She needs to be saying please, thank you and good bye to adults regardless if she's shy or not. Even autistic kids can be taught manners. Tell her if you hear her that she's not using her manners she's grounded. Yes there is a certain level of manners that kids, teens, young adults and adults need to know. Good luck and keep us posted.

Her being 10= You not noticing before.

"My children are not like this at home" = she can change.

So notice more, reinforce the good more and she will change.

Agree with the PPs about anxiety/awkwardness. Two of my kids have ADHD/anxiety. Sometimes they're so uncomfortable/anxious about saying the wrong thing, they don't say anything at all or speak in a whisper. One has difficulty with eye contact. We've had to do a lot of role playing/modeling on this. I've got two other kids who couldn't be nicer or more socially adept. OP needs to find out what the source of this behavior is.

At this age, certainly she is old enough for the basics - at least hello, goodbye, acknowledgments (even if short), please and thank you - by herself.

No one is making any type of huge social demands of her - just basic responses. Maybe she just likes showing off for her friends, and/or getting any attention, even if it is negative.

Anonymous wrote:My friends and I all correct each other's kids. If I'm handing a bottle of water to my friend's son and he goes to take it without saying thank you, I don't let go.

If my DD leaves her friend's house without saying "Thank you for having me" she will get called back.

I do this with DD's close friends who I've known for many years. Gently, of course. But I correct/redirect just like I would my own kids. I would hope their parents would do the same with my kids.

Have you asked your DD what's going on? What does she say?

It will likely be hard to start (or maintain) that conversation without being accusatory or judgmental (at least it would for me . . . ) but the key is really to avoid those things. Try to stick with a CURIOUS mindset aimed at UNDERSTANDING her. You want to convey (and be) puzzled and curious and genuinely concerned about her feelings and values, not so you can judge or "correct" them, but so you can understand them from her point of view.

From there you can think about if or how to address the situation. In a separate conversation another time. The first conversation is listening and understanding only. Not advising, critiquing, or correcting.

If you do this, please post back. I'm actually curious what your DD is thinking. Is she shy? Intimidated by adults? Showing off for her friends? Amused by the thrill of being "bad"? Enjoying the negative attention? Completely and utterly clueless about it all? Or something else entirely? Kids are complicated and rudeness is not always rudeness. (Although sometimes it is . . . . )

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:IDK, to me RUDE is talking back, attitude, etc. Your DD seems socially shy, but I don't know her, you do. I'd work on coaching her at home, 10 is pretty easily remedied, IMO

See, I would disagree, kids that don't talk to me are rude. If I ask a question and you don't answer, that is rude. A kid that isn't a robot following adult commands isn't rude, he/she is just exploring their world.

I feel like she might be robotic, as in my culture, it is considered rude to have any prolonged eye contact. But we live here now, and for the foreseeable future, so I want her to have eye contact and learn basic interaction with adults. She will need to speak with adults in her lifetime, and she will need to know how to communicate verbally to get by in this world, no?

My friends and I all correct each other's kids. If I'm handing a bottle of water to my friend's son and he goes to take it without saying thank you, I don't let go.

If my DD leaves her friend's house without saying "Thank you for having me" she will get called back.

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I just don't want to have "that kid".

you don't get to choose!

Anonymous wrote:IDK, to me RUDE is talking back, attitude, etc. Your DD seems socially shy, but I don't know her, you do. I'd work on coaching her at home, 10 is pretty easily remedied, IMO

See, I would disagree, kids that don't talk to me are rude. If I ask a question and you don't answer, that is rude. A kid that isn't a robot following adult commands isn't rude, he/she is just exploring their world.

Anonymous wrote:Meh, that doesn't sound "rude." It sounds "shy" or "awkward." Or may be introverted.

Seems to me that, with a little work, you can improve some of those interactions. But, ease up, some people are not naturally social and outgoing. I think it's fine to expect a please/thank you, and it's important to teach her to look people in the eye, but some of the other things just may be her personality. You need to recognize which is which.

+1
At 34 I still find eye contact and social interaction with strangers quite taxing.

Meh, that doesn't sound "rude." It sounds "shy" or "awkward." Or may be introverted.

Seems to me that, with a little work, you can improve some of those interactions. But, ease up, some people are not naturally social and outgoing. I think it's fine to expect a please/thank you, and it's important to teach her to look people in the eye, but some of the other things just may be her personality. You need to recognize which is which.

Anonymous wrote:She sounds autistic. I'm not trying to be a jerk by saying that.

No, she doesn't should autistic.

She sounds autistic. I'm not trying to be a jerk by saying that.

OP again. Maybe Eddie Haskell is the wrong comparison, as Eddie Haskell was known for "brown nosing" adults, instead of ignoring them. But I am afraid of the sneaky factor being there.