Anonymous
09/29/2014 18:03
Subject: Completely Lost It on my Teen DD
Mom of a 21-year-old here. It DOES get better. BUT, to the degree you lose it, the trust will take longer to return. If at all possible, don't take the bait, just stay calm, with words like, "I'm not sure moron is the word you're looking for, but I get that you're angry, and I'd be happy to discuss it later." She will remember that, I promise.
Anonymous
09/29/2014 18:01
Subject: Re:Completely Lost It on my Teen DD
OP I think you need to apologize for saying f#$% off to her. Just that. No I lost my temper because of the way you were speaking to me or anything like that. Just an apology for losing it and that there is no excuse.
Do not expect a conversation back. You will be showing her what a mature adult does when he loses his cool and showing her respect. She'll likely not acknowledge it, but she will appreciate it and, one hopes, internalizes it a bit.
FWIW it's worth, I've long maintained that you haven't lived as a parent until you've been told "You are the worst f@#$ing mother (father) in the whole world." Just remember, it's not them talking, it's their illness (adolescence).
Do not expect a conversation back. You will be showing her what a mature adult does when he loses his cool and showing her respect. She'll likely not acknowledge it, but she will appreciate it and, one hopes, internalizes it a bit.
FWIW it's worth, I've long maintained that you haven't lived as a parent until you've been told "You are the worst f@#$ing mother (father) in the whole world." Just remember, it's not them talking, it's their illness (adolescence).
Anonymous
09/29/2014 17:55
Subject: Completely Lost It on my Teen DD
When things get ugly,
write them a brief (very brief) note instead.
write them a brief (very brief) note instead.
Anonymous
09/29/2014 17:53
Subject: Completely Lost It on my Teen DD
Age?
Grade in school?
Grade in school?
Anonymous
09/29/2014 17:48
Subject: Completely Lost It on my Teen DD
Anonymous wrote:OK. Going back through my mind, she did not say "f**king moron," just "you moron!" I've only once heard her actually curse, although I know she does it with all her friends when the 'rents aren't around. I did too. We have had some few and far between good discussions about sex and drugs, but most of the time on the day-to-day stuff like clean up you room, do your homework, etc. she can be a royal PITA!
Naïve PP, here.
On the rare occasions that you have those good discussions and your relationship is porous, could you slip in an "I love you, you know, and I'm proud of who you are and what you're becoming. You're interesting now, and you're really going to be a great adult. We need people like you in this world." Bla bla bla.
I wonder if that stuff will help.
I'm sure I was an insufferable boob (of course, I can't remember the details of this as acutely as my parents might
)... We love each other, though. And now that I'm older and wrinklier, I realize what great, calm, supportive people they've been at every stage of my cranky life.
Anonymous
09/29/2014 17:43
Subject: Completely Lost It on my Teen DD
OK. Going back through my mind, she did not say "f**king moron," just "you moron!" I've only once heard her actually curse, although I know she does it with all her friends when the 'rents aren't around. I did too. We have had some few and far between good discussions about sex and drugs, but most of the time on the day-to-day stuff like clean up you room, do your homework, etc. she can be a royal PITA!
Anonymous
09/29/2014 17:38
Subject: Re:Completely Lost It on my Teen DD
Anonymous wrote:You guys are breaking my heart. So it's really totally to be expected that in 5 years or so my boys will start saying f*%k you and screaming at us?
Maybe not totally expected, but not all that uncommon. (I'm not saying it's good or right or acceptable, but pretty common).
The swearing -- a bit extreme for most kids I know. But the yelling? Things like "go away!" *slams door* or "I hate you!" *annoyed huff* or "you NEVER listen to me!" *stalks off in a huff* or "why do you always treat me like such a BABY?!?!" *pouts like she did when she was a toddler* -- that stuff seems to be relatively common. (again, not saying common = OK).
But there will also be plenty of good, enjoyable, loving times with most teens. And eventually their "terrible teen" (aka terrible twos take two) years will become something they apologize for any you laugh about together. How do I know this even amid the hard times? Because that was me and my mom -- the awful years from age 8 to age 14 or so, the mostly compliant later teen years, and the best friends once I hit my 20s and apologized for being a little jerk/thanked her for not killing me back then.
Anonymous
09/29/2014 16:53
Subject: Re:Completely Lost It on my Teen DD
You guys are breaking my heart. So it's really totally to be expected that in 5 years or so my boys will start saying f*%k you and screaming at us?
Anonymous
09/29/2014 16:24
Subject: Re:Completely Lost It on my Teen DD
It is so painful. She was the BEST little girl. 
Anonymous
09/29/2014 16:23
Subject: Completely Lost It on my Teen DD
Don't get me wrong. I get pissed off too AND I have reacted but I have learned that is EXACTLY what they want. For you to go to their level and get just as mad.
The phone, laundry, dinners are all things I provide that I quietly and easily take away. I also make sure there are none of her favorite foods or toiletries purchased around that time. Not a lot of words need to be said to speak volumes. They are JUST like preschoolers again. Rationalizing with them is useless. Misbehave? Count to 5 and take a deep breath. Take away the toy (iPhone) Ignore the I hate you rants, crying, door slamming etc... Go about your business. If they apologize, positive reinforcement is the goal. Honestly, treat them like preschoolers. It works.
The phone, laundry, dinners are all things I provide that I quietly and easily take away. I also make sure there are none of her favorite foods or toiletries purchased around that time. Not a lot of words need to be said to speak volumes. They are JUST like preschoolers again. Rationalizing with them is useless. Misbehave? Count to 5 and take a deep breath. Take away the toy (iPhone) Ignore the I hate you rants, crying, door slamming etc... Go about your business. If they apologize, positive reinforcement is the goal. Honestly, treat them like preschoolers. It works.
Anonymous
09/29/2014 16:12
Subject: Completely Lost It on my Teen DD
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Could you say, "Hey, I am approaching you with respect and kindness. I am someone who loves you all the time, no matter what, and I'll be here when you need me, no matter what. We will disagree, as all loving people sometimes do. Sometimes we will disagree vehemently, as your dad and I do, and as I sometimes did with my own parents. But we have to find a way to get over that and get along, or else our relationship will get hurt.
If you don't want me to talk to you, I won't. But please say so with a tone of kindness, which I do deserve. We do not need to jump immediately to toxic forms of communication. Because I do love you.
How about you and I just say, "I need a break right now" without going out of our way to hurt the other person's feelings. I don't think you'd like your friends to talk to you that way, and I don't think you'd like me to talk to you that way, either. We can do better."
And bring it up when she's at her snuggliest and most receptive. Usually around bedtime.
Otherwise, I have no idea. I have a little kid. I'm not there yet.
I'm freakin' out!
I actually laughed out loud at my desk when I read this! I have teens, you can deliver your little speech and I'll tell you what will happen---a blank stare and a "f*%k you - don't condescend to me". They are NEVER snuggly!
Yeah this sounds great when your kids are little. If this works with a teenager you really don't have much to worry about.
OP.. I don't know what to say. I have a 23 year old, and we've had our screaming matches. He's run away, come home, run away again... not a fun time.
TRY to maintain your cool. One thing I didn't do was swear at him. (Well, okay I never once told him to "!@#$ off", or anything like that. The occasional "What the HELL were you thinking??" Yes. ) Try to reign in your own response. Since sitting down for a calm discussion about it may not be reasonable, warn her at the time what will happen whether it's no texting, or whatever. Then implement it and stick to your guns, no matter what. Don't threaten with something you aren't prepared to actually do.
Hang in there! She may not improve much but she will move out at some point.
Anonymous
09/29/2014 16:05
Subject: Completely Lost It on my Teen DD
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Could you say, "Hey, I am approaching you with respect and kindness. I am someone who loves you all the time, no matter what, and I'll be here when you need me, no matter what. We will disagree, as all loving people sometimes do. Sometimes we will disagree vehemently, as your dad and I do, and as I sometimes did with my own parents. But we have to find a way to get over that and get along, or else our relationship will get hurt.
If you don't want me to talk to you, I won't. But please say so with a tone of kindness, which I do deserve. We do not need to jump immediately to toxic forms of communication. Because I do love you.
How about you and I just say, "I need a break right now" without going out of our way to hurt the other person's feelings. I don't think you'd like your friends to talk to you that way, and I don't think you'd like me to talk to you that way, either. We can do better."
And bring it up when she's at her snuggliest and most receptive. Usually around bedtime.
Otherwise, I have no idea. I have a little kid. I'm not there yet.
I'm freakin' out!
I actually laughed out loud at my desk when I read this! I have teens, you can deliver your little speech and I'll tell you what will happen---a blank stare and a "f*%k you - don't condescend to me". They are NEVER snuggly!
I'm the naïve PP.
Anonymous
09/29/2014 15:57
Subject: Completely Lost It on my Teen DD
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Could you say, "Hey, I am approaching you with respect and kindness. I am someone who loves you all the time, no matter what, and I'll be here when you need me, no matter what. We will disagree, as all loving people sometimes do. Sometimes we will disagree vehemently, as your dad and I do, and as I sometimes did with my own parents. But we have to find a way to get over that and get along, or else our relationship will get hurt.
If you don't want me to talk to you, I won't. But please say so with a tone of kindness, which I do deserve. We do not need to jump immediately to toxic forms of communication. Because I do love you.
How about you and I just say, "I need a break right now" without going out of our way to hurt the other person's feelings. I don't think you'd like your friends to talk to you that way, and I don't think you'd like me to talk to you that way, either. We can do better."
And bring it up when she's at her snuggliest and most receptive. Usually around bedtime.
Otherwise, I have no idea. I have a little kid. I'm not there yet.
I'm freakin' out!
I actually laughed out loud at my desk when I read this! I have teens, you can deliver your little speech and I'll tell you what will happen---a blank stare and a "f*%k you - don't condescend to me". They are NEVER snuggly!
I'm the naïve PP.
Holy shitballs. I'm in for a RUDE awakening in about, oh... five years.
Anonymous
09/29/2014 15:50
Subject: Completely Lost It on my Teen DD
Who is paying for the phone? That shit needs to be cut off pronto.
Anonymous
09/29/2014 15:46
Subject: Completely Lost It on my Teen DD
My son is not quite there yet, so I recognize that I know nothing about it. However, I would never have cursed at my parents, and I will surely do something drastic if my children ever address themselves to me in that manner. Serious and immediate consequences.