Anonymous
Post 10/09/2014 10:33     Subject: I hate my sister in law
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Other than the smoking and the admittedly annoying unsolicited advice, I am still trying to figure out what is so bad about SIL. These are her worst traits? Am I missing something?


For an anecdote, my SIL stopped letting me spend time with her kids, because I wasn't interested in providing free childcare whenever she wanted anymore. As I get older, I've realized that there are some people who feel incomplete without problems in their life. They will create them, create drama, just to feel "normal." You can't change them. They have "rules" and "feelings" however irrational, but will justify or exaggerate them, because getting along or meeting someone in the middle is simply boring.


Wow. I feel like I wrote this one too! Different problem but same kinds of relatives.
Anonymous
Post 10/09/2014 10:19     Subject: Re:I hate my sister in law
RE: Trashy - remember that this is subjective; after all, she came from the same background as your husband, and he chose you... (perhaps I'm sensitive about this because my MIL had a big objection to me - thought I was trash. I really hate the term as a descriptor for people). The things you say about your husband's family, and vice versa, reflect on you. She may not be like you, she may not enjoy the same things, and she may have different values. None of that is something you can change. (For example, my MIL thought I was trash because - literally - I'm tall, cut my hair short, didn't wear make-up, and didn't wear designer clothes). It is fine to not like someone, and it is even fine to want to set boundaries with someone because of your dislike, but unless you can really show that her "trashiness" is more actual harm than your personal preference, you can't keep your husband from his sister.

And your child is his child too; he gets a say in who has a relationship with the child. If you are both on the same page, this will be so much easier. The two of you should talk about what kind of relationship he wants your child to have with his sister, and then HE can be in charge of that relationship. You can step back.

Re: Smoking - this, you can clearly and firmly put your foot down about. I don't allow smoking in my house, nor would I allow it on my porch. The backyard, I'd probably be more flexible, as long as the butts were picked up. And absolutely none around my child if I can help it (I can't control what strangers in public do). You can set the rules about second hand smoke.

Anonymous
Post 10/09/2014 10:08     Subject: I hate my sister in law
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Other than the smoking and the admittedly annoying unsolicited advice, I am still trying to figure out what is so bad about SIL. These are her worst traits? Am I missing something?


For an anecdote, my SIL stopped letting me spend time with her kids, because I wasn't interested in providing free childcare whenever she wanted anymore. As I get older, I've realized that there are some people who feel incomplete without problems in their life. They will create them, create drama, just to feel "normal." You can't change them. They have "rules" and "feelings" however irrational, but will justify or exaggerate them, because getting along or meeting someone in the middle is simply boring.

Bingo!
Anonymous
Post 10/09/2014 10:01     Subject: I hate my sister in law
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Other than the smoking and the admittedly annoying unsolicited advice, I am still trying to figure out what is so bad about SIL. These are her worst traits? Am I missing something?


For an anecdote, my SIL stopped letting me spend time with her kids, because I wasn't interested in providing free childcare whenever she wanted anymore. As I get older, I've realized that there are some people who feel incomplete without problems in their life. They will create them, create drama, just to feel "normal." You can't change them. They have "rules" and "feelings" however irrational, but will justify or exaggerate them, because getting along or meeting someone in the middle is simply boring.


Absolutely!!
Anonymous
Post 10/09/2014 09:55     Subject: I hate my sister in law
Anonymous wrote:Other than the smoking and the admittedly annoying unsolicited advice, I am still trying to figure out what is so bad about SIL. These are her worst traits? Am I missing something?


For an anecdote, my SIL stopped letting me spend time with her kids, because I wasn't interested in providing free childcare whenever she wanted anymore. As I get older, I've realized that there are some people who feel incomplete without problems in their life. They will create them, create drama, just to feel "normal." You can't change them. They have "rules" and "feelings" however irrational, but will justify or exaggerate them, because getting along or meeting someone in the middle is simply boring.
Anonymous
Post 10/09/2014 09:54     Subject: I hate my sister in law
OP you need to lower the expectations and pick your battles. Smoking needs to be outside only, and she should wear a coat/sweater so your DC won't get as much smoke.
Anonymous
Post 10/09/2014 09:45     Subject: Re:I hate my sister in law
Smoking in my house is prohibited. I allow those addicted to smoke outside but never inside and absolutely not around my infant/young children. Big NO Go here. It is absolutely one of the most disgusting, smelly habits/additions there is. Nothing worse then having a close conversation with a smoker. NO go in my home and if you don't like it don't come!
Anonymous
Post 10/09/2014 09:21     Subject: I hate my sister in law
Other than the smoking and the admittedly annoying unsolicited advice, I am still trying to figure out what is so bad about SIL. These are her worst traits? Am I missing something?
Anonymous
Post 10/09/2014 09:10     Subject: Re:I hate my sister in law
above poster "if she does not contact you then for heaven sakes don't try to bring her drama in" Let it go. It seems your DH is OK with that.
Anonymous
Post 10/09/2014 09:09     Subject: I hate my sister in law
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Ok, so here's my advice:

Stop expecting ANYTHING from her. This way, you'll NEVER get let down.

Stop reaching out to her.

When she is around your daughter, you make the rules. PERIOD.

Invest your time and efforts into those people that actually matter. She doesn't.

Please remember that you cannot change her. But you can change how you THINK about her and how you let your dislike for her effect you.

This is all coming from 6 years of not-so-great interactions with my MIL and SIL. I feel much better now that I have emotionally separated myself from them. I'm polite and respectful and that's where it begins and ends. This "new" attitude has rescued me from feeling the way you do now.

And, FWIW, this might sound silly, but I prayed about it too. I often found myself HATING them both and it was very taxing. I believe the prayers helped as well.


Wow, I had to double-check if I actually wrote this myself. Agree with everything this PP said.



OP read this post again and again and again.... it is difficult dealing with let down expectations. Stop expecting her to be different. She is what she is and seems very likely she will not change and you can not change her. Unfortunately when we marry often times not so welcome inlaws come with our dear spouses. If she has not contact stop contacting her. If she starts to come around set down the rules in you home! period!
Anonymous
Post 10/09/2014 07:28     Subject: I hate my sister in law
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I really feel for you. I feel this way about my adult stepdaughter. Half the time I'm furious that she hasn't bothered to try to have a relationship with her baby brother. And then when she claims she wants to spend time with him, I have to bottle up this feeling of rage and frustration because the truth is that I don't want her to have any kind of influence on him, from her smoking now and hurting his little lungs to infecting him with her entitlement, racism, and bad attitude when he is older.

I too, pray about it. And occasionally confess here what I can't say in real life.


Great point, PP. Its almost as if you are tormenting yourself... going back and forth between the two extreme opposite ends of feeling towards someone. It can be tough, OP, but it'll get better. You just have to make the decision to focus on what really matters.


Slacker in laws are the worst. Its so hurtful because it would be so wonderful if she were, actually, a fun SIL and super-auntie, right? Well, since this is most likely not ever going to happen, you should save yourself the energy and shift it to something else.

Good luck, OP!


What? other people don't exist simply to fulfill your vision of a wonderful life. Just because an inlaw doesn't want to be actively engaged with you or your children doesn't make him/her a slacker. Perhaps it means they have their own interests, their own lives, and they don't have the same vision of what happiness is. Maybe being a "super auntie" isn't their idea of a fun/happy life.

I think people need to understand that when they have children, it is a choice that they are making. Don't suddenly expect everyone else in the world to drop their own interests, likes/dislikes, et cetera, to fulfill your idea of the perfect family. If they aren't interested, then the aren't interested. I agree with the let-it-go PP.

As for the smoking thing, just say you don't want her hold the baby after she smokes. If she isn't coming around a lot, it shouldn't be a huge deal. You mention that she is "trashy" and it sounds like you are judgmental. Maybe she's not Ms. Brady and doesn't want to be. Again, if she doesn't come around a lot, what's the problem? You obviously don't like her.

So what, your husband might take the baby to see her while meeting for brunch. Is that really a big deal? I can't imagine she's going to hold the baby much while eating brunch. It sounds like a very limited outing. Do you really pushback with your husband on what seems a pretty easy ask? It sounds like he's not even asking you to be there. And again, it doesn't sound like the sort of context where this "trashy" person can spend much time holding or interacting with your daughter.

OP, I think, given the details you provided, that you are being unreasonable.

To PP, I think it's sort of ridiculous to call someone a "slacker" because they don't want to be a "super auntie" to a child you decided to have.


I agree with this. I abhor smoking, but OP, I agree with others that you probably have other irrational reasons for "hating" your SIL, and aren't telling the whole story. They also called you out on your inconsistency - complaining both that your SIL doesn't see your child more often, yet complaining that you don't want them to see or spend time with their aunt.
Anonymous
Post 10/09/2014 07:24     Subject: I hate my sister in law
Bump
Anonymous
Post 10/09/2014 07:14     Subject: I hate my sister in law
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I really feel for you. I feel this way about my adult stepdaughter. Half the time I'm furious that she hasn't bothered to try to have a relationship with her baby brother. And then when she claims she wants to spend time with him, I have to bottle up this feeling of rage and frustration because the truth is that I don't want her to have any kind of influence on him, from her smoking now and hurting his little lungs to infecting him with her entitlement, racism, and bad attitude when he is older.

I too, pray about it. And occasionally confess here what I can't say in real life.


Great point, PP. Its almost as if you are tormenting yourself... going back and forth between the two extreme opposite ends of feeling towards someone. It can be tough, OP, but it'll get better. You just have to make the decision to focus on what really matters.


Slacker in laws are the worst. Its so hurtful because it would be so wonderful if she were, actually, a fun SIL and super-auntie, right? Well, since this is most likely not ever going to happen, you should save yourself the energy and shift it to something else.

Good luck, OP!


What? other people don't exist simply to fulfill your vision of a wonderful life. Just because an inlaw doesn't want to be actively engaged with you or your children doesn't make him/her a slacker. Perhaps it means they have their own interests, their own lives, and they don't have the same vision of what happiness is. Maybe being a "super auntie" isn't their idea of a fun/happy life.

I think people need to understand that when they have children, it is a choice that they are making. Don't suddenly expect everyone else in the world to drop their own interests, likes/dislikes, et cetera, to fulfill your idea of the perfect family. If they aren't interested, then the aren't interested. I agree with the let-it-go PP.

As for the smoking thing, just say you don't want her hold the baby after she smokes. If she isn't coming around a lot, it shouldn't be a huge deal. You mention that she is "trashy" and it sounds like you are judgmental. Maybe she's not Ms. Brady and doesn't want to be. Again, if she doesn't come around a lot, what's the problem? You obviously don't like her.

So what, your husband might take the baby to see her while meeting for brunch. Is that really a big deal? I can't imagine she's going to hold the baby much while eating brunch. It sounds like a very limited outing. Do you really pushback with your husband on what seems a pretty easy ask? It sounds like he's not even asking you to be there. And again, it doesn't sound like the sort of context where this "trashy" person can spend much time holding or interacting with your daughter.

OP, I think, given the details you provided, that you are being unreasonable.

To PP, I think it's sort of ridiculous to call someone a "slacker" because they don't want to be a "super auntie" to a child you decided to have.

Boom!
Anonymous
Post 10/08/2014 22:33     Subject: I hate my sister in law
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I really feel for you. I feel this way about my adult stepdaughter. Half the time I'm furious that she hasn't bothered to try to have a relationship with her baby brother. And then when she claims she wants to spend time with him, I have to bottle up this feeling of rage and frustration because the truth is that I don't want her to have any kind of influence on him, from her smoking now and hurting his little lungs to infecting him with her entitlement, racism, and bad attitude when he is older.

I too, pray about it. And occasionally confess here what I can't say in real life.


Great point, PP. Its almost as if you are tormenting yourself... going back and forth between the two extreme opposite ends of feeling towards someone. It can be tough, OP, but it'll get better. You just have to make the decision to focus on what really matters.


Slacker in laws are the worst. Its so hurtful because it would be so wonderful if she were, actually, a fun SIL and super-auntie, right? Well, since this is most likely not ever going to happen, you should save yourself the energy and shift it to something else.

Good luck, OP!


What? other people don't exist simply to fulfill your vision of a wonderful life. Just because an inlaw doesn't want to be actively engaged with you or your children doesn't make him/her a slacker. Perhaps it means they have their own interests, their own lives, and they don't have the same vision of what happiness is. Maybe being a "super auntie" isn't their idea of a fun/happy life.

I think people need to understand that when they have children, it is a choice that they are making. Don't suddenly expect everyone else in the world to drop their own interests, likes/dislikes, et cetera, to fulfill your idea of the perfect family. If they aren't interested, then the aren't interested. I agree with the let-it-go PP.

As for the smoking thing, just say you don't want her hold the baby after she smokes. If she isn't coming around a lot, it shouldn't be a huge deal. You mention that she is "trashy" and it sounds like you are judgmental. Maybe she's not Ms. Brady and doesn't want to be. Again, if she doesn't come around a lot, what's the problem? You obviously don't like her.

So what, your husband might take the baby to see her while meeting for brunch. Is that really a big deal? I can't imagine she's going to hold the baby much while eating brunch. It sounds like a very limited outing. Do you really pushback with your husband on what seems a pretty easy ask? It sounds like he's not even asking you to be there. And again, it doesn't sound like the sort of context where this "trashy" person can spend much time holding or interacting with your daughter.

OP, I think, given the details you provided, that you are being unreasonable.

To PP, I think it's sort of ridiculous to call someone a "slacker" because they don't want to be a "super auntie" to a child you decided to have.