Anonymous
10/07/2014 10:54
Subject: DH Forces Me to Be His Secretary
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I don't know how else to describe it, but my DH won't do anything unless I remind him to hundreds of times. We are in our early 30s so it is not an age issue. He just always overextends himself so I'm forced to keep track of everything he has going on in his life- his work schedules, our social schedule, things he is supposed to do around the house, promises that he's made to other people. Literally every evening and every morning I have to ask him what he has planned for the day and then spend the rest of the day reminding him not to forget to do certain things.
For example, tonight he'll tell me that he has to work (he doesn't work a traditional schedule), go to a doctor's appointment, pick up his dry cleaning, and give someone a ride to the airport. This means that all day tomorrow, I'll have to remind him to complete each task or something won't get done. This gets super annoying when it relates to a task he has to complete at home because if I don't remind him, then it doesn't get done.
It's a pain for me to have to manage my life, his, and our infant's.
Anyone else have to deal with something similar?
He might have ADD. You are probably a godsend. Be happy you make a practical difference in his life.
As someone who manages my ADD without medication, this was my thought as well.
Hpwever, the DH needs to stop behaving like w child and the OP needs to stop being his mother/martyr. This is a disastrous dynamic for a married couple.
I live and die by my calendar. We have a family calendar and every.single.activity including when kids school projects are due go in there. If an activity is not in there, I will miss it. Same at work. EVERYTHING goes in my outlook calendar. Yes, I sometimes miss things. Yes I sometimes annoy the shit out of my Dh, but nobody should be babysitting a 37yr old grown ass adult. If he can't handle ways to work around potential ADD he needs to see a doctor and start popping the amphetamines.
Where is your calendar? We have discussed putting a big whiteboard in the kitchen where he can write everything down. I think the only challenge is that sometimes he agrees to do things with/for people and doesn't tell me about it and then right when we're about to do something else, he'll get a call from the person wondering where he is and that throws a wrench in the day.
Anonymous
10/07/2014 10:50
Subject: DH Forces Me to Be His Secretary
OP here- for PP that have said they think it's ADD/ADHD does that cause forgetfulness? I've always assumed that people who had that were just hyper all of the time. Please forgive my ignorance on the condition.
Anonymous
10/07/2014 10:49
Subject: DH Forces Me to Be His Secretary
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:For example, tonight he'll tell me that he has to work (he doesn't work a traditional schedule), go to a doctor's appointment, pick up his dry cleaning, and give someone a ride to the airport. This means that all day tomorrow, I'll have to remind him to complete each task or something won't get done. This gets super annoying when it relates to a task he has to complete at home because if I don't remind him, then it doesn't get done.
It's a pain for me to have to manage my life, his, and our infant's.
Anyone else have to deal with something similar?
Ok OP, let's imagine your example above is literal. Let's also imagine you didn't remind him; what would happen? I assume he remembers to go to work, has a calendar to check for appointments (digital with reminders is helpful as is a visual calendar somewhere he spends time in the mornings) so he will see the doctor. Maybe then he gets distracted and goes to the bookstore rather than remembering the dry cleaning? Or what would happen, he'd come home maybe? And then later get a call from his friend wondering where he is and he'll belatedly head to the airport.
No one dies or even gets hurt, no one loses their job or any money, why exactly do you have to babysit his schedule? And when it comes to household jobs just sit down and set times for things. My DH has bathroom cleaning duty at 8pm every Sunday night so I never need to ask or remind him to clean, it's a part of our routine. Start building some at home, especially with an infant, so you're working like an efficient team. Especially with an infant at home you need to conscientiously stop babying your husband and let go of things that ultimately don't/won't matter; any love and romance will die off, otherwise.
There have been times that he has forgotten to go to his part time job, so he does lose money.
I've tried building a routine for household things and he always "forgets" or puts it off and then falls behind with everything else and never ends up doing it.
But I totally agree with you. I'm already entering the phase where I'm annoyed/exhausted and so Im not interested in the romance because he still hasn't completed xy or z.
Anonymous
10/07/2014 09:14
Subject: DH Forces Me to Be His Secretary
Anonymous wrote:I don't know how else to describe it, but my DH won't do anything unless I remind him to hundreds of times. We are in our early 30s so it is not an age issue. He just always overextends himself so I'm forced to keep track of everything he has going on in his life- his work schedules, our social schedule, things he is supposed to do around the house, promises that he's made to other people. Literally every evening and every morning I have to ask him what he has planned for the day and then spend the rest of the day reminding him not to forget to do certain things.
For example, tonight he'll tell me that he has to work (he doesn't work a traditional schedule), go to a doctor's appointment, pick up his dry cleaning, and give someone a ride to the airport. This means that all day tomorrow, I'll have to remind him to complete each task or something won't get done. This gets super annoying when it relates to a task he has to complete at home because if I don't remind him, then it doesn't get done.
It's a pain for me to have to manage my life, his, and our infant's.
Anyone else have to deal with something similar?
You are not forced to do anything. Step back. Let the chips fall where they may.
Anonymous
10/07/2014 08:50
Subject: DH Forces Me to Be His Secretary
Really? How is he able to hold down a job if he needs you to remind him to even show up for work? I'm guessing his boss is not constantly reminding him about his job duties. You need to stop. Tell him to set up alarm reminders in his phone and then stop. If he is truly as bad as this then I would never ever let him drive the kids anywhere as he will probably forget they are in the car.
Anonymous
10/07/2014 07:58
Subject: DH Forces Me to Be His Secretary
I would make an appointment for him to have a complete physical. Whenever he asked where he was supposed to be, I would tell him that I was worried that he was developing Alzheimer's.
Anonymous
10/07/2014 07:38
Subject: DH Forces Me to Be His Secretary
You've enabled him to be absent minded. You also sound like you like being in control and he likes letting be that way. The TWO of you need to grow up and act like mature adults.
So simple solution - stop acting like his mother.
So simple solution - stop acting like his mother.
Anonymous
10/07/2014 07:30
Subject: DH Forces Me to Be His Secretary
If a new approach with apps and calendars doesn't work, he can hire an ADD coach (even without diagnosis). Those people are professional and must have all the tricks. Let DH take that one. The coach will hold him accountable to learn some strategies and he will be checking in with the coach, not you.You can use reward swith your husband as youwould with a child. Special dinners if he uses the schedule properly.
Anonymous
10/07/2014 07:17
Subject: Re:DH Forces Me to Be His Secretary
Somwhere there's an anonymous post from a man who says his wife treats him like a child and constantly nags him to complete basic life tasks.
Anonymous
10/07/2014 06:22
Subject: DH Forces Me to Be His Secretary
As long as you continue enabling him OP, nothing will ever change. Why should he change? I wouldn't if I had someone there who was constantly reminding me of everything I had to do.
I know it will be tough, but if you are truly tired of doing what you are doing, then you have to just stop cold turkey + let the chips fall where they may.
He's a grown man and it's way time for him to be able to take care of his own affairs on his own.
If he is not able to, then perhaps there is truly something fundamentally wrong w/him. And that would be another issue altogether.
My gut feeling is that he is just used to having everything fall on you.
I know it will be tough, but if you are truly tired of doing what you are doing, then you have to just stop cold turkey + let the chips fall where they may.
He's a grown man and it's way time for him to be able to take care of his own affairs on his own.
If he is not able to, then perhaps there is truly something fundamentally wrong w/him. And that would be another issue altogether.
My gut feeling is that he is just used to having everything fall on you.
Anonymous
10/07/2014 06:17
Subject: DH Forces Me to Be His Secretary
You say he forces you to be his secretary. What would happen if you stopped. Yes, he would fuck up. So what? It's on him. Let him grow up. Is he your child?
Anonymous
10/07/2014 06:00
Subject: DH Forces Me to Be His Secretary
Home stuff: whiteboard on the fridge. You update it daily. He checks the board frequently in that case.
Anonymous
10/07/2014 05:59
Subject: DH Forces Me to Be His Secretary
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I don't know how else to describe it, but my DH won't do anything unless I remind him to hundreds of times. We are in our early 30s so it is not an age issue. He just always overextends himself so I'm forced to keep track of everything he has going on in his life- his work schedules, our social schedule, things he is supposed to do around the house, promises that he's made to other people. Literally every evening and every morning I have to ask him what he has planned for the day and then spend the rest of the day reminding him not to forget to do certain things.
For example, tonight he'll tell me that he has to work (he doesn't work a traditional schedule), go to a doctor's appointment, pick up his dry cleaning, and give someone a ride to the airport. This means that all day tomorrow, I'll have to remind him to complete each task or something won't get done. This gets super annoying when it relates to a task he has to complete at home because if I don't remind him, then it doesn't get done.
It's a pain for me to have to manage my life, his, and our infant's.
Anyone else have to deal with something similar?
He might have ADD. You are probably a godsend. Be happy you make a practical difference in his life.
As someone who manages my ADD without medication, this was my thought as well.
Hpwever, the DH needs to stop behaving like w child and the OP needs to stop being his mother/martyr. This is a disastrous dynamic for a married couple.
I live and die by my calendar. We have a family calendar and every.single.activity including when kids school projects are due go in there. If an activity is not in there, I will miss it. Same at work. EVERYTHING goes in my outlook calendar. Yes, I sometimes miss things. Yes I sometimes annoy the shit out of my Dh, but nobody should be babysitting a 37yr old grown ass adult. If he can't handle ways to work around potential ADD he needs to see a doctor and start popping the amphetamines.
Anonymous
10/07/2014 03:22
Subject: Re:DH Forces Me to Be His Secretary
If you want to do it for him - keep doing it.
If you don't want to keep doing it - tell him, explain it to him and then stop doing it. That will include a time of adjustment for him where he will miss appointments, meeting with your friends, not get stuff done...he will have to deal with the consequences and most likely that will teach him to be more reliable.
IF it is ADHD you can revert back to helping him out later, but just because this is a teeny tiny possibility don't live your life as if he had a diagnosis. And even if he gets a diagnosis at a point he still needs to learn to handle his life better than what he's doing right now. ADHD symptoms can be worked on, you don't just accept them and leave it be. What if you ever have to leave, go to hospital, what if you ever separate, Lord behold what if you die and he's left alone...loving him also means making sure he can handle himself. Not just doing everything for him.
If you don't want to keep doing it - tell him, explain it to him and then stop doing it. That will include a time of adjustment for him where he will miss appointments, meeting with your friends, not get stuff done...he will have to deal with the consequences and most likely that will teach him to be more reliable.
IF it is ADHD you can revert back to helping him out later, but just because this is a teeny tiny possibility don't live your life as if he had a diagnosis. And even if he gets a diagnosis at a point he still needs to learn to handle his life better than what he's doing right now. ADHD symptoms can be worked on, you don't just accept them and leave it be. What if you ever have to leave, go to hospital, what if you ever separate, Lord behold what if you die and he's left alone...loving him also means making sure he can handle himself. Not just doing everything for him.
Anonymous
10/07/2014 02:57
Subject: Re:DH Forces Me to Be His Secretary
I have ADD and I wish I had a wife like you
or better, a husband. My whole life I just annoy everyone around me ... My parents, teachers, profs, colleagues, my husband, I guess when my kids grow up they'd be annoyed by me too.
Your husband is a lucky man!
or better, a husband. My whole life I just annoy everyone around me ... My parents, teachers, profs, colleagues, my husband, I guess when my kids grow up they'd be annoyed by me too.
Your husband is a lucky man!