Anonymous wrote:OP....I'm sorry to say, he completely sounds like a narcissist. I'm sure you can draw this whole marriage charade out a tinly bit longer, but the writing is on the wall. Better get planning. If he is a narcissist, then there's no hope for help. These people are black holes of human misery...ruining everything they touch.

I feel horribly sorry for your boys. I hope there is some other male in their life that can show them how to grow up and be a man.

And for Gods sake...why in the hell is anyone a SAHM??? I watched my mom go through the exact same thing with 3 kids. It was awful. She had no earining potential and was really fucked as the primary care giver.

Anonymous wrote:I'm soooo sorry this is happening to you. This happened to me to. But my husband stayed. Then left in a storm for a month. Then came back. Fast forward three years and we are separated and I have the three young kids, a job, and while I'm sad that he couldn't man up and deal with real life, I'm much happier. And the kids are much happier. Our relationship went from all you described, to a high-conflict war zone, mostly because I refused to give up and desperately tried to hold our family together. Now that I've given his problems back to him, and let him go, it's hard, but better. And he is unemployed, couch surfing, and sees the kids, but has lost so much. He still feels like he will find his magic perfect life out there. Good luck, and I would advise getting your affairs in order. You can do it.

Anonymous wrote:OP, respectfully, even before the last outrageous story, it was clear you are avoiding the obvious. Your marriage is over. I'd give up fighting, just let your DH act out until you are prepared to pull the plug and use this time to plan your divorce, i.e. counselor, find job, see lawyer, etc.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm soooo sorry this is happening to you. This happened to me to. But my husband stayed. Then left in a storm for a month. Then came back. Fast forward three years and we are separated and I have the three young kids, a job, and while I'm sad that he couldn't man up and deal with real life, I'm much happier. And the kids are much happier. Our relationship went from all you described, to a high-conflict war zone, mostly because I refused to give up and desperately tried to hold our family together. Now that I've given his problems back to him, and let him go, it's hard, but better. And he is unemployed, couch surfing, and sees the kids, but has lost so much. He still feels like he will find his magic perfect life out there. Good luck, and I would advise getting your affairs in order. You can do it.

Ok I needed to hear this, thank you. This is me, exactly. DH has actually left several times and came back in the last year. Typing this out makes me seem pathetic. Why do I keep trying to get him to come back? A major part of the story I left out is this:

He cheated on me a year ago with a foreign woman he met online who I believe just wanted a green card. She said she loved him and moved her and her 5 year old kid to the US before even meeting him, based on promises he made her in emails. He then left me for her and moved in with her in a huge home that he couldn't pay for (she paid for everything). Their plan was to try and take the three kids away from me and live as a big happy blended family (yeah right). He met her for the first time and was living with her and tied to a legal rental contract with her within 1 month (she has no credit score in the US so it all had to go in his name). Then he came back two months later and said the whole thing was too much work. He also didn't like her kid. But now he is still trying to leave so I guess he didn't learn anything from that.

This even caused a much bigger rift in our marriage and so it hasn't gotten much better since reconciling.

Anonymous wrote:I'm soooo sorry this is happening to you. This happened to me to. But my husband stayed. Then left in a storm for a month. Then came back. Fast forward three years and we are separated and I have the three young kids, a job, and while I'm sad that he couldn't man up and deal with real life, I'm much happier. And the kids are much happier. Our relationship went from all you described, to a high-conflict war zone, mostly because I refused to give up and desperately tried to hold our family together. Now that I've given his problems back to him, and let him go, it's hard, but better. And he is unemployed, couch surfing, and sees the kids, but has lost so much. He still feels like he will find his magic perfect life out there. Good luck, and I would advise getting your affairs in order. You can do it.

Anonymous wrote:My 40 year old husband wants to leave our 10 year marriage and our family (three children under 10) because he believes there is a "great love" or "soul-mate" out there just waiting to be found by him. I am his second wife. He says his first marriage was a mistake. Now I am a mistake. We have had a lot of problems, mostly because of me, he claims. He is not perfect and won't accept that he might have contributed to the breakdown of our marriage. We have been to counseling and our counselor even believes that we are both to blame. She also doesn't believe in the concept of a soul-mate, but that you make a life and great love with the person you have chosen to marry (why else would you have married them?). Anything that the counselor says that he doesn't agree with, he won't accept.

He believes that finding some great love is the only way you can be happy. If he were to leave, he thinks his life will get easier. He thinks I will care for our three kids most of the time while he has time to find happiness. He even suggested he go live overseas where he has always wanted to travel. He would just send money home. We have three BOYS. Boys need their father around. He is a good father most of the time and loves them but I think he would have no trouble detaching and it would break their hearts.

I guarantee he won't find his soul-mate. Because he has enough personal issues (not having anything to do with me) that even if he finds someone, it won't last. He lives in a fantasy world. He keeps saying "life is short" and is really depressed. He keeps going on and on about the career he wishes he had. He just turned 40 last week. When I tell him it sounds like a midlife crisis he says no. It is just an unhappy marriage.

There are so many other things in play here. We have not had the best marriage, there have been many rough times and many times I was not easy to live with. Neither was he. But the facts are that I want to keep the marriage intact. I am not willing to sacrifice my children's opportunity to grow up in a home with two parents who could get along and enjoy doing things together for the sake of finding someone "better" suited to me. I believe you find happiness within yourself. That you don't rely on someone else to be happy.

Should I let him go or keep fighting? I think if he could realize that this great love might not be waiting out there and it wouldn't be a simple, happy life even if he did, he would try harder to make this marriage work. Don't a lot of third marriages break up statistically? All of our friends and family at home who know us think he is making a HUGE HUGE mistake.

And please don't just say "leave him", because it is much more complicated than that. We have three young kids and I know I could make it work on my own but their quality of life would suffer and they would have to leave their home, school, friends, activities. I am a SAHM so I cannot afford the area we live in on the amount of child support he would be paying and any job I get would cancel out childcare for the kid who is not in school and before and after care for those who are. I moved around a lot as a kid and so did my husband and we both know what that can do to a child's well being and self esteem. I want to avoid that for my kids at all costs.

Anonymous wrote:You can't force him to stay and why would you want someone that truly isn't happy with you? Who cares who is to blame. Who cares if you have to work and your children will have to switch homes and schools? You seem more concerned with how your life will change, in the end. You listens no faults of your own in the marriage. Children need two HAPPY parents, not just two parents.

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry your husband is such a shit head!

Sometimes enlisting family help can make the situation better - especially his family. If he is a delusional idiot who has already burned through one marriage, his parents or siblings might see your point of view. He might listen to them because he grew up with them?