I am not OP. I was not trying to say that my understanding is complete. My similiar experience being that of an only child of a father with addiction disorders and either NPD or BPD. Luckily my parents were divorced so that I was not subjected to his vagaries on a daily basis. My father was in my life until he died, but even in my teens I came to realize that I could not allow myself to be manipulated by him or to enable his dysfunction. I also a grandchild of addiction and I see what the enabling of one grandparent did to the children of that family. These are now grown folks in their 60's and 70's and you can clearly see the negative effects of that behaviour. What I am saying, as a person who has dealt with this mess for most of my life, is that your DD is seeing what you do, and that is a much larger impact than you saying ANYTHING. Remember, your dd is just a kid, she does not yet have the maturity and/or emotional landscape, experience, or management to discern what you are asking her to discern. It is confusing, what she needs is an adult to be the buffer, the block, period. Everyone is different, but I cannot allow myself to be held hostage to crazy. What ends up happening is that you do more damage to yourself than trying to outwit the nutball. I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. I would just encourage you to re-think your strategy, for yourself and for your kid.

================
I think that a lot of people understand, but everyone has different boundaries and things they are not willing to tolerate. At some point, some folk decide that having a relationship with horrific dysfunction is not worth it;it is too soul crushing.I think it is harder for those raised in those circumstances it is harder to make those kinds of breaks, because they have been taught from early on to make those kinds of emotional compromises, to make accommodations and tolerate what others will not. Too a great degree, they have been taught to walk on eggshells. I hate that anyone would have to go thru this special type of hell.

Anonymous wrote:To the PP with the father with NPD- It's so nice to hear even in cyberspace that someone understands. Yes- if I said anything no matter how tactfully, it's my fault and I'm a horrible person. Yes. Yes. Yes. Thank you!

Others don't understand that you have to "tolerate" certain things (boundary breaking) if you want any relationship with these type of people.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. I have a step mother with Narcisstic Personality Disorder, unofficially diagnosed by multiple people including a therapist....

Anyway, I hear you. Its not possible. Short of making a big scene and then YOU become the terrible person that doesnt understand. Its exhausting.

Sometimes what I do with my step mother is I throw her a bone, give her something to do, something to appeal to her ego. So, for example, I asked her to throw a party for my DD's birthday, because "you're so good at it". The real reason: its the only way DD will be able to see my father because NPD step mom controls him 100% of the time and blocks him in any way necessary from havivng a real relationship with me, his only child, or my daughter, his only grandchild.

IN this case, its a toughie. You could ask them to research and purchase the best dog quilts for the furniture "so the dear pups and be comfy on the furniture". You know how that kind of shit works with a narcissist. Frighteningly well.

Just an idea. I am sorry. ITs not very good, but I just wanted you to know I know exactly what you are talking about.

It is possible, but you are, understandably, not willing to deal with the consequences of doing it. But, please remember and take into account that what you are doing is teaching YOUR child to capitulate to emotional dysfunction and manipulation. You are allowing this woman to now and in the future to manipulate and control your child. Are you willing to do this? This is leaving your kid open to all kinds of enabling of unhealthy relationships in her adult life. I'm not trying to be mean, just want to be sure you have a full understanding.

I appreciate your concern, and I do know this already. You dont know the complete facts, which I didnt give because this post is not about me.

But in summary: I keep my child away from the narcissist 99.9% of the time and I talk honestly about exactly what she is with my daughter. NPD step mom is really just my dads wife to me. She married him 10 years ago. My biological mom is dead. So I didnt grow up with this harpie parasite. However, because my father is one of my daughters few remaining relatives, I do go to see him and the only way to do that is at his home under the NPD's watchful eye.

So DD and I know and talk exactly about the manipulation and the dysfunction, and we visit my dad because when we didnt, his health declined and the NPD wife allowed him to become gravely ill without informing us.

The real cruelty about NPD is the way these people "pass" to so many that the real horror of what they actually are is known only to a few who then become villified for recognizing something is awfully wrong. It was a concrete decision to let my daughter know, who is still only 8, that the things she has noticed arent right about this woman are due to something specific and unfixable. I never fail to let her know to never ever trust her or to believe she is capable of true feelings for her.

So, one might say I continually inoculate her. And Im not stopping till the day I die.

Im sorry to hear your understanding of the problem is so complete. It means youve been down a hard road.

I just realized I assumed you arent OP. But are you?

I am not OP. I was not trying to say that my understanding is complete. My similiar experience being that of an only child of a father with addiction disorders and either NPD or BPD. Luckily my parents were divorced so that I was not subjected to his vagaries on a daily basis. My father was in my life until he died, but even in my teens I came to realize that I could not allow myself to be manipulated by him or to enable his dysfunction. I also a grandchild of addiction and I see what the enabling of one grandparent did to the children of that family. These are now grown folks in their 60's and 70's and you can clearly see the negative effects of that behaviour. What I am saying, as a person who has dealt with this mess for most of my life, is that your DD is seeing what you do, and that is a much larger impact than you saying ANYTHING. Remember, your dd is just a kid, she does not yet have the maturity and/or emotional landscape, experience, or management to discern what you are asking her to discern. It is confusing, what she needs is an adult to be the buffer, the block, period. Everyone is different, but I cannot allow myself to be held hostage to crazy. What ends up happening is that you do more damage to yourself than trying to outwit the nutball. I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. I would just encourage you to re-think your strategy, for yourself and for your kid.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. I have a step mother with Narcisstic Personality Disorder, unofficially diagnosed by multiple people including a therapist....

Anyway, I hear you. Its not possible. Short of making a big scene and then YOU become the terrible person that doesnt understand. Its exhausting.

Sometimes what I do with my step mother is I throw her a bone, give her something to do, something to appeal to her ego. So, for example, I asked her to throw a party for my DD's birthday, because "you're so good at it". The real reason: its the only way DD will be able to see my father because NPD step mom controls him 100% of the time and blocks him in any way necessary from havivng a real relationship with me, his only child, or my daughter, his only grandchild.

IN this case, its a toughie. You could ask them to research and purchase the best dog quilts for the furniture "so the dear pups and be comfy on the furniture". You know how that kind of shit works with a narcissist. Frighteningly well.

Just an idea. I am sorry. ITs not very good, but I just wanted you to know I know exactly what you are talking about.

It is possible, but you are, understandably, not willing to deal with the consequences of doing it. But, please remember and take into account that what you are doing is teaching YOUR child to capitulate to emotional dysfunction and manipulation. You are allowing this woman to now and in the future to manipulate and control your child. Are you willing to do this? This is leaving your kid open to all kinds of enabling of unhealthy relationships in her adult life. I'm not trying to be mean, just want to be sure you have a full understanding.

I appreciate your concern, and I do know this already. You dont know the complete facts, which I didnt give because this post is not about me.

But in summary: I keep my child away from the narcissist 99.9% of the time and I talk honestly about exactly what she is with my daughter. NPD step mom is really just my dads wife to me. She married him 10 years ago. My biological mom is dead. So I didnt grow up with this harpie parasite. However, because my father is one of my daughters few remaining relatives, I do go to see him and the only way to do that is at his home under the NPD's watchful eye.

So DD and I know and talk exactly about the manipulation and the dysfunction, and we visit my dad because when we didnt, his health declined and the NPD wife allowed him to become gravely ill without informing us.

The real cruelty about NPD is the way these people "pass" to so many that the real horror of what they actually are is known only to a few who then become villified for recognizing something is awfully wrong. It was a concrete decision to let my daughter know, who is still only 8, that the things she has noticed arent right about this woman are due to something specific and unfixable. I never fail to let her know to never ever trust her or to believe she is capable of true feelings for her.

So, one might say I continually inoculate her. And Im not stopping till the day I die.

Im sorry to hear your understanding of the problem is so complete. It means youve been down a hard road.

I just realized I assumed you arent OP. But are you?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. I have a step mother with Narcisstic Personality Disorder, unofficially diagnosed by multiple people including a therapist....

Anyway, I hear you. Its not possible. Short of making a big scene and then YOU become the terrible person that doesnt understand. Its exhausting.

Sometimes what I do with my step mother is I throw her a bone, give her something to do, something to appeal to her ego. So, for example, I asked her to throw a party for my DD's birthday, because "you're so good at it". The real reason: its the only way DD will be able to see my father because NPD step mom controls him 100% of the time and blocks him in any way necessary from havivng a real relationship with me, his only child, or my daughter, his only grandchild.

IN this case, its a toughie. You could ask them to research and purchase the best dog quilts for the furniture "so the dear pups and be comfy on the furniture". You know how that kind of shit works with a narcissist. Frighteningly well.

Just an idea. I am sorry. ITs not very good, but I just wanted you to know I know exactly what you are talking about.

It is possible, but you are, understandably, not willing to deal with the consequences of doing it. But, please remember and take into account that what you are doing is teaching YOUR child to capitulate to emotional dysfunction and manipulation. You are allowing this woman to now and in the future to manipulate and control your child. Are you willing to do this? This is leaving your kid open to all kinds of enabling of unhealthy relationships in her adult life. I'm not trying to be mean, just want to be sure you have a full understanding.

Anonymous wrote:OP. I have a step mother with Narcisstic Personality Disorder, unofficially diagnosed by multiple people including a therapist....

Anyway, I hear you. Its not possible. Short of making a big scene and then YOU become the terrible person that doesnt understand. Its exhausting.

Sometimes what I do with my step mother is I throw her a bone, give her something to do, something to appeal to her ego. So, for example, I asked her to throw a party for my DD's birthday, because "you're so good at it". The real reason: its the only way DD will be able to see my father because NPD step mom controls him 100% of the time and blocks him in any way necessary from havivng a real relationship with me, his only child, or my daughter, his only grandchild.

IN this case, its a toughie. You could ask them to research and purchase the best dog quilts for the furniture "so the dear pups and be comfy on the furniture". You know how that kind of shit works with a narcissist. Frighteningly well.

Just an idea. I am sorry. ITs not very good, but I just wanted you to know I know exactly what you are talking about.