Anonymous wrote:Honestly...your friends seems to be making it worse than it really is. I can't imagine how these run of the mill issues are causing such a problem unless your friend is making it worse.

I dunno- she makes it sound pretty bad. I can't imagine my dh and not being a team and making decisions tg. She doesn't seem to have that with him. He's so susceptible to guilt, and he never forms his own opinion and sticks to it....very wishy washy.

Example- he "could never decide" what type of wedding he wanted. My friend wanted small, so he agreed. Told mil and she cried that she wanted a big wedding for them. So he went to my friend and told her now he wants big. Back and forth, ad nauseum. Seems silly, but imagine that kind of wishy washy behavior for every decision!! I can't.

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you married?

I think that's important for your perception of the situation.

If I didn't catch it op, but you mentioned it, my apologies

I am

OP, are you married?

I think that's important for your perception of the situation.

If I didn't catch it op, but you mentioned it, my apologies

Honestly...your friends seems to be making it worse than it really is. I can't imagine how these run of the mill issues are causing such a problem unless your friend is making it worse.

Anonymous wrote:There are probably a million and a half posts about horrible MILs on DCUM. This doesn't sound too out of the ordinary.

Also OP are you really a "friend" or DW? You seem to have way too much vested in this.

Haha I really am the friend. No reason to lie or pretend. Why does it seem like I have too much vested? We speak every day, multiple times a day. Isn't that what best friends do? Want nothing but happiness for each other, listen to each other's troubles, and offer advice?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Myob

+1000. OP sounds like a busy body flake who would just like to precipitate more drama.

Why would I want drama? She's like a sister to me. We've been friends for 18 years.

There are probably a million and a half posts about horrible MILs on DCUM. This doesn't sound too out of the ordinary.

Also OP are you really a "friend" or DW? You seem to have way too much vested in this.

Anonymous wrote:Myob

+1000. OP sounds like a busy body flake who would just like to precipitate more drama.

There is nothing you can do except be there for her and distract her from her misery when she is down.

Seriously, nothing you can do. She will go through what she has to go through and you will have the ringside view of the whole sorry drama.

Well do the best you can OP. Sounds like your best friend is counting on you to either find a resolution for her or convince her get a divorce. Whichever direction you decide to point her remember she's your best friend so it's your responsibility to manage her life so don't let anything deter you from your duties.

i have suggested it and she has told me her dh isn't really interested in counseling.

a couple quick data points to show the nature of the boundary pushing:

-mil bragged to friend that she "ran off" the last girlfriend
-friend and dh decided together on the very unique small wedding they wanted to have. mil said she would disown him and stop speaking to him, so in turn dh catered to what mil wanted
-friend's parents have been very generous with them financially. dh hides it from his parents b/c he says it will make them even more upset that he has a close relationship with her family.
-mil wanted to have a reception for them in her hometown. she picked a date without consulting with their schedules. when dh told mil that date didnt work for very personal reasons for his new wife's medical reasons, mil asked her to reschedule whatever personal issue she had, bc the venue and date were locked.

Anonymous wrote:ahh i was waiting for you, official obnoxious person.

dont think it's intruding on someone's relationship when they are asking you for advice and calling you upset.

it was never my job to ensure her, or anyone's happiness.

was simply asking if anyone else has felt this way or could relate.

have a lovely day!

Well obviously if you've resorted to posing hypotheticals on an anonymous forum for feedback you aren't exactly equipped to offer any advice sooooooo...
Butt out.
Tell her you're as dumbfounded about the direction to a solution as she is and suggest she stop asking you for advice and talk to a professional counselor.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here-

when i say "they punted issues bc they were tired of fighting", i mean during the engagement/wedding planning process that she would call me hysterically crying and upset night after night because of arguments, 99% of the time over boundaries with his mother/parents, and her response to me was always:

"i just want to get this wedding over with already."

it seems to me that she didn't see (or want to see) that the issues weren't going to magically go away after the wedding. the issues preceded the engagement, and would continue to persist after the marriage. the issues weren't just 'wedding issues.'

anyhoo, i will always support her bc she is my best friend. and part of that means reading her latest texts today about how dh is choosing his parents over her again. sigh.

That sucks, OP. That said, weddings do seem to bring out the best in people, such that any issues that exist outside the event itself get amplified.

Do they live in the same town as the parents?

they do not live in same town as his parents, but live in same town as her parents. his parents were cold and distant during the wedding and even pulled him aside at some point to say: "we barely know her."

also, she and her dh often spend time with her parents since they are local, and dh's parents have expressed jealousy over the close relationship he has with her parents.

trouble all around.

When your friend is venting to you, maybe you should suggest that she and her husband go to counseling to figure out how to deal with their in law issues. They sound pretty run of the mill to me. I actually am kind of confused as to how her husband even has much opportunity to "choose his parents over her". What is the nature of the boundary pushing? Maybe your friend is just venting.

I think my bff married the wrong guy too! For exactly all the reasons you stated. It's hard to watch it and it's even harder since we're best friends and my marriage is awesome. She complains even more when she compares our marriages and I feel badly...

Anonymous wrote:Let's see what are the options here...

A) - confront the husband and tell him to cut the cord; could work but in all likelihood will just pose a problem and cause a rift in your friendship.
Scratch that one.

B) - confront the husband's mother and tell her to back off; again, could work but in all likelihood will just pose a problem and cause a rift in your friendship.
Scratch that one.

C) - express your concerns with your friend; sounds like you already did this and sounds like she is already aware of the problem in her relationship sooooooooo...
Sounds like only remaining option is

D) Butt out. You yourself said he's not abusive or neglectful or controlling or a bad guy - he just has some maturing to do; something you could try as well. Hard as it may be to accept your best friend is now someone's husband which sadly means you don't get to intrude upon every facet of her relationship anymore. It's HIS job to ensure her happiness now not yours and while he may be bumbling at the moment as he is still her husband so respect his right to get it right and butt out.

ahh i was waiting for you, official obnoxious person.

dont think it's intruding on someone's relationship when they are asking you for advice and calling you upset.

it was never my job to ensure her, or anyone's happiness.

was simply asking if anyone else has felt this way or could relate.

have a lovely day!