Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here -- WOW, thank you so much for these very insightful responses that have helped confirm what my heart already knew. I realize I am lucky to have a job with such flexibility and I hadn't thought before about how hard it would be to "prove myself" at a new job while requesting maternity leave. Not to mention, most employers don't offer unpaid leave within the first year, so that could be problematic if I do get pregnant soon (been trying for a couple months already, fingers crossed!).

I think what I'm struggling with is the fact I am an attorney and many of my friends have been pursuing high powered careers over the last five years, while I've sort of been focusing on my personal life, getting married, buying and decorating a new (to me) home, planning for a family, etc. Many of my friends in this area have decided to remain child free by choice and are now on the partner track or even running for political office, starting nonprofits, SES training, etc. I do have friends who have opted for the family route, but most of them left for less expensive cities. I find myself now feeling sort of left behind, especially as my husband finishes up his MBA while his career in the private sector is taking off.

I like the ideas about pursuing my passions outside of work and I imagine once I have little ones that will take up a lot of my time and energy! Also, I should probably try to keep up with legal networking events, volunteer for detail assignments at work, etc. so I don't fall too behind professionally.

It seems like a lot of the responses are from women, I'm curious if any men have made the decision of taking a less stressful job to spend time with family?

it looks like you don't want that. you want children + you want to be a hands on mom. therefore, you simply can't have a high powered career for a while, maybe never. but if you were so ambitious and all that, you would not have spent your twenties "focusing on personal life, getting married, buying and decorating home, planning for a family" (not sure why any of these took so much time - but, regardless of the reasons, children are going to take infinitely more time while making you less and less interested in career).

i was a very ambitious woman and to some extent still am (i would never spend twenties "decorating a home" though i did marry in my twenties). but having kids definitively changed that. one of the important things is, before, if i didn't accomplish anything professionally substantial in like a week or so, i would feel bad, like i am wasting my time. now, i don't have that kind of motivator anymore, because, even when i do nothing of significance at my work, i have still accomplished something. it's a great feeling, but also diminishes the drive to succeed profesionally.

Well I didn't spend my 20s just decorating a home (I only bought in the past year), I just used that as an example of things I have been focusing on instead of career, somewhat by choice, somewhat not. I graduated in 2009 during the recession, clerked for a year, and then felt lucky to land a government job while a lot of my classmates were un(or under)employed. I kept applying for other jobs, but the legal market hasn't been so hot. I was top 1/3 from a tier 1 law school, but not big law material, so I kind of focused on my personal life as a source of happiness. I am thankful for the freedom I had in my 20s because it allowed me to get out there and meet my husband while a lot of my friends were too busy to date. This has made me realize how much family life matters to me, so yes, you're correct that it probably seems clear I want to be a mom more than be a career woman.

Seeing my friends have high powered careers just makes me a little wistful of what could have been -- I am super happy for them though and know they worked hard for it. Now that the job market is somewhat improving I have been toying with the idea of applying for some more challenging jobs, but feel like the timing just isn't right for me at this point in life. I guess I just wanted to hear from some working parents who have had to make this decision to get some input on family/work balance. I appreciate hearing both sides of the coin (focus on family now vs. the potential pitfalls of stalling your career early in life). Thank you all for your responses!

OP, I think you can try to have the best of both worlds.

In my late 20s, I had a very good and prestigious job. It had a lot of growth potential and I was on track to be promoted. That job path meant a lot of travel and long hours though. And a lot of ass-in-chair time. Limited flexibility. I left pro-actively to find something more family friendly. I went to an overall more family-oriented organization and took a slight demotion to get into this organization. It was an ego deflating move at the time. But I thought my long-term prospects there would be good, even though the job I took wasn't great. I then started trying to have kids. I was bored in my job and felt very unchallenged, pretty much from the get go. I also felt very behind compared to my peers. I ended up spending about 4 years in this dud job and it wasn't great. But I did a good job, networked, and made a good name for myself in the organization. I let a few promotion opportunities go by because it wasn't going to be the right fit in terms of maintaining my work-life balance. When my first child was about 1, I got an opportunity to take a promotion that really met my requirements and I ran with it. I busted ass to prove myself for about a year at that job and now I have a job I'm really very happy with in a flexible, family-oriented organization. And I put off having my second for a bit longer to establish myself in the new job. Now I have two and I really feel like I have hit the jackpot on all fronts. Am I the most successful person on the planet? No. But I have a good job with real challenges and real responsibilities and my kids are still able to be my top priority.

What is my point - do not just give up and think you have to stay at the dud job forever. I think that is soul sucking, personally. Your kids will grow up so fast and if you are going to work every day, there has to be something in it for you too. Just my 2 cents. You are young. You have time to have kids AND get on a more rewarding career track. I would try to focus on putting yourself in a better position to make slow and steady advancements, whatever that looks like for you. Be strategic and recognize there will be some sacrifices along the way - both professionally and personally. But I think you can try to get to a place where you're happy on all fronts.

I'm pretty jealous of all you feds with flexible work schedules! I'm a fed and my only "flexibility" is working a 40 hour week. I can't change my hours or request sick leave/annual leave without notice, I can't telework and I can't take annual leave if other coworkers have already requested it (kinda sucky to not get Christmas Eve).

Anonymous wrote:Sounds wonderful. Career can wait to grow, the window for having kids is shorter.

Have you actually tried to grow a career when you are 50?

Anonymous wrote:OP here -- WOW, thank you so much for these very insightful responses that have helped confirm what my heart already knew. I realize I am lucky to have a job with such flexibility and I hadn't thought before about how hard it would be to "prove myself" at a new job while requesting maternity leave. Not to mention, most employers don't offer unpaid leave within the first year, so that could be problematic if I do get pregnant soon (been trying for a couple months already, fingers crossed!).

I think what I'm struggling with is the fact I am an attorney and many of my friends have been pursuing high powered careers over the last five years, while I've sort of been focusing on my personal life, getting married, buying and decorating a new (to me) home, planning for a family, etc. Many of my friends in this area have decided to remain child free by choice and are now on the partner track or even running for political office, starting nonprofits, SES training, etc. I do have friends who have opted for the family route, but most of them left for less expensive cities. I find myself now feeling sort of left behind, especially as my husband finishes up his MBA while his career in the private sector is taking off.

I like the ideas about pursuing my passions outside of work and I imagine once I have little ones that will take up a lot of my time and energy! Also, I should probably try to keep up with legal networking events, volunteer for detail assignments at work, etc. so I don't fall too behind professionally.

It seems like a lot of the responses are from women, I'm curious if any men have made the decision of taking a less stressful job to spend time with family?

it looks like you don't want that. you want children + you want to be a hands on mom. therefore, you simply can't have a high powered career for a while, maybe never. but if you were so ambitious and all that, you would not have spent your twenties "focusing on personal life, getting married, buying and decorating home, planning for a family" (not sure why any of these took so much time - but, regardless of the reasons, children are going to take infinitely more time while making you less and less interested in career).

i was a very ambitious woman and to some extent still am (i would never spend twenties "decorating a home" though i did marry in my twenties). but having kids definitively changed that. one of the important things is, before, if i didn't accomplish anything professionally substantial in like a week or so, i would feel bad, like i am wasting my time. now, i don't have that kind of motivator anymore, because, even when i do nothing of significance at my work, i have still accomplished something. it's a great feeling, but also diminishes the drive to succeed profesionally.

Just wait until you have children, you'll want and need the flexibility. I went part-time 7 years ago when my son was born, and I can't imagine going back to a hectic demanding schedule that will interfere with my son's activities. And I enjoy being his driver, his chef, his butler - these 7 years have flown by so my guess is that so will the next 7 and I want to enjoy them and be there for him - he's fun

Anonymous wrote:I could stand to be a bit more challenged in my job, but I also have amazing flexibility and PTO. There's no way I am going anywhere for awhile.

Some people refer to high salary as the "golden handcuffs," but I think flexibility has its own ties like that.

+1, once you experience job flexibility, it's so hard to give up

I'm in your boat at well. I just started back at work at my boring, but not super demanding attorney job that pays me decent but not amazing. (low 6 figures). I appreciate the flexibility and regular hours, but it is SO much harder being in a job I'm not crazy about when I have a baby in day care that I MUCH rather be with. I don't have the option of not working right now, so I'm just sucking it up for the time being.

Also, you REALLY can't predict how things will go when you go back to work. You could have the easiest baby in the world that sleeps through the night. . . or not.

My son was sleeping through the night from 2-4 months, but at exactly 4 months his night sleeping completely fell apart. He is 5 months now, and hasn't slept through the night in a month. There are some nights where he wakes up 5 times in a night. I am completely sleep deprived and barely getting by in my non-demanding job, I don't know what I would do if I had a super high pressure job where I HAD to perform at 100 percent all the time.

I'm the 36 year old PP from above. I'm not a man but I have two good female friends who are pursuing more intense careers and they happen to have husbands that work from home full time at less stressful/more flexible jobs. They are happy and it works for them. I know a lot of WDC area families have two parents that are working high intensity/high pressure jobs but in my experience it is almost impossible to do so without significant outside help.

Anonymous wrote:OP here -- WOW, thank you so much for these very insightful responses that have helped confirm what my heart already knew. I realize I am lucky to have a job with such flexibility and I hadn't thought before about how hard it would be to "prove myself" at a new job while requesting maternity leave. Not to mention, most employers don't offer unpaid leave within the first year, so that could be problematic if I do get pregnant soon (been trying for a couple months already, fingers crossed!).

I think what I'm struggling with is the fact I am an attorney and many of my friends have been pursuing high powered careers over the last five years, while I've sort of been focusing on my personal life, getting married, buying and decorating a new (to me) home, planning for a family, etc. Many of my friends in this area have decided to remain child free by choice and are now on the partner track or even running for political office, starting nonprofits, SES training, etc. I do have friends who have opted for the family route, but most of them left for less expensive cities. I find myself now feeling sort of left behind, especially as my husband finishes up his MBA while his career in the private sector is taking off.

I like the ideas about pursuing my passions outside of work and I imagine once I have little ones that will take up a lot of my time and energy! Also, I should probably try to keep up with legal networking events, volunteer for detail assignments at work, etc. so I don't fall too behind professionally.

It seems like a lot of the responses are from women, I'm curious if any men have made the decision of taking a less stressful job to spend time with family?

I think you'll find that there are many, many female attorneys who chose the Road Less Ambitious and are very happy with their decisions. I know I'm one of them. You're still young and your friends all feel like they have to prove themselves. The question you have to ask yourself is: what do I have to prove to anybody? The answer? Nothing. Well, that is, nothing until you have your family. Then you owe it to them to give of yourself what you can. Thankfully, my work can come second to them and I'm so thankful.

This is my life too - I'm at the end of my second pregnancy, and the ONLY reason I'm not looking for a new job right now is because my current one is so flexible and family friendly. I don't want to rock the boat and end up in a situation where I come back to work after maternity leave to a situation where I don't know if I'll be able to pump several times a day or work from home when necessary. A year from now, I'll definitely be re-evaluating as we are done having kids with this one.

OP here -- WOW, thank you so much for these very insightful responses that have helped confirm what my heart already knew. I realize I am lucky to have a job with such flexibility and I hadn't thought before about how hard it would be to "prove myself" at a new job while requesting maternity leave. Not to mention, most employers don't offer unpaid leave within the first year, so that could be problematic if I do get pregnant soon (been trying for a couple months already, fingers crossed!).

I think what I'm struggling with is the fact I am an attorney and many of my friends have been pursuing high powered careers over the last five years, while I've sort of been focusing on my personal life, getting married, buying and decorating a new (to me) home, planning for a family, etc. Many of my friends in this area have decided to remain child free by choice and are now on the partner track or even running for political office, starting nonprofits, SES training, etc. I do have friends who have opted for the family route, but most of them left for less expensive cities. I find myself now feeling sort of left behind, especially as my husband finishes up his MBA while his career in the private sector is taking off.

I like the ideas about pursuing my passions outside of work and I imagine once I have little ones that will take up a lot of my time and energy! Also, I should probably try to keep up with legal networking events, volunteer for detail assignments at work, etc. so I don't fall too behind professionally.

It seems like a lot of the responses are from women, I'm curious if any men have made the decision of taking a less stressful job to spend time with family?

Again, yes. I'm a 36 year old mom of two (ages 5 and almost 4). I took my current job when DS 1 was 6 months old because it was half time and that's what I wanted then. Fast forward five years (and one more child) and I am still in the same job though my responsibilities have shifted and I've ramped up to full time but with a very flexible schedule and the ability to work from home whenever I want. Now that DS 1 is in Kindergarten I appreciate the flexibility even more than I did when they were both in preschool/daycare...I can walk him to school some mornings, I can pick him up from school twice a week (and make up those hours in the evening after the kids are in be). I can volunteer in his class once or twice per month. As long as my work is getting done and I'm not missing scheduled telcons or meetings it doesn't matter if I'm unavailable for an hour or two every once in a while. My pay is ok for my industry and my benefits are excellent. I'm still very solidly in a mid-level position while my friends in the same industry have progressed up but I'm really ok where I am. While I'm not 100% fulfilled professionally, this is what works best for me and my family now. I get a little angsty now and then and feel like I should be doing more career wise but then I look at the big picture and realize I'm right where I want to be.

Good luck!

Anonymous wrote:The answer is obviously yes.

+1

I am encouraging my DD to get a job with Fed. when she grows up and has kids. I am one also.

Another yes from a 31 year old mom of a 6 mo old who left the private sector for a govt. job a few months before I got pregnant. I cannot imagine working my old, all-consuming job during my pregnancy or these early months. This job doesn't take everything I have to do, which means I can still do it well even when I'm only at 75%. When I was at 100%, that meant this job was sometimes boring, but now its just right. I actually think its a good career move to put yourself in a position to excel in your job in these mommy years instead of spreading yourself too thin and floundering in the more prestigious/stressful job.

That said, my career is still very important to me, maybe even more now that I have a daughter who will be looking to me as a role model. Make sure you are developing / honing marketable skills (either in your job or through outside opportunities) and see how you feel once you've actually got a kid.