate the situation. Be honest. Make sure he's hearing you. If it seems like he's not listening, redirect the conversation. Do this now or the next 20 years are going to be unbearable when she's around.

Anonymous wrote:Mil and I got along great...until the baby came. Then my life turned into an episode of everybody loves Raymond. Literally tried to move in with us (we invited her for 3 days, she brought clothes and cleared her calendar for 3 months). Took apart the nursery while I was napping on maternity leave, because "it didn't make sense how you had it set up." Took the baby on a road trip to see a friend 4 hours away without asking. Judges everything I do as a mother and tells me why it's wrong. So frustrating.

The only way I have coped is by making dh handle all communication. I have not spoken to her in months and I can finally relax a little. It helps that she lives out of state.

PP, I hope you have a nice dress picked out for the DCUM Awards Dinner Dance to be held at Ruth's Chris in Bethesda on New Year's Eve because you will most certainly win the "Craziest MIL Ever" category. Hands down! That award is yours.

OP, you learn a LOT about people during births, weddings, funerals. Hear this, know this. My MIL exactly. It's about her. Or so she thought. In our case, DH was always trying to please his birth family. Thankfully, because that is how he became successful. Now that he has no one to "please" (under duress or abuse), he is kind of agitated and acts out a bit. He actually feels lost, having all this support! My biggest challenge is reminding him this is NOT his birth family. I wonder if abuse victims seek abuse after they are in the clear, in some strange way?

Unfortunately, I have had to do a lot of homework on my own (I have close friends that are professionals). ITA that therapy would be the best - if you can find the right therapist. That is the key. You don't want anyone that necessarily could pick sides, or be "charmed" by a delightful spouse (DH), as we have had to go through. It's a lot of work, but I have faith that your DH will realize his birth family has its flaws. In my case, DH's family made my family look stellar!

OP here. Thanks everyone for the responses. I do think therapy is the way to get my dh to listen to what I'm saying instead of rushing to his mom's defense when I try to talk about things. Would welcome recommendations from those who have btdt.

I think the key will not necessarily be getting her to back off and/or cut the emotional guilt trips, but to get my dh to respond differently to her.

To the pp whose mil tried to move in -- you have my sympathy. Horrible.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:our first baby, her first grand kid. She doesn't want boundaries, and takes even moderate line-drawing as personal insults. I need boundaries, am a private person, and need to feel like I have at least some control over my life. My family is totally different. There have been ridiculous dramatics that I won't go into, but she has been throwing fits over a number of what seem to me (and others) to be reasonable limits.

I just feel like she is inserting herself into my life and marriage unnecessarily at a pretty difficult time--new baby, new jobs, new house--and she is making things so much worse. My husband is guilt tripped beyond belief. I feel like I am walking on eggshells because he is so defensive of her.

I went through something similar where right after the baby was born, the MIL wanted to show up immediately and "help" which is not what I wanted, and not my idea of help. I wanted privacy to get over a traumatic birth experience and bond with my baby who I was separated from in the hospital. My husband sided with his mom, and it still irks me to this day. When she throws fits, it means the boundaries you are setting are working. Let her throw fits. That is her problem if she can't handle it. She needs to get a life, and your husband needs to realize he's now first and foremost your wife, and not his mommy's baby anymore. It's always the worst with the first grandkid. Eventually the novelty wears off and they will find someone else to intrude on.

I don't understand how a husband would side with his mother over his wife. If my husband ever pulled any crap like that I would show him how horrible I could make his life pretty dang quick. Luckily my Dh has an adult relationship with his mother AND his mother is very polite and respects boundaries.

Squeaky wheel gets the grease. And usually in these cases the spouse with the PITA parent has been listening to the squeaking for a long time, so it's messed up their perspective on what's normal.

Do things because you feel like they are right for your kid. Don't do them to tell her off. If she gets upset, it's her problem, as long as that wasn't your intent.

Anonymous wrote:Mil and I got along great...until the baby came. Then my life turned into an episode of everybody loves Raymond. Literally tried to move in with us (we invited her for 3 days, she brought clothes and cleared her calendar for 3 months). Took apart the nursery while I was napping on maternity leave, because "it didn't make sense how you had it set up." Took the baby on a road trip to see a friend 4 hours away without asking. Judges everything I do as a mother and tells me why it's wrong. So frustrating.

The only way I have coped is by making dh handle all communication. I have not spoken to her in months and I can finally relax a little. It helps that she lives out of state.

So sorry. It truly sounds horrible. Very glad your husband is managing the situation.

Anonymous wrote:THis is a DH problem, not MIL. Bottom line.

Agreed. Your DH needs to break this impasse.

I have a great relationship with my MIL, but in the beginning she tried to run my life and for many things I let her get her way. Then she started to became more and more abrasive and would be very nice to me in front of my DH but abusive when he was not there. I felt as if I was losing my mind.

Eventually, I told DH and his reaction was shocking and in many ways liberating (cause he is the most logical person I have met in my life). My DH told both of us that he will not interfere in our relationship since both (MIL and I) are adults and should be able to accept the consequence of our behaviour with each other. At that point I told her (in front of DH), that I do not want any relationship with her because I cannot take her behavior. My DH told her that he cannot make me do anything that I do not want to do, so he will respect whatever I decide. She had not anticipated this at all.

Things changed from that day and eventually MIL and I had an opportunity to have a long heart to heart, draw the boundaries and clear the air. She is a nice person and I am a also a nice person. BUT, when we were in the "MIL-DIL" relationship - we became the worst people possible. Once we were able to break the mold, things became very pleasant. Over these two decades we have had each other's back and we are very comfortable with each other. Both of us are very different people but we have accepted each other, are sensitive to each other's needs and we have not changed our personality to appease the other.

When our relatives and friends comment on how well we get along - I thank my DH in my heart. If he would have insisted that I listen to his mom or if he had tried to mediate each and every infraction and tried to assign blame - the outcome would have been very different. Knowing that my DH had no expectation that I will have a relationship with ILs, I was actually able to define it the way I wanted to and not try and fit into a pre made mold.