Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The book Brainstorm explains it. It is meant for parents and teens to read and has exercises for teens having to do with cognition and impulsive behaviors. I have it. Haven't read it but interviews sounded really interesting. It's about massive brain changes that go on in the brain, especially prefrontal cortex. Interesting stuff on teen risk taking, overvaluation of positive benefits of risky behavior, and exercises for kids to get in touch with their "gut" to make better choices. http://www.amazon.com/dp/158542935X/?tag=googhydr-20&hvadid=47572742808&hvpos=1t1&hvexid=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=3082444094360382827&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=b&hvdev=c&ref=pd_sl_3n74wieww1_b

I started Brainstorm after MIL heard the author speak on NPR. It drove me nuts! As someone who does research for a living, I found it surprisingly short on actual research about what's happening in the teen brain (I just went to Amazon, and the 1st review, which gives it 3 stars, says pretty much the same thing about the lack of info on teen brain changes). It is very long, however, on drumming home the idea that "you need to listen to your teen because this is an important time in his life." Well, duh. Nobody thinks that shutting out your teen is going to solve anything. Plus, the author's cutesy drawings seemed a little pretentious to me. I didn't write one of the negative reviews on Amazon, but I sure could have. YMMV, of course, and it's out in paperback now, so why not try it.

Try, "Yes, Your Teen is Crazy" (Yes, Your Teen is Crazy) for some clearer explanations of what's going on in teens' brains, combined with a very humane perspective, humor, and helpful practical advice (no, I'm not related to the author). Also, for our teen we found "Mindsight" helpful in identifying DC's lack of resiliency and suggesting ways to help him deal better with criticism, failure, and his general attitude.

Ooops, meant to include an Amazon link to Yes, Your Teen is Crazy. It's easily findable on Amazon.

OP, if you haven't already take a look at "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk" (i think there is one that is specific to teens) and "Siblings Without Rivalry." I found both incredibly helpful -- their suggestions have really worked for us.

Also, consider asking teachers she's close to if they think anything's going on at school for her? Maybe it's all just hormones... but maybe something difficult is going on in her school life? I think that when a sweet kids suddenly changes, often there really is something going on....

good luck!

Anonymous wrote:The book Brainstorm explains it. It is meant for parents and teens to read and has exercises for teens having to do with cognition and impulsive behaviors. I have it. Haven't read it but interviews sounded really interesting. It's about massive brain changes that go on in the brain, especially prefrontal cortex. Interesting stuff on teen risk taking, overvaluation of positive benefits of risky behavior, and exercises for kids to get in touch with their "gut" to make better choices. http://www.amazon.com/dp/158542935X/?tag=googhydr-20&hvadid=47572742808&hvpos=1t1&hvexid=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=3082444094360382827&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=b&hvdev=c&ref=pd_sl_3n74wieww1_b

I started Brainstorm after MIL heard the author speak on NPR. It drove me nuts! As someone who does research for a living, I found it surprisingly short on actual research about what's happening in the teen brain (I just went to Amazon, and the 1st review, which gives it 3 stars, says pretty much the same thing about the lack of info on teen brain changes). It is very long, however, on drumming home the idea that "you need to listen to your teen because this is an important time in his life." Well, duh. Nobody thinks that shutting out your teen is going to solve anything. Plus, the author's cutesy drawings seemed a little pretentious to me. I didn't write one of the negative reviews on Amazon, but I sure could have. YMMV, of course, and it's out in paperback now, so why not try it.

Try, "Yes, Your Teen is Crazy" (Yes, Your Teen is Crazy) for some clearer explanations of what's going on in teens' brains, combined with a very humane perspective, humor, and helpful practical advice (no, I'm not related to the author). Also, for our teen we found "Mindsight" helpful in identifying DC's lack of resiliency and suggesting ways to help him deal better with criticism, failure, and his general attitude.

The book Brainstorm explains it. It is meant for parents and teens to read and has exercises for teens having to do with cognition and impulsive behaviors. I have it. Haven't read it but interviews sounded really interesting. It's about massive brain changes that go on in the brain, especially prefrontal cortex. Interesting stuff on teen risk taking, overvaluation of positive benefits of risky behavior, and exercises for kids to get in touch with their "gut" to make better choices. http://www.amazon.com/dp/158542935X/?tag=googhydr-20&hvadid=47572742808&hvpos=1t1&hvexid=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=3082444094360382827&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=b&hvdev=c&ref=pd_sl_3n74wieww1_b

I've heard it's a combination of hormones and brain changes. I'm no professional, but here's what I've heard.

First, the prefrontal cortex is still developing. Thus, the inability to see future (like tomorrow) consequences.

Because of the hormones, serotonin is lower during teen years than at other times of life. This makes teens vulnerable to depression. Low serotonin also increases their need to take risks for stimulation.

What is with blaming stuff on hormones? I don't think it's hormones... Or rather, what makes you say it is?

Anyway, I think children at this age are going through some major brain development and cognitive changes. Who am I (in relation to others)? How do others perceive me? What do I think of myself? How do I cope with changing demands and expectations, even as I still know so damn little? Things like that.

Growing up is a PITA and is stressful.

Let her know you love her and will stand by her through thick and thin. And let her know that she must meet basic standards of human decency and politeness around strangers, friends, and even family--ESPECIALLY family.

Let her get her GGRRRRs out in a way that's healthy and not destructive. Listen to her carefully.

You can look into stuff about aggressive, hostile kids (even though your child is probably not at that extreme--the advice still applies, just like learning strategies for kids with learning disabilities are also super helpful for kids in the more "typical" range of learning). Maybe something like the "Total Transformation" will help? Maybe books like "What to Do When you Grumble Too Much" or "--Worry Too Much" will help?

Get yourself an arsenal of strategies, approaches and responses to obnoxious tweenie behavior.

Good luck!!

I have been through it and come out the other side. I empathize, I give you a virtual hug, and I assure you it will pass. Don't engage, don't get sucked in to the power struggle. Set your boundaries and refuse to fight.

Good luck. One day you will have your delicious daughter back!

Anonymous wrote:Our 12 year old daughter, who is an excellent student and has always been nice, has turned into a monster over the past 6-8 months. She wakes up (literally) bucking for a fight and carries it through to bedtime. She is constantly snippy and combative with both of us, and she maintains a level of aggression toward her younger sister and brother that could easily turn into hate on their part if she's not careful. She is constantly raising her voice and is not above causing a mild scene in public. My friends with similar aged kids attribute it to hormonal changes at this age. Maybe, but this is becoming intolerable. Her behavior is completely disrupting our home life. Have others had the same experience?

I would say its a combo of hormones changing, testing her boundaries, and wanting to mature a little faster than her 12 yrs is allowing her to.

You do need to be the Alpha mom right now though. If you don't show her that you mean business and that her behavior is unacceptable she will push it as far as she can before WW III happens.

The behavior doesn't sound alarming to me in the least. annoying and disrespectful yes. How about taking away electronics? that always works with my kids. the iPhone is the first thing I take. they pretty much fall in line afterwards.

Arguments are inevitable with a teen. You need to establish rules for fair fighting when arguments happen.
- everybody let's everybody else finish, and listens.
- no mind-reading (you like my little brother better).
- talk in terms of "I feel" and "I think" not in generalizations like "it's so unfair"
- learn to recognize button-pushing, and learn to ignore it.
- no sarcasm during arguments. (This was really hard for me, but teens do feel you're putting them down.)
- some things are and always will be non-negotiable, like drink and drugs, curfew, and whatever else. Make sure the non-negotiable things are clear beforehand, before she asks you and you have to make a decision on the spot. Before she tries divide and conquer with you and DH.

There's more via Google.

Work for us.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend has a young teen and a few years ago she started getting an attitude. One day my friend just beat her daughter down. She punched and kicked her and taught her that in the real world if you are disrespectful there are consequences like getting jumped or shot or raped. You piss off the wrong person and they will have you gang raped, shit happens. Her daughter has been great ever sense.

Op I'm not telling you to beat up your daughter but maybe explain to her what could happen. Like getting jumped, school shootings. I got shot in high school because I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. But a lot of others got shot because they pissed off the wrong person.

......WTF

I am thinking wrong demographic

Absolutely wrong demographic. But its a pervasive attitude still in some places where the world outside the front door is very, very different from those in upper NW, etc. There are those who feel like "whooping" their kids will keep them in line so the "whooping" or much worse doesn't come from cops or criminals. I don't agree (see, Adrian Peterson) but I also can't say that I've ever lived in such an environment. (We were working class, not much money or education, but from a stable neighborhood/ environment)

Sorry to derail! I hope OP's tween simmers down a little when her hormones stop raging.

OP, my 12 yo is also insufferable. Even worse, she has always been argumentative so imagine what it is like now! I have to do a better job of not getting sucked into her arguments.

Anonymous wrote:Actually middle school teacher, I don't know what would be worse, the attitude or the pervasive smell of axe body spray. Mad respect.

Funny. One of my sons had a Teacher who told the kids she was allergic to Axe. I had a whole year off from the smell.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend has a young teen and a few years ago she started getting an attitude. One day my friend just beat her daughter down. She punched and kicked her and taught her that in the real world if you are disrespectful there are consequences like getting jumped or shot or raped. You piss off the wrong person and they will have you gang raped, shit happens. Her daughter has been great ever sense.

Op I'm not telling you to beat up your daughter but maybe explain to her what could happen. Like getting jumped, school shootings. I got shot in high school because I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. But a lot of others got shot because they pissed off the wrong person.

......WTF

I am thinking wrong demographic

Anonymous wrote:My friend has a young teen and a few years ago she started getting an attitude. One day my friend just beat her daughter down. She punched and kicked her and taught her that in the real world if you are disrespectful there are consequences like getting jumped or shot or raped. You piss off the wrong person and they will have you gang raped, shit happens. Her daughter has been great ever sense.

Op I'm not telling you to beat up your daughter but maybe explain to her what could happen. Like getting jumped, school shootings. I got shot in high school because I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. But a lot of others got shot because they pissed off the wrong person.

......WTF

My friend has a young teen and a few years ago she started getting an attitude. One day my friend just beat her daughter down. She punched and kicked her and taught her that in the real world if you are disrespectful there are consequences like getting jumped or shot or raped. You piss off the wrong person and they will have you gang raped, shit happens. Her daughter has been great ever sense.

Op I'm not telling you to beat up your daughter but maybe explain to her what could happen. Like getting jumped, school shootings. I got shot in high school because I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. But a lot of others got shot because they pissed off the wrong person.