Anonymous
Post 10/29/2014 13:11     Subject: Help with what to say to my brother about not helping move my father out of his home
So sorry op. My experience is that a brother who does something like that will do it again. He won't be there for you or your father. I'm so sorry. Best to just accept and move on. Easier said than done, I know. And if you bring it up, he'll find some way to blame you because he knows fully what he did and did it anyway. What a low life. And so is his wife. And her family if they knew what happened.
Anonymous
Post 10/29/2014 13:01     Subject: Help with what to say to my brother about not helping move my father out of his home
Why not just ask your brother and his wife to host Thanksgiving? My SIL insists on having Thanksgiving at her house, and I hate it.
Anonymous
Post 10/29/2014 12:59     Subject: Help with what to say to my brother about not helping move my father out of his home
Anonymous wrote:Wife > sister
Anonymous
Post 10/29/2014 12:59     Subject: Re:Help with what to say to my brother about not helping move my father out of his home
"Doug, I am really upset that you didn't come help move Dad, especially after you committed to. You've moved a lot so you know how much work it is. We all changed plans to be there and when you backed out on the last minute, it left Bob and Joe to do all the work. This has also been really hard on dad emotionally and I could have used your support with some decision making. One more thing - we spent a lot of money to complete this move which we can either split 3 ways or take from dad's account. What are your thoughts?"


I agree with you that this wording is much better and more likely to solicit an apology and contribution from the brother.
Anonymous
Post 10/29/2014 12:56     Subject: Re:Help with what to say to my brother about not helping move my father out of his home
I host every holiday at my home


OP, are you sure your brother wants to be at your house
*every year*every holiday*. Maybe he's being nice
about that ...
OP, any chance you're just a wee bit bossy or demand attention?
Anonymous
Post 10/29/2014 12:51     Subject: Help with what to say to my brother about not helping move my father out of his home
Uncles birthday<dad needing help. Not wedding.
Anonymous
Post 10/29/2014 12:39     Subject: Help with what to say to my brother about not helping move my father out of his home
Don't blow up at your brother at all. He was out of town working, and when he got back his wife wanted him at her uncle's wedding. Remember that his first loyalty is to her, now, not to you, and not even to your father, who had other children to help him.

You can split the expenses, but if you alienate him now, how likely is he to be to help in the future?
Anonymous
Post 10/29/2014 12:37     Subject: Help with what to say to my brother about not helping move my father out of his home
Anonymous wrote:OP, you should think about this as a marathon, not a sprint. You and the youngest brother pulled through this time around, and the time and money commitment were hefty. (Does your father have no money, and that's why you had to pay for the move yourselves?) But post-stroke there are (or at least there should be) therapies and lots of doctor's appointments, and elderly people don't always recover fully to become independent again. Maybe your middle brother already knows this is a long road, and sees himself as "up next".

The most productive conversation you could have with your middle brother is one about what the future holds. Who will be your father's primary caregiver while he's at your house, and how great are his needs? Even if you're getting in home health care, management of the caregivers is a big job. You're going to need relief on a regular basis. Is there also a house to sell? Finances to figure out?

Think about what you need to ask of your brothers. You don't need to single out the middle brother, but maybe it's fair for him to take on the next task.


Agree with this PP. The brother who suddenly became unavailable to help with the move and thus left you in a lurch will certainly have other opportunities to help (and also bail). Lower your expectations, really. Don't burn your bridges - this could likely (in some strange, repressed way) be exactly what this brother wants or expects you to do and thus he'll be absolved from all future responsibilities pertaining to your dad. "See, she screamed at me and told me that she was beyond angry at me for not being able to help with Dad. That's it. If she's not going to understand my family obligations and work commitments, then I am not helping her." (And this brother will then make this "fight" all about you two and excuse himself. You'll not see him and he could abandon his duties)

Family crisises bring up a whole unholy mess of family dynamics, roles, birth order characteristics. It all can bubble over and cause a rift.

Air your grievances with your brother, but do so calmly. Approach him without judgement (so hard) and be pragmatic. Acknowledge that he's busy and has commitments and couch it all in since you missed this hectic week, now that dad's here, maybe you could ... And spell out options (make some calls about..., go with him to the next appointment, email the following relatives, come visit dad Tuesday, ...). Lower your expectations further.

Been through this with my grandparents and caring for them, now going through this with my own elderly parents and siblings. There's always going to be one sibling who assumes most of the burdens, maybe the same one who develops a martyr complex, another might be perceived so the slacker who does absolutely nothing. Perfect recipe for disaster. Learned this gem, too - each sibling will bring unique perspective/baggage to the situation. Don't expect unanimity.
Anonymous
Post 10/29/2014 12:28     Subject: Help with what to say to my brother about not helping move my father out of his home
OP, sending thoughts of support your way. I have siblings like this too. I would definitely have a discussion with your absent brother and make him contribute financially.

Please look into the services your dad is eligible for such as food stamps, healthcare and home health aide/therapy (if the stroke left him unable to fully care for himself), etc... These are offered by county and state agencies.

Good luck and hang in there!
Anonymous
Post 10/29/2014 12:23     Subject: Help with what to say to my brother about not helping move my father out of his home
OP, no advice. Just empathy. I could have written this post. The only thing I will say is that your one brother just can't be counted on, and for your emotional health, it's best to accept that now.

FWIW I doubt my loser brother will even come to my thanksgiving. Maybe you will be that lucky.
Anonymous
Post 10/29/2014 12:16     Subject: Re:Help with what to say to my brother about not helping move my father out of his home


OP - I might hold my venting because the more important thing to consider is getting your brothers and their spouses perhaps, too, to the same table without Dad being present to put on the table clearly his current financial position, his present health care needs and for all to try and figure out a plan for the future. While he is in your home now, who will be able to provide direct care for him as needed, which may well come on very suddenly? If needs to go to the doctors, how can this be a shared responsibility perhaps among your brothers since you have Dad living in your home.

Has anyone looked into what local services he might qualify for since he has no resources:

- Has he applied for Medicaid Health insurance due to limited resources which can become the equivalent of his Medicare supplement?

- Have you looked up the services available to Dad under the Elderly and Disabled Consumer Directed Waiver in the state in which you live? Once he can get eligibility for Medicaid established, there should be no waiting list and he may well qualify for several hours of in-home care a week, and you and your husband for so many hours of respite care per year (though it may take some work to find a caregiver at the rate of reimbursement.)

- Also, you might consider seeing once Medicaid is in place, if can be done, what assisted living or long term care options might be out there for Dad as his needs increase.

You might save your venting to get your brother on board with future care planning.

Anonymous
Post 10/29/2014 11:40     Subject: Help with what to say to my brother about not helping move my father out of his home
Seriously? Uncle in law? That is super weak.

Agree that yo should send the email and let your brother know he f-ed up.
Anonymous
Post 10/29/2014 08:39     Subject: Help with what to say to my brother about not helping move my father out of his home
I think you should say something. Stay cool, don't get emotional, just be very matter of fact. An email is probably best. And let him know he WILL be expected to help in the future.

Your brother should be ashamed of himself!
Anonymous
Post 10/29/2014 08:07     Subject: Help with what to say to my brother about not helping move my father out of his home
I'm sorry I wasn't clear in my initial post. We all live local, and its my husband and I who help my dad. He had to be out quickly because they were foreclosing on his property and we had 5 days to remove Jim and his belongings. Because of his mini strokes and then huge one, he has been unable to work for almost a year. He has no money. My brother should have been there. And although me saying hey I'm pissed isn't gonna turn back the clocks to make him help, it will.make me feel a whole lot better. I host every holiday at my home and the thought of sitting across from him at thanksgiving with this much anger inside makes me nauseous.
Anonymous
Post 10/29/2014 07:33     Subject: Help with what to say to my brother about not helping move my father out of his home
Anonymous wrote:Things happen. Take your expenses out of the "estate" including pay for your labor hours. Expenses should be coming from your father.


That is a really good point that your dad should be paying for these kinds of things out of his savings of there are any.