Wow it seems from the posts above that all of the ultimatums have failed in affecting any change.

I used an ultimatum but it was after years of counseling proved ineffective. It was actually a decision to divorce, but he convinced me that he would, finally, change. Not overnight, but gradually it is improving. However, whenever he goes to the anger thing I always think hard about whether I should have just left when I said I would.

Short version: I tried it. Didn't work. Divorced now.

Longer version: Ten years earlier, after he said and did some awful things, I started packing. After a few days of seeing boxes fill, he begged for another chance. He volunteered to get counseling for his anger and blame issues. Largely for our kids' sake, I agreed.

Ten years later, he had still never been to counseling. We would have happy periods, but it seemed like after each happy time, the bad points would get longer and lower. He did some more awful things. I gave the "counseling or the kids and I are gone" ultimatum. He waited until the absolute last second before making an appointment, which was a clue in itself.

He started seeing the counselor by himself, and we went together. He did not do a single thing the counselor advised. He wouldn't try to change at all. He just got angrier because I was "making him go," and counseling was "not helping, anyway."

I tried my best to learn from counseling, but one-sided doesn't work. After more than a year of counseling, we separated. We've been divorced for years now, and he's still the same. I have changed, though!

Should be that's *not* necessarily because he cares about you.

I think Carolyn Hax has an excellent viewpoint on ultimatums. In her view, ultimatums are pretty much never useful. When you want your partner to change something, you want them to change because they love you and appreciate how negatively the thing is affecting you. So she recommends presenting it in terms of how it's affecting you, not in terms of what you'll do if they don't change. "I would really like you to come to marriage counseling with me. I'm very unhappy with X, Y and Z in our marriage, and I think marriage counseling is the best way for us to work on that." If he agrees, you know he's in it for you; if he doesn't, you know that your happiness isn't something he values, and you can make decisions accordingly.

In contrast, if you say, "I need you to come to marriage counseling with me or I'm leaving," he may agree to it, but that's necessarily because he cares about you. It may be that he just doesn't want to upset his comfortable life, and is willing to do just enough to keep you from leaving. Which means that once he thinks you've committed to staying again, he'll revert back to his previous behavior.

I think that you need to make sure that you mean what you say with an ultimatum. If you don't follow through he will view you as even weaker and nothing will ever change.

I was in this situation. I left him and he got counseling, twice! He stopped and went back to his old rage-tastic behavior within 12 months of my return, also twice. I've left again and I'm never looking back. He thinks it's ok to treat people like that. I'm not going to be close enough to endure it anymore.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone successfully issued the ultimatum of counseling or separation? I'm in that boat, ready to issue it. I just don't know if this is a fool's errand. My husband has refused all counseling for years, but there is no way for us to stay married if a third party isn't involved. We have a 5 year old daughter, and really, this is the last ditch effort on her behalf. My husband has issues with explosive anger, and without a third party to assist, we're doomed. Anyone successfully get someone to go after numerous refusals with the ultimatum?

Why did you choose him?

That response is so old and tired. You do realize that people do actually change over time?

Left is life .