OP Here-

Sorry, its been a long couple of days!

As to the father's story, its a case of unexpected pregnancy when both were in high school. Lots of drama, rough split (though to be fair to the guy, he immediately got a job and has been very consistent with child support, but never had any interest in having any guardianship of his son. I know he was the first person approached after the mother's arrest, but according to my sister he has a family and doesn't want to upset his wife/ confuse his other kids (younger, considerably).

An update: Thanks so much to whoever suggested the Children's Law Center, we talked to them as soon as we saw your post and they were beyond helpful. Right now, we have decided to have guardianship over him, at least for now. We sat down with my sister and brother in law (the grandparents), as well as with our son and him to talk it over and some other things came out.

Afterwards, my sister confided in me that the main reason that they didn't want to have him stay with them was that my brother in law had recently been diagnosed with a pretty major medical condition a few months ago and they had decided not to tell anyone until now. And this was the main reason they could not really raise their grandson, they were worried that if his condition deteriorated they would not be able to handle it.

Anonymous wrote:Just because you adopt him does not mean the mother will not show up on your doorstep

+1. What is the father's story? He should be taking in his son.

Just because you adopt him does not mean the mother will not show up on your doorstep

I don't think I would do it. Are you even sure you are legally allowed to adopt. It sounds like it would be a foster situation until mom got out of jail.

If it's for 6 more years, the boy will be 18 when his mom gets out of prison. I think you should take on this task and hopefully you can help ease what are the hardest 6 years in a kid's life!

What does the kid want to do?

How old are the grandparents? They could be in fine physical condition but feel that they can't take care of the boy's financial and emotional/psychological needs. If the latter, find out why. They have actually lived with him. Do some trial weekends where he lives at your house and participates in your family life. The worst thing that you can do is bring him into your family and have it end in you and your husband divorcing or causing other disruptions to your household.

Raising him sounds way better than him being raised by elderly grandparents who don't feel up to the task or being placed into foster care.

I think he's old enough to have the various possibilities (guardianship, adoption, etc.) explained to him and for his opinion to count--not determine, but count.

Children's Law Center is really THE place to advise on kinship adoptions in DC. I don't know if they have income caps or where you'd fall in them, but if you were over income I imagine they could suggest some attorneys who might be able to help.

Def go for it. You're family and you're already in the thick of it with a tween-aged boy. I don't have any advice about which legal route to take, however.

Good for you for even considering it. You sound thoughtful and smart. I wish I had some personal experience to lend here, but just wanted to give you a little pat on the back.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is the alternative -- that he go to live with strangers, or would your cousin continue raising him?

I would go for it, OP. It would be better for him to be with someone who wants to raise him than with your cousins. And frankly, if his mother gets out of jail and wants him back, i think you should support that, too, unless she is a big mess. That's what a mother would do -- what was best for the child.

You can do it, even if it means loving this child for several years and then seeing him go back to his mother. The experience will always be a part of you and you will always be a part of him.

An alternative is that the grandparents raise him for six more years with some financial assistance from you.

But they don't want to do that. That's why they're asking OP to take him in.

Maybe with financial help, they can.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is the alternative -- that he go to live with strangers, or would your cousin continue raising him?

I would go for it, OP. It would be better for him to be with someone who wants to raise him than with your cousins. And frankly, if his mother gets out of jail and wants him back, i think you should support that, too, unless she is a big mess. That's what a mother would do -- what was best for the child.

You can do it, even if it means loving this child for several years and then seeing him go back to his mother. The experience will always be a part of you and you will always be a part of him.

An alternative is that the grandparents raise him for six more years with some financial assistance from you.

But they don't want to do that. That's why they're asking OP to take him in.

Anonymous wrote:What is the alternative -- that he go to live with strangers, or would your cousin continue raising him?

I would go for it, OP. It would be better for him to be with someone who wants to raise him than with your cousins. And frankly, if his mother gets out of jail and wants him back, i think you should support that, too, unless she is a big mess. That's what a mother would do -- what was best for the child.

You can do it, even if it means loving this child for several years and then seeing him go back to his mother. The experience will always be a part of you and you will always be a part of him.

An alternative is that the grandparents raise him for six more years with some financial assistance from you.

Anonymous wrote:OP her, thanks for all the advice, keep it coming!

To address some of your concerns:

-We would definitely go the legal route. His dad has given his acceptance for us to adopt him, as has his mom. I wonder whether his mom won't conveniently forget that when her jail term is up, but that is another can of worms.

-His mom is definitely functional, not really a drug addict. She is inconsistent though, she often goes out and gets really drunk and does any drug that happens to be available. She was caught with enough weed and ecstasy to be classified as a drug dealer, but prior to her arrest she had a stable job in an accounting firm. So I'm not too worried about the kid's psychological state.

-My husband already knows, my cousin and her husband came over to discuss it with both of us, and we have a great relationship with them. I'm not sure how to really bring it up with DS as we've tried to not focus on cousin's daughters drug issues.

-Speaking of that, we do know him, as he would often stay with his grandparents (my cousin and her DH) on weekends and holidays when his mother was out drinking/doing drugs. We've known him since he was born, as has DS, and we have a decent relationship with him.

-One of the reasons my cousin came to us was because they want to be sure to maintain a relationship with their grandson, but don't feel like they can do it themselves. They are about to retire. We are completely supportive of this.

So the mom is a "functional" drug addict? What does her former job stability have to do with her son's current psychological state? You can bet that he has issues with parents like these. You need to take off those rose-colored glasses. Strongly recommend you and DH have pre-adoption counseling with a child psychologist experienced in drug addiction before making a decision.

What is the alternative -- that he go to live with strangers, or would your cousin continue raising him?

I would go for it, OP. It would be better for him to be with someone who wants to raise him than with your cousins. And frankly, if his mother gets out of jail and wants him back, i think you should support that, too, unless she is a big mess. That's what a mother would do -- what was best for the child.

You can do it, even if it means loving this child for several years and then seeing him go back to his mother. The experience will always be a part of you and you will always be a part of him.