Woah, this is not at all normal or acceptable. I'm really concerned that you typed that you think it is your fault. What he did is totally, completely out of bounds in a marriage and it is not at all your fault.

I think you need to let him know that you cannot stay in your town anymore. You do not have friends or a support system or family there, and you need a better community to build a support system for when he is away with the reserves. How long is his commitment to them? Honestly, I cannot FATHOM my husband making such a commitment without consulting me. We have a 15 month old baby and we wouldn't dream of making a commitment for a Saturday afternoon without talking to each other, much less something that would take us for weeks away from our family.

I think you have to tell him that this is a complete betrayal of your partnership and that you are not sure your marriage can be repaired, but that you hope it can. He must commit to counseling.

I do think you need to see a counselor yourself. If you have to take a few hours off each week to drive to an appointment, maybe your employer would let you flex this time? You really, really need more support than you have now.

This.

i cant believe he would do this when he has a little baby. how is he about fatherhood? is he escaping?

I'm so sorry OP, this is not okay and not normal. Even when DH lost THREE jobs in a row, he did not abandon us. He felt angry and ashamed, but mostly he felt that he wanted to be a better provider and it motivated us as a team (and now he has a great job).

Yes, he is really in the military. I do have an ID. My father was an Air Force colonel so I am not completely in the blind. He was always active duty though so we had a completely different lifestyle.

About where he picked. I'm being vague on purpose. No it's not the only place he could find a job but it was a good place for his career. There is stuff here I would not have imagined. I still would have preferred to move 45 minutes away. He doesn't want the commute though and said I was selfish for wanting him to drive that far every day. But again, I grew up in a biggish city so that isn't a long commute to me. We're renting a house so moving could be on the table if I can convince him how miserable I am here.

Anonymous wrote:
As a man, the only way I can even begin the comprehend such a decision is that he was so upset, and ashamed, about being unemployed that he just took some kind of "respectable" job, or maybe his age was getting close to the cut-off. That still doesn't justify it and OP has every right to be furious.

I feel like this might be it (the ashamed part not the age part).