Dirtyolsailor wrote:

Cassiopeia wrote:Can those of you who have learned how to spot the bad guys post what the red flags are?

How does he treat you? How does he treat kids? How did his parents treat him? What does he do when little things go wrong? What does he have to say about the women in his family and former significant others? His thoughts on work? I think these things paint a likely portrait of a mans personality. There are always exceptions, so don't judge completely but trust your instincts from there. I also think its important to try to figure out who someone is, before you take a huge emotional plunge into them (although sometimes it's fun to jump blindly, it will usually end poorly).

For me the immediate red flags were:
Extremely dysfunctional family
Over the top displays of affection
Rudeness with my friends
Immature & irresponsible close friends
Insulting nicknames (babe, high maintenance girl)

After a few months:
He began changing his stories about himself (meaning he lied about who he was/ what he wanted)
Discovered lies about past relationships (cheated on ex's)
Inflexibility, silent treatment, controlling

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will openly admit that I am too nice. In the past I gave people chances that were not good people. I've had two long-term relationships of 5 years each. The first guy cheated on me for 2 of the 5 years. The second guy was abusive and eventually was arrested for assaulting me. I don't serially date, in between those relationships I was single for many years. I don't mind being alone. So after casually dating many men I found one that doesn't have the red flags from my past relationships.

His story is very similar to mine. We both wondered aloud why we have had such horrible past dating experiences.

Is there something about being a nice person that attracts troubled people? Have you had a similar experience then finally found another nice person?

Whether it is the business world or with dating, people equate being nice with being weak. Sad but true.

That's why you nicely stuff their teeth down their throats when they make that mistake. Unless you are telling yourself you're nice but you're really just afraid and weak.

Anonymous wrote:I will openly admit that I am too nice. In the past I gave people chances that were not good people. I've had two long-term relationships of 5 years each. The first guy cheated on me for 2 of the 5 years. The second guy was abusive and eventually was arrested for assaulting me. I don't serially date, in between those relationships I was single for many years. I don't mind being alone. So after casually dating many men I found one that doesn't have the red flags from my past relationships.

His story is very similar to mine. We both wondered aloud why we have had such horrible past dating experiences.

Is there something about being a nice person that attracts troubled people? Have you had a similar experience then finally found another nice person?

Whether it is the business world or with dating, people equate being nice with being weak. Sad but true.

Watch how they treat other guys who are weaker than they are. That will show you what you need to know.

Even when I was growing up, I did not like "bad boys". I am a very caring person, but I can not stand someone treating me badly and I would never give that person a second chance. As a result, I was sure that a romance was not in the cards for me, and what I needed to do was to concentrate on my career. When I first met my future DH, a real "nice" guy, I was still wary. I dated him for a long time before I agreed to marry him. Someone had said that when a man shows you what he really is, believe him. You owe your loyalty to yourself first.

Cassiopeia wrote:Can those of you who have learned how to spot the bad guys post what the red flags are?

Boundary issues. It's too much too soon and the eventually apparent need for control over another person. My mother is abusive, so it seemed normal and comfortable. You tend to trust what you know.

I'm 37 now and have found someone who is nice. We started seeing each other in January. I quickly realized this is what relationships are supposed to be like. We rarely say "I love you" to each other. We say "thank you for being you." The way we treat one another reflects that feeling. I don't tell him what to do. He doesn't tell me what to do. It's unusual for me, but it makes me happy.

I suspect our bro posters will show up to say nice guys aren't sexually desirable. They're nuts. The trust between us has a huge, positive effect on our physical relationship.

Can those of you who have learned how to spot the bad guys post what the red flags are?

Yeah, it's just good sense. Whatever behaviour you are inclined exhibit (including treating someone badly), you're going to look for someone who is going to put up with that behaviour, not someone who's going to raise hell and/or walk away from it.

That said, staying with a guy who is cheating or abusive after you've found out he is doesn't mean you're too 'nice.' It means you have your own issues, with being alone, or thinking you don't deserve better, or something. Smart and nice people can be duped, for sure - but what counts is what happens after you learn what's happening (in the case of cheating) or after it starts happening (in the case of abuse).

I hope you have met a nice guy, but if he turns out not to be, please don't take as long to extricate yourself as you did in the previous relationships.