WOW, OP, you are generous. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. If the cousin feels so strongly, then maybe the aunt should move in with her/him.

It really doesn't matter what either of you think. Until you get power of attorney or something terrible happens (fall and hospital won't release her home alone) then you can't make your aunt do anything. Lay it out for your cousin. Maybe cousin can take her. Figure out what benefits your aunt is eligible for and how much retirement she has.

A lot of the tasks your aunt needs help with (you didn't list nursing needs) are things you could hire some one for via TaskRabbit. If your aunt wants to stay put in her place, doesn't require daily nurse assistance, but does require help with household maintenance, you could offer to pay for a personal assistant to come 1-2 a week to do errands, pay bills, pick up, do a load of laundry, etc. Maybe that's a better compromise and shuold actually be cheaper than 3k/month.

Anonymous wrote:Also, maybe this would help with your guilt-- your aunt is choosing this situation, right? If she is of mostly sound mind, she is making her own decision that staying home is worth the risks and burdens. It's not like you are making her live there. And it is not your responsibility to enable her decisions no matter how unwise.

It may take a fall or serious home maintenance issue for her to change her mind. Honestly, it is really common for the older person to be in denial until life provides them a reality check or changes their circumstances. It's sad, but that's often how it works. Millions of caregivers are in this situation and have not been able to figure out a solution. So forgive yourself. You are not alone.

I think this plus a combination of limit-setting and prayer. Seriously, you don't have the power to change things in terms of getting her into assisted living, but you do have the power to change things through natural consequences. Tell aunt and cousin that you can run errands for aunt x times per month. That you will do x on y date. Use the PP's language of: "I can't. Would you like to do it or hire someone?"

Sometimes aging just isn't pretty, and sometimes it takes a crisis rather than rational thought for something to work out. Prepare yourself for the crisis, talk with Aging Services in her county, but you may have to back off a bit rather than keeping pushing to be effective.

And your aunt may never make it to assisted living--she may just cobble along until a nursing home is the only option. It may be worth it to her to risk earlier death than leave her home, and at some level, so long as you aren't completely bearing the consequences, that is up to her.

If she has kids - she is first and foremost their responsibility. Stop paying, stop going. As long as you pay or go, nobody else will step up. Her children need to be the ones to solve this not you.

Anonymous wrote:Op here.

Cousin is not my aunt's child. Her kids are not in any position to care about her well being. My aunt wants to live at her own home because she feels capable. She isn't. She actually needs a lot of help and I'm getting tired of having to manage 2 households. I volunteered to pay $3000 a month in living expenses for the assisted living place. Cousin feels that family takes care of family. Cousin has even suggested that I move her into my home.

I care about my aunt, but I am getting tired of this.

Where are her children? Do they care about her well being or have no cash to assist or ability to assist? Are you willing to pay $3000 toward assisted living [unrealistic estimate] if she still owns the house? Who will pay the bills for the house? My parent insisted on staying in the house-then needed assisted living-bills for both. POA didn't get the place on the market. If you are not her POA and are not in her will as executor then you need to bow out of any financial arrangement.

Anonymous wrote:See, I understand that I have options, but I don't want my aunt to suffer because my cousin wants to be a martyr about caring for her.

Why don't you talk to your aunt directly? Find out what she wants. Offer the help to her directly. Express your reservations to her. See how that goes.

Anonymous wrote:Op here.

Cousin is not my aunt's child. Her kids are not in any position to care about her well being. My aunt wants to live at her own home because she feels capable. She isn't. She actually needs a lot of help and I'm getting tired of having to manage 2 households. I volunteered to pay $3000 a month in living expenses for the assisted living place. Cousin feels that family takes care of family. Cousin has even suggested that I move her into my home.

I care about my aunt, but I am getting tired of this.

If cousin feels so strongly about family caring for family, why is cousin not doing the work?

Op. Either you cousin steps up or you move here. There are several income based programs in montgomery county to Baltimore. We just went through this with my mom who hated us for doing it. In the end she loves where she is at and wishes she did it sooner. Assisted living will be a lot more money than that. Good luck

Also, maybe this would help with your guilt-- your aunt is choosing this situation, right? If she is of mostly sound mind, she is making her own decision that staying home is worth the risks and burdens. It's not like you are making her live there. And it is not your responsibility to enable her decisions no matter how unwise.

It may take a fall or serious home maintenance issue for her to change her mind. Honestly, it is really common for the older person to be in denial until life provides them a reality check or changes their circumstances. It's sad, but that's often how it works. Millions of caregivers are in this situation and have not been able to figure out a solution. So forgive yourself. You are not alone.

I totally get it-- you can't make your aunt the victim of a game of who-cares-less chicken. But for non-emergencies like home maintenance and paying bills, I do think you could start taking a harder line. Say to your cousin "I just do not have time to do X. Would you like to do it, or should we discuss hiring a service?" Say that every time, very calmly. It may take a while but eventually your cousin may come around.

See, I understand that I have options, but I don't want my aunt to suffer because my cousin wants to be a martyr about caring for her.

Don't do it. Clearly communicate your position.

It doesn't matter what cousin thinks.

Pick up the phone or not. Go or don't.

It's not your problem to solve.

Anonymous wrote:Op again.

I may have no power in the situation, but I refuse to be painted as an evil curmudgeon who doesn't want to help out when I was the one who was willing to foot the bill BECAUSE of the mere fact that I am not available.

Cousin says that I am trying to pawn off our aunt onto someone else. Honestly, I am. I cannot keep going to VA to go grocery shopping (cousin and aunt don't want to sign up for delivery), run around town paying bills for aunt, fixing problems in the house (leaking pipe etc), waiting with aunt at house for service repairs, driving aunt around town to get to appointment.

Basically my cousin thinks that family does not outsource eldercare.

No power includes no power to force them to change how they see you. I think your position is very, very reasonable (not even outsourcing groceries is insane) and generous. I would figure out for yourself exactly where your limits are (e.g., how often are you willing to travel to your aunt to help with things -- maybe once or twice a month to help out with projects about the house and running errands), and communicate to your cousin exactly what you can provide. Cousin can take you up on what she likes, and handle the rest herself. At the end of the day, you need to find a way to accept that you're doing the right thing even when they're pressuring you for more.