One of my DC's is class of '17. If they desire a single, and if it's available for freshman, I will gladly pay extra to provide privacy. Privacy can just mean quiet time to study without any distraction. Even when our house is quiet, DC likes to go to their room, shut the door, and study.

I have told DC that you can open your door and invite 10 people into your dorm room with a private. But when it's time to go, it's time to go and no argument with a roomie who wants people to stay. You don't have to go home but you've got to get out of here.

This is an assertiveness issue for your daughter. It's important to be able to speak up for herself. The issue is not important. It could be her roommate is messy, it could be her roommate stays up too late and is noisy, it could be her roommate eats her food. The fact that her roommate engages in lesbian PDA is a red herring. The point is to speak up without losing the relationship.

Your daughter says something like "You know I love Sarah too and hanging out with you guys is great. But can we set some serious study hours for just the two of us. It's just really distracting to try to study or read when the two of you are all over each other. And maybe you can save the heavy duty groping for lights out..."

And, frankly, if she's not trying to study or seriously read, and they are not groping each other, then she lets it go.

And this is why I became an insomniac in college. My roommate thought nothing of bringing the flavor of the night home and getting busy in the bed not 2 feet from my head.

If talking with the roommate doesn't work and the RA isn't a help, your DD can always go to the Dean of Residential Life and request a change of room assignment. Even at schools that have a housing shortage there are always a number of beds held back to deal with unforeseen circumstances. Sadly I didn't know that until my 2nd year when a separate roommate situation caused me to seek respite. (And looking back, I preferred? the rooomate getting busy to the 2nd situation.)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Boy or girl, the dorms have rules about overnight guests.

No they don't. Except for a handful of extremely conservative religious schools, parietal regulations are largely gone.

My brother is currently in undergrad at a relatively large state school which is neither religiously affiliated nor conservative. They have regulations about overnight guests. Among the rules (I don't know all of them): roommate(s) have to agree to the visit, limits on how long the guest can stay (# of consecutive nights, not sure what the number is), limits on number of guests a student may have at once, have to sign the guest in at the front desk and both guest and host must have ID. These rules are far from gone.

Regardless of the gender of the observer or the couple, some things should be private and there are some things nobody wants to see. Someone else's intimacy with their romantic partner is one of those things for a lot of people, and both roommates should have the ability to feel comfortable in their own room. If something isn't working, the roommates need to come to an understanding that works for both parties. OP's DD should first talk to the roommate and if that doesn't work ask the RA for help having a discussion with roommate to set limits both can live with.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Boy or girl, the dorms have rules about overnight guests.

No they don't. Except for a handful of extremely conservative religious schools, parietal regulations are largely gone.

I have 2 in college, one at a large public urban college and one at a medium sized private. Both have rules regarding overnight guests in dorms.

Anonymous wrote:Boy or girl, the dorms have rules about overnight guests.

No they don't. Except for a handful of extremely conservative religious schools, parietal regulations are largely gone.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
This is a topic that college roommates have been dealing with for a long time. She needs to talk to her roomie and they can figure out what will work for them (a sign on the door when the couple needs some "alone time", limits on visits or just letting each other know when they don't want to be interrupted (for any reason) The sex of the SO does not really matter. The next step would be the RA if they can't work it out themselves.


+1

+2. This is not a situation for you to deal with, OP. She's an adult and has to handle this like everyone who has ever had a roommate.

I haven't gotten the impression that OP was intervening or calling the school. It sounds like DD has reached out for advice for handling a delicate situation.

It's easy to say she's an adult but the fact is that most 18 year olds are being exposed to situations on unfamiliar turf, and lacking practical experience are unsure how to proceed. DD is fortunate that she has someone that she trust to discuss how to handle a delicate situation as hers. After talking with OP, she can go the RA to discuss viable solutions and/or just talk to her roommate.

The wisest of people seek counsel when treading on unfamiliar turf. It doesn't sound like DD went whining to mommy but sought out practical advice from a trusted source before proceeding.

Is it kissing? Cuddling? Hands all over each other? If it's something like kissing or sitting on each other's laps or something, it might be hard for your daughter to work on a compromise.

What happened to the sock on the doorknob?

Anonymous wrote:
This is a topic that college roommates have been dealing with for a long time. She needs to talk to her roomie and they can figure out what will work for them (a sign on the door when the couple needs some "alone time", limits on visits or just letting each other know when they don't want to be interrupted (for any reason) The sex of the SO does not really matter. The next step would be the RA if they can't work it out themselves.


+1

+2. This is not a situation for you to deal with, OP. She's an adult and has to handle this like everyone who has ever had a roommate.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a pretty standard roommate issue. OP's DD should speak directly to her roommate and maybe try to do so in a helpful way -- is there a way we can allow some time for you and your girlfriend's privacy but also protect my comfort? Maybe schedule certain times away? Her roomies orientation is not the issue. I think she should also speak to her RA. I'm willing to bet this very issue was front and center at RA orientation.

Could the roommate go to the girlfriend's room or at least split the time between the two?

When I was in college, we had a signal on the door if we were getting busy. And there were NO overnighters. That room was the sanctuary for us roommates. If you wanted an overnighter, you went to the boy's room. I don't care how young or old you are. There are just some sights and sounds that are meant to be private unless you're at the movies.

+1. Absolutely right!

Anonymous wrote:This is a pretty standard roommate issue. OP's DD should speak directly to her roommate and maybe try to do so in a helpful way -- is there a way we can allow some time for you and your girlfriend's privacy but also protect my comfort? Maybe schedule certain times away? Her roomies orientation is not the issue. I think she should also speak to her RA. I'm willing to bet this very issue was front and center at RA orientation.

Could the roommate go to the girlfriend's room or at least split the time between the two?

When I was in college, we had a signal on the door if we were getting busy. And there were NO overnighters. That room was the sanctuary for us roommates. If you wanted an overnighter, you went to the boy's room. I don't care how young or old you are. There are just some sights and sounds that are meant to be private unless you're at the movies.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Boy or girl, the dorms have rules about overnight guests.

?? I graduated from college 20 years ago and there were no restrictions on overnight guests....

?? Some things change ??

not usually that direction (MORE restrictive)

This is a pretty standard roommate issue. OP's DD should speak directly to her roommate and maybe try to do so in a helpful way -- is there a way we can allow some time for you and your girlfriend's privacy but also protect my comfort? Maybe schedule certain times away? Her roomies orientation is not the issue. I think she should also speak to her RA. I'm willing to bet this very issue was front and center at RA orientation.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Boy or girl, the dorms have rules about overnight guests.

?? I graduated from college 20 years ago and there were no restrictions on overnight guests....

?? Some things change ??