Anonymous
Post 11/03/2014 10:00     Subject: Twice the in laws
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
To me everything else is just white noise around the fact that you don't like being around icky divorced people. Grow up, OP. Not everyone's family turned out the way they had hoped.


Some people are defensive. It's kind of sad divorce has become so commonplace. For those who grew up in families without a lot of divorces, it takes some getting used to being around divorced people because they seem to act in ways that other people do not, they are unaware of how they act, and it's unpleasant to be around. Sort of like how you're acting right now.


Is it really starnge to be shocked that an adult can't be around divorced people because it makes them feel yucky that their marriage failed?
Anonymous
Post 11/03/2014 09:51     Subject: Twice the in laws
You sound like a complainer. Blood is thicker than water! You are speaking of your husbsnd's parents and your kids' grandparents.
I don't knew what advice to give you as all you seem to want to hear is that it's ok if you don't visit your ILs. Obviously your DH disagrees, and he and the kids are the only ones whose opinions should matter.
Anonymous
Post 11/03/2014 09:46     Subject: Re:Twice the in laws
Anonymous wrote:If your husband wants to see his parents/steps more often, he needs to plan the trips. I drew that line early on -- my husband is responsible for maintaining his relationships with his family members (he has a lot of siblings). In 15 years of marriage, I literally never once have said "it's time to plan a visit to see your mom." And I LIKE his mom. But that's not my job.


+1.

I honestly think, in a divorced family, the best thing you can do is create other traditions at other times of year. My dad is a real peach and understands this, so we're totally off the hook for winter holidays with him, as long as we show up for a blowout 4th of July weekend-- the whole parade and lake and cookout routine. The kids have a blast, and it's a lot less holiday pressure on me and DH that way.
Anonymous
Post 11/03/2014 09:16     Subject: Re:Twice the in laws
If your husband wants to see his parents/steps more often, he needs to plan the trips. I drew that line early on -- my husband is responsible for maintaining his relationships with his family members (he has a lot of siblings). In 15 years of marriage, I literally never once have said "it's time to plan a visit to see your mom." And I LIKE his mom. But that's not my job.
Anonymous
Post 11/03/2014 08:20     Subject: Twice the in laws
I get it. Ever since my parents got divorced, there has definitely been a shadow cast over the holidays, as everyone remembers how nice things used to be, before my mom ran off with another man. It's a real downer for me, and super awkward for my DH.
Anonymous
Post 11/02/2014 22:40     Subject: Twice the in laws
Anonymous wrote:
To me everything else is just white noise around the fact that you don't like being around icky divorced people. Grow up, OP. Not everyone's family turned out the way they had hoped.


Some people are defensive. It's kind of sad divorce has become so commonplace. For those who grew up in families without a lot of divorces, it takes some getting used to being around divorced people because they seem to act in ways that other people do not, they are unaware of how they act, and it's unpleasant to be around. Sort of like how you're acting right now.
Anonymous
Post 11/02/2014 20:26     Subject: Twice the in laws
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My husband's parents are divorced and both remarried. One set of in laws lives in state, another moved out of state. My parents live on the other side of the country, but I wish they were closer. Let's just say my MIL is not my cup of tea and my step MIL, while pleasant, is a compulsive gifter so I don't like spending holidays with either set of ILs. I don't really like travelling with small kids to where my parents live because it takes like 12 hours to get there and doing it during the holidays and winter time is exhausting, not to mention the jet lag. I'd rather see my family another time of year when the weather is better. I don't like travelling for Thanksgiving either since it's too crowded, and too short of a break. I don't like the climate most of the year where one set of in laws live. I know we need to visit our relatives, and I want to visit mine, but we don't even go on our own vacations because of being stuck in baby mode for the past several years. The kids are finally getting bigger to where travel would be easier. How do I break out of this stagnation and have a routine of visiting everyone on some sort of rotational basis without having to travel by plane too much? Frankly I'm tired of seeing the ILs since I don't see my own family often enough, but then my husband claims he wants to see his family even though his relationship with his mother is covertly hostile. I feel like because of his parents's divorce, there are just too many ILs to visit that I'm not that motivated to see. I feel guilty about it but on the other hand, blood is thicker than water. How much effort do I need to put into visiting the ILs? I haven't even seen my own sister in 2 years because she doesn't visit, so I don't feel my MIL has a right to complain too much that we haven't visited them since they moved out of state. I think part of the issue is I just feel weird being around divorced and remarried ILs since my own parents are not divorced.


To me everything else is just white noise around the fact that you don't like being around icky divorced people. Grow up, OP. Not everyone's family turned out the way they had hoped.


What is weird about it? I find that my married ILs sometimes remind me of how nice it would be to have married parents, but I think that's pretty normal.
Anonymous
Post 11/02/2014 20:12     Subject: Twice the in laws
How are your kids too young for visiting without the other parent? But old enough to travel more?

We divide and conquer.
Anonymous
Post 11/02/2014 19:49     Subject: Twice the in laws
Anonymous wrote:My husband's parents are divorced and both remarried. One set of in laws lives in state, another moved out of state. My parents live on the other side of the country, but I wish they were closer. Let's just say my MIL is not my cup of tea and my step MIL, while pleasant, is a compulsive gifter so I don't like spending holidays with either set of ILs. I don't really like travelling with small kids to where my parents live because it takes like 12 hours to get there and doing it during the holidays and winter time is exhausting, not to mention the jet lag. I'd rather see my family another time of year when the weather is better. I don't like travelling for Thanksgiving either since it's too crowded, and too short of a break. I don't like the climate most of the year where one set of in laws live. I know we need to visit our relatives, and I want to visit mine, but we don't even go on our own vacations because of being stuck in baby mode for the past several years. The kids are finally getting bigger to where travel would be easier. How do I break out of this stagnation and have a routine of visiting everyone on some sort of rotational basis without having to travel by plane too much? Frankly I'm tired of seeing the ILs since I don't see my own family often enough, but then my husband claims he wants to see his family even though his relationship with his mother is covertly hostile. I feel like because of his parents's divorce, there are just too many ILs to visit that I'm not that motivated to see. I feel guilty about it but on the other hand, blood is thicker than water. How much effort do I need to put into visiting the ILs? I haven't even seen my own sister in 2 years because she doesn't visit, so I don't feel my MIL has a right to complain too much that we haven't visited them since they moved out of state. I think part of the issue is I just feel weird being around divorced and remarried ILs since my own parents are not divorced.


To me everything else is just white noise around the fact that you don't like being around icky divorced people. Grow up, OP. Not everyone's family turned out the way they had hoped.
Anonymous
Post 11/02/2014 19:15     Subject: Twice the in laws
Anonymous wrote:OP, Judging By your post, Jesus could come back and you wouldn't want to see him because you haven't seen your mama and daddy enough this year good God!


You're right. I'm not religious.
Anonymous
Post 11/02/2014 17:42     Subject: Twice the in laws
OP, Judging By your post, Jesus could come back and you wouldn't want to see him because you haven't seen your mama and daddy enough this year good God!
Anonymous
Post 11/02/2014 17:41     Subject: Twice the in laws
Anonymous wrote:Wow. You may honestly be the most negative poster I have seen on DCUM, ever, OP! What on earth do you have to be so unhappy and ungenerous about?

THISSSSSSSSS
Anonymous
Post 11/02/2014 17:18     Subject: Twice the in laws
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It's ok to visit them less. Spending less time with their children and grandchildren is the choice that they made when they got divorced. You cannot wear yourself out trying to compensate for their choices.


Thank you. I feel like you understand.


I sure do. I even rather like my in-laws, but the winter holiday season gives me anxiety starting in October. The one-two punch of Thanksgiving and Christmas, the stress, the expense, the cold dark airport parking garages, the weather delays... it sucks and I hate it.

This year it is probably too late to change plans, but in the future, see if one set of relatives would be ok with a longer visit on a different holiday. For example, 4th of July can actually be really fun with kids. You need to sit your DH down after the holidays and have a calm, problem-solving conversation where you find a solution that works for both of you.
Anonymous
Post 11/02/2014 17:13     Subject: Twice the in laws
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:We struggle with this too. When the older generation is divorced and lives far away, there is simply not enough time for visits. Now that the kids are a little bigger, once a year I take them to my side of the family on my own, and DH takes them on his own to his side. The other parent gets a much-needed staycation at home. So for example, this year I am heading to my parents' on Dec. 21 for a nice long Christmas visit, DH will join us on the 24th-26th. That way you can satisfy the grandparents, yet also get a bit of a break.


That's an idea but my kids are too young to do this yet.


The other thing we have tried is Divide and Conquer. Each of us takes one kid and visits our own parents. The next time, we each take the other kid. Of course, this doesn't work for important holidays, but just for routine visits it can be quite nice. Each child absolutely loves having one parent and two grandparents all to themselves, and they are able to do activities more tailored to each child.


That's a good idea too. Thanks.
Anonymous
Post 11/02/2014 16:43     Subject: Twice the in laws
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:We struggle with this too. When the older generation is divorced and lives far away, there is simply not enough time for visits. Now that the kids are a little bigger, once a year I take them to my side of the family on my own, and DH takes them on his own to his side. The other parent gets a much-needed staycation at home. So for example, this year I am heading to my parents' on Dec. 21 for a nice long Christmas visit, DH will join us on the 24th-26th. That way you can satisfy the grandparents, yet also get a bit of a break.


That's an idea but my kids are too young to do this yet.


The other thing we have tried is Divide and Conquer. Each of us takes one kid and visits our own parents. The next time, we each take the other kid. Of course, this doesn't work for important holidays, but just for routine visits it can be quite nice. Each child absolutely loves having one parent and two grandparents all to themselves, and they are able to do activities more tailored to each child.