Anonymous
10/19/2014 16:27
Subject: Re:Starting IL relationship right?
Anonymous wrote:ILs: "Are you using formula yet?"
You: "No."
ILs: "You burp her so hard!"
You: "Mmmmm."
You: "Time to breastfeed/change diaper/have some quiet time. Thanks for occupying her. I will take her back now." (As you say this, you lean over and take the baby back)
Do not ask your ILs. Tell them. My MIL wanted to have my 3 month old spend the weekend at her house. Here is how that conversation went.
MIL: I can't wait to have her spend the weekend with me. Maybe in a few weeks?
Me: Like when she is 3 months old?
MIL: Yes!
Me: No.
MIL: Why not? I will take really good care of her.
Me: Because I said no and I am her mother so I am in charge.
As for the boiling a binky every time it hits the ground. Well. You will be the one to grow out of that. Unless they are dropping it in the middle of a subway car, a rinse should do just fine. If there is anything to give in on, that would be it.
In terms of them exhorting you to take care of your own child, I would just laugh that off. My sister had a baby a few years ago. I think she does everything wrong. She and I have done nothing alike in terms of raising our children. Both kids are fine.
I appreciate the language examples and your own experience--thank you!
(Also, I wrote that poorly.. They wanted to boil the pacifier and we just rinsed it!)
Anonymous
10/19/2014 15:41
Subject: Starting IL relationship right?
Anonymous wrote:They sound awful. Please send them to me. My In laws are not interested at all in any of their grandkids. No visits, no calls, no offering to spend time with them. So I will gladly take your in laws.
Oh btw, in laws live 40 minutes away and we only see them 3 times a year.
Can you take mine too? Please?
Anonymous
10/19/2014 15:37
Subject: Re:Starting IL relationship right?
15:30,
This is 15:24 posting. I have worked long and hard to get my contact with my MIL down to about 3 or 4 times per year. She also lives about 40 mins away. My husband is welcome to spend all the time he wants to with his mother. If he isn't picking up the phone to make plans with her, why should I? A friend of mine years ago was bothered by the hypocrisy of her in laws claims that they wanted a close family so she called them out on every hypocritical move. The upshot is that they now spend several weekends a month with people she can't stand. I told her long ago to accept the gift of their absence. She didn't and boy is she sorry. There are worse things than uninvolved in laws.
This is 15:24 posting. I have worked long and hard to get my contact with my MIL down to about 3 or 4 times per year. She also lives about 40 mins away. My husband is welcome to spend all the time he wants to with his mother. If he isn't picking up the phone to make plans with her, why should I? A friend of mine years ago was bothered by the hypocrisy of her in laws claims that they wanted a close family so she called them out on every hypocritical move. The upshot is that they now spend several weekends a month with people she can't stand. I told her long ago to accept the gift of their absence. She didn't and boy is she sorry. There are worse things than uninvolved in laws.
Anonymous
10/19/2014 15:30
Subject: Starting IL relationship right?
They sound awful. Please send them to me. My In laws are not interested at all in any of their grandkids. No visits, no calls, no offering to spend time with them. So I will gladly take your in laws.
Oh btw, in laws live 40 minutes away and we only see them 3 times a year.
Oh btw, in laws live 40 minutes away and we only see them 3 times a year.
Anonymous
10/19/2014 15:24
Subject: Re:Starting IL relationship right?
ILs: "Are you using formula yet?"
You: "No."
ILs: "You burp her so hard!"
You: "Mmmmm."
You: "Time to breastfeed/change diaper/have some quiet time. Thanks for occupying her. I will take her back now." (As you say this, you lean over and take the baby back)
Do not ask your ILs. Tell them. My MIL wanted to have my 3 month old spend the weekend at her house. Here is how that conversation went.
MIL: I can't wait to have her spend the weekend with me. Maybe in a few weeks?
Me: Like when she is 3 months old?
MIL: Yes!
Me: No.
MIL: Why not? I will take really good care of her.
Me: Because I said no and I am her mother so I am in charge.
As for the boiling a binky every time it hits the ground. Well. You will be the one to grow out of that. Unless they are dropping it in the middle of a subway car, a rinse should do just fine. If there is anything to give in on, that would be it.
In terms of them exhorting you to take care of your own child, I would just laugh that off. My sister had a baby a few years ago. I think she does everything wrong. She and I have done nothing alike in terms of raising our children. Both kids are fine.
You: "No."
ILs: "You burp her so hard!"
You: "Mmmmm."
You: "Time to breastfeed/change diaper/have some quiet time. Thanks for occupying her. I will take her back now." (As you say this, you lean over and take the baby back)
Do not ask your ILs. Tell them. My MIL wanted to have my 3 month old spend the weekend at her house. Here is how that conversation went.
MIL: I can't wait to have her spend the weekend with me. Maybe in a few weeks?
Me: Like when she is 3 months old?
MIL: Yes!
Me: No.
MIL: Why not? I will take really good care of her.
Me: Because I said no and I am her mother so I am in charge.
As for the boiling a binky every time it hits the ground. Well. You will be the one to grow out of that. Unless they are dropping it in the middle of a subway car, a rinse should do just fine. If there is anything to give in on, that would be it.
In terms of them exhorting you to take care of your own child, I would just laugh that off. My sister had a baby a few years ago. I think she does everything wrong. She and I have done nothing alike in terms of raising our children. Both kids are fine.
Anonymous
10/19/2014 14:53
Subject: Starting IL relationship right?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Your in laws are probably asking if you are still breastfeeding because they are waiting for an opportunity to give the baby a bottle. In laws, and partners, would love to have that special time feeding the baby, but can't participate if the baby is EBF. Stop imagining that they are judging your choice and try to find a way to make them feel included.
The baby is a month old. The baby is practically still an extension of its mother, breast-feeding or no. The baby needs mom for the vast majority of the time.
Anybody trying to rush the process with a newborn needs to grow up a little. It's not the OP's job to manage her IL's unreasonable feelings--and it's DH's job to manage their unreasonable behavior. The baby will get a bit older and start smiling at people, and hopefully the grandparents can learn to chill.
Agreed. If a newborn is exclusively fed at the breast everyone can cool their jets about wanting to feed the baby with a bottle. I have no problem with bottle feeding but grandparents harping on a new mom about when they get the chance to feed junior is BS.
Anonymous
10/19/2014 14:40
Subject: Starting IL relationship right?
Anonymous wrote:Your in laws are probably asking if you are still breastfeeding because they are waiting for an opportunity to give the baby a bottle. In laws, and partners, would love to have that special time feeding the baby, but can't participate if the baby is EBF. Stop imagining that they are judging your choice and try to find a way to make them feel included.
The baby is a month old. The baby is practically still an extension of its mother, breast-feeding or no. The baby needs mom for the vast majority of the time.
Anybody trying to rush the process with a newborn needs to grow up a little. It's not the OP's job to manage her IL's unreasonable feelings--and it's DH's job to manage their unreasonable behavior. The baby will get a bit older and start smiling at people, and hopefully the grandparents can learn to chill.
Anonymous
10/19/2014 13:38
Subject: Starting IL relationship right?
Your in laws are probably asking if you are still breastfeeding because they are waiting for an opportunity to give the baby a bottle. In laws, and partners, would love to have that special time feeding the baby, but can't participate if the baby is EBF. Stop imagining that they are judging your choice and try to find a way to make them feel included.
Anonymous
10/19/2014 12:15
Subject: Starting IL relationship right?
OP, I spent the first several months of my child's life basically spring-loaded to stand up for myself. But I was really good at keeping things in check. When my FIL stayed the night with us when ds was about a month old, we got into an argument because he wanted the baby to sleep in a bassinet in HIS room, so I could get some sleep. I didn't want that to happen, for various reasons. It was shocking to me that he thought he could strong-arm me into allowing him to get his way. Since then (two+ years ago) he's made various comments that I shut down immediately. He rolls his eyes, and might try to repeat his point again, but nothing like the back-and-forth of that one night.
Since then, I have to try very very hard to keep my mouth shut about the minor things. But that first incident really helped bolster my confidence -- made me realize I never have to worry about hurt feelings because when it comes to MY baby, we go by DH's and my rules. OP, you'll figure out the fine line between letting things go and not letting things go. Good luck.
Since then, I have to try very very hard to keep my mouth shut about the minor things. But that first incident really helped bolster my confidence -- made me realize I never have to worry about hurt feelings because when it comes to MY baby, we go by DH's and my rules. OP, you'll figure out the fine line between letting things go and not letting things go. Good luck.
Anonymous
10/18/2014 22:39
Subject: Re:Starting IL relationship right?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
Wasn't your baby a girl in the original post?
Heh, yeah. Tried to anonymize on the details a little bit just in case. Now we're even more mysterious!
Anonymous
10/18/2014 22:30
Subject: Re:Starting IL relationship right?
Anonymous wrote:OP here--thank you so much for all the feedback. I want to start good boundaries and habits now so I don't have more stories for this board! I think I needed a reality check, since I wasn't sure if this was normal, red flags, or if I was being overly sensitive. It's nice to know it's probably a bit of all of the above!
Now that I think about it, it's probably true that we're all going through a transition of our roles and it will take some time to figure those out. It's also true that they care about him a ton, which means this all comes from a good place. I also need to be able to set boundaries. In this last visit, most things seemed way too minor to get into a battle about, but I know I need to be willing to. In our relationship, DH is way more laid back than I am, which is often a good counterbalance for me--but obviously not always!
With the not giving him back thing, although it didn't seem like a big deal, it was surprising at the time and more disturbing when I looked back on it. MIL had been holding him for a while and he was asleep, but we wanted to see if he would wake up and eat (it was past his normal time). She just wanted to keep holding him and let him sleep. Again, it started off jokingly (I thought) but then she really tried to keep him by walking away! I'm glad DH stepped in then.
I'm also glad to see other people share my instincts about day care. I know that'll be a much bigger conversation, but at least I don't feel crazy for my hunches. And they'll definitely be involved in his/our lives and will probably babysit.. I like the idea of starting small there!
Basically, thank you for letting me know I'm not alone and this doesn't have to be so bad!
Wasn't your baby a girl in the original post?
Anonymous
10/18/2014 22:23
Subject: Re:Starting IL relationship right?
OP here--thank you so much for all the feedback. I want to start good boundaries and habits now so I don't have more stories for this board! I think I needed a reality check, since I wasn't sure if this was normal, red flags, or if I was being overly sensitive. It's nice to know it's probably a bit of all of the above!
Now that I think about it, it's probably true that we're all going through a transition of our roles and it will take some time to figure those out. It's also true that they care about him a ton, which means this all comes from a good place. I also need to be able to set boundaries. In this last visit, most things seemed way too minor to get into a battle about, but I know I need to be willing to. In our relationship, DH is way more laid back than I am, which is often a good counterbalance for me--but obviously not always!
With the not giving him back thing, although it didn't seem like a big deal, it was surprising at the time and more disturbing when I looked back on it. MIL had been holding him for a while and he was asleep, but we wanted to see if he would wake up and eat (it was past his normal time). She just wanted to keep holding him and let him sleep. Again, it started off jokingly (I thought) but then she really tried to keep him by walking away! I'm glad DH stepped in then.
I'm also glad to see other people share my instincts about day care. I know that'll be a much bigger conversation, but at least I don't feel crazy for my hunches. And they'll definitely be involved in his/our lives and will probably babysit.. I like the idea of starting small there!
Basically, thank you for letting me know I'm not alone and this doesn't have to be so bad!
Now that I think about it, it's probably true that we're all going through a transition of our roles and it will take some time to figure those out. It's also true that they care about him a ton, which means this all comes from a good place. I also need to be able to set boundaries. In this last visit, most things seemed way too minor to get into a battle about, but I know I need to be willing to. In our relationship, DH is way more laid back than I am, which is often a good counterbalance for me--but obviously not always!
With the not giving him back thing, although it didn't seem like a big deal, it was surprising at the time and more disturbing when I looked back on it. MIL had been holding him for a while and he was asleep, but we wanted to see if he would wake up and eat (it was past his normal time). She just wanted to keep holding him and let him sleep. Again, it started off jokingly (I thought) but then she really tried to keep him by walking away! I'm glad DH stepped in then.
I'm also glad to see other people share my instincts about day care. I know that'll be a much bigger conversation, but at least I don't feel crazy for my hunches. And they'll definitely be involved in his/our lives and will probably babysit.. I like the idea of starting small there!
Basically, thank you for letting me know I'm not alone and this doesn't have to be so bad!
Anonymous
10/18/2014 21:42
Subject: Starting IL relationship right?
OP, what were the circumstances surrounding their refusal to give your baby back? I'm so disturbed by that part.
Anonymous
10/18/2014 21:30
Subject: Starting IL relationship right?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Get your husband to stop their comments. They're bugging you and making you uncomfortable. He's fine ignoring them, but you're not. He needs to shut them down immediately, as in "Mom, if you ask about formula again, we'll ask you to leave."
Or maybe just shoot them!
Everyone's adjusting. Keep your boundaries, be firm but kind, and make it clear you're in charge. It will help not just them, but you also, to stand firm in the role of parent while with them.
There are nightmare inlaws out there, but most of the time folks adjust to their new roles.
+1
I think allowing them to babysit occasionally is fine. But NO WAY, don't let them do regular daycare. That would be an absolute nightmare if you're not on the same page.
My mom has a particularly annoying question she asked every time I saw her. I made my opinion very clear, but she still hounded me ("is he STILL using that pacifier?"). Finally I told her "I don't want you to ask me that any more. I'll let you know when he stops using the pacifier." And she hasn't asked me since. Amazing how being very direct works wonders!
I would answer all their questions directly and firmly. You can let some things go, but if they continue to ask about formula, just tell them "I'm fine without formula. We'll switch to formula when we need to. No need to do it if we don't need to." (Are they worried they can't babysit unless you're using formula?). If they continue to ask, just tell them you'll let them know when you switch, and tell them to stop asking. Seriously. I'm very very laid back about meddling grandparents. I'm pretty understanding of differing parenting styles. But sometimes you just have to tell people to shut it.
And that email? Oh lord. I'd have to think on that one, but either I'd have DH ask them what's up with that. Or I'd do like the above, give a sarcastic "thanks for reminding me to take care of my baby! I'd nearly forgotten!"
Anonymous
10/18/2014 21:25
Subject: Starting IL relationship right?
Most of this is annoying, some of it is terrible. I would have freaked out (later- at the time I would probably have been too surprised) if they had refused to hand my child back to me. Esp. if it was b/c child was hungry or time to BF. I'd listen to your instincts on the daycare thing. Hang in there.