I'm there with you, OP. In my case it was my dad who died of cancer a few days after I learned I was expecting DD. My mom was a zombie the first year or so, and then met and married someone who I've come to know as a truly good man, but... yeah. He's nothing like my dad at all and as much as I try to be rational about it, I hate that it's him and not my dad that DD knows as Grandpa.

I do tell her about my dad though, and she's eerily similar to him, like his total little girl clone. It's so interesting to watch her grow up and just do and say so many things like him (and she looks just like him too). But it's her other grandpa who does all the grandpa things like teach her to ride horses, row boats, puts together toys, pulls her in the wagon, etc.

It's a truly bittersweet experience sometimes. Hugs to you, your children sound like they have a beautiful legacy.

So sorry to hear that you're having a hard time with this OP, but please try to focus on the fact that there is a 'grandmother-like' person available your kids...I would love to have someone to fill that role for my children (ages 5,6 and 8). From my perspective you are soooo blessed.

We seem to have more than our fair share of grandparents...all of them local, but not of them available. My husband's dad is was an awful father and would probably be an even worse grandfather, but we'll never know because my husband wants nothing to do with him. His mother is ok, but aside from holidays she is totally uninterested in our kids or being a hands-on grandma for them. My mother is mentally unstable much of the time as her polarity teeters between extremely manic and comatose. Having her around my kids would not be healthy for them so visits are very few and far between (and only for brief, supervised spells). As a result, my kids really don't know her as a grandmother and due to her mental health this will probably always be the case.

My dad is mentally stable, but has been struggling with serious health issues for the last several years and is just not physically able to be an active (or even inactive) grandpa. He is married however and I thought me and my stepmom had a good relationship, but she has been deliberately absent as a grandparent for my kids since I delivered them. She never calls to talk to them and on occasions when they have accidentally called her from my cell phone she responded with irritation and annoyance. She has been to 2-3 birthday parties total, she never asks to see them and the last time I told my dad I was stopping by to visit she ignored the doorbell and didnt let us in (my dad had gone out with a friend, but stepmom's car was parked outside the house so I knew she was home and she knew I was coming over). She has told me at least twice that she doesn't really like "little kids" and she does better with older, more independent children At this point, I barely speak to her, so if I had someone who was enthused and willing to step in to grandparent my tykes I'd be over the moon.

Anonymous wrote:OP, et al, learn to be grateful for what you have a n d stop whining. My mother died when I was 4 yrs old and my stepmother was straight out of SnowWhite.

I really hate people like you. When someone shares a life situation that causes them grief and sadness it is not your place to "one up them." If you can't listen and be supportive then just remove yourself from the thread. Your life situation may be worst but start your own thread.

OP, et al, learn to be grateful for what you have a n d stop whining. My mother died when I was 4 yrs old and my stepmother was straight out of SnowWhite.

Anonymous wrote:Not quite the same situation but you all are making me miss my dad who died a month after my daughter was born. He would have really liked my kid. They had a lot in common. My mom didn't remarry which was fine with me since I'm not sure she would have made a good choice.

Also of the four grandparents, he was the least messed up. He was neurotic in a way that made him less available emotionally but the other three were neurotic in a way that made them interfere and difficult to be around. It was hard to deal with the fact that he went first at such a young age (63).

So sorry. It's awful how the sanest (relatively speaking) are often the first to go.

Not quite the same situation but you all are making me miss my dad who died a month after my daughter was born. He would have really liked my kid. They had a lot in common. My mom didn't remarry which was fine with me since I'm not sure she would have made a good choice.

Also of the four grandparents, he was the least messed up. He was neurotic in a way that made him less available emotionally but the other three were neurotic in a way that made them interfere and difficult to be around. It was hard to deal with the fact that he went first at such a young age (63).

Hi again OP -- 22:07 back.

It does really help to tell stories about your mom. My kids are the same age, and my 3 year old just knows "Nana" as his grandma, but my 5 year old really distinguishes between the two. We make recipes my mom used to make together, do crafts I remember doing with her, read books, etc. and I always make sure to mention that "Grammy" would do all those things with me. I also say things like "Oh, Grammy would love so much to hear you singing that song! She loved Christmas music!". It's heartening to hear my older child talking about her and asking about her - and it's heartening to hear from all the PPs who were the grandchildren in this situation!

I think the "jealousy" (for lack of a better word) feelings get easier as the kids get older and are able to distinguish between relationships. I'm better able to appreciate my wonderful step-mother for all she gives to my children, and how she makes my dad happy though I still miss my own mother terribly. Maintaining relationships with my mom's old friends and family, even just via Facebook, also helps. So does venting with my siblings about the things my step-mother does that are so far from what my mom would have done (like not having a decent mixer in her house to make cookies, when my mom was an awesome baker!). We all understand that these things are truly inconsequential, and we are so lucky to have 'Nana', but sometimes when you miss your mom you need to be able to whine about it a little. Hope you have someone like that in your life who understands, and if not, at least you have the rest of us on DCUM who do!