My 14 year-old also has a health problem that leaves her vulnerable to seeing her whole future change in an instant if (or when, unfortunately-- in spite of the precautions to which everyone agreed she's been hurt by carelessness at school twice and can't ever completely recover) her care isn't handled properly.

It helps our relationship, I guess, that she's now old enough to understand a lot about what she needs to do and has managed to prioritize her health pretty darn maturely lately. But when the troubles started she was 9, and she was very frustrated about having to live with so many more restrictions than her friends.

I understand OP's anxiety, too. After all, there's NOTHING more important than one's child's safety, and it's very hard to have to be the lone mature adult constantly battling a complacent world to ensure it. I imagine that those of you who insulted OP have children with less sensitive health situations and don't have to constantly live in fear of a specific and even fairly likely "bad thing" that could take your child from you if there's just one misstep.

OP, it is a truth nearly universally acknowledged that motherhood is a thankless job. Sadly, you just need to absorb the age-appropriate ingratitude and continue to do what you know you must. One day, your daughter will understand. But you're not doing any of this for the sake of that eventual gratitude-- your doing it so she'll have a future.

OP, I also have a daughter with several life threatening allergies. Around 8 she kind of realized the social implications of her allergies. She would never be a "normal" kid. There would never be an outing with friends, a party, a date, etc that she could go to without drawing attention to the fact she was different. She was pretty down about it and kind of holed herself up.

I also get the tendency to be over protective. You can't help if after you've seen your child whisked away in an ambulance because she was exposed to an allergen. But, you have to let them have some freedom. She can walk to the bus stop by herself, she can be responsible with turning in things, you don't need to check in on her at school, etc.

As for the "not Sharing values" thing, it doesn't sound like she's doing anything wrong. She might be dealing with some depression or anxiety or just not feeling totally happy. Maybe try talking to her about how she's feeling instead of thinking she's just a brat.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your feelings are hurt over a lunch, you are in for a long and difficult journey, my friend.

My kids are grown and out of the house, except for our youngest. At least one of them hated me pretty much all the time. Oh well. I'm not here to be their friends. I have plenty of friends. My kids have plenty of friends. My job is to parent.

My adult children like me again now that they are grown. My 14 year old still hates me about 75% of the time. You can tell I'm all broken up over it.

LOL! Hey! Me too!

Then they squeeze me extra hard before going to school (even my 12 year old!). So, I know it's all good.

Last week I managed to piss all three kids off during the 5 minute ride home. All for different reasons. When we pulled up to the curb no one was talking. Joyful!

I gave DH the run down and he poured us a glass of wine as toast! Cheers to parenthood.

*Also stop hovering so much.*

Get a life! Really. Like a real one. Yours. Not your child's.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is 8, and always have been challenging, strong will and difficult. She has multiple life threatening food allergies, so since young, I have been fixing lunch for her to go out. I am sensing that now she is at an age where friends are more important than family. She told me that I am embarrassing her by walking her to the bus stop or showing up at school unannounced. She literally rolled her eyes at me when she saw me dropping off medical forms in her school. She wants everything that her classmates have, including school lunch. I cringed just thinking of her picking up food she is allergic too. She is also a slow eater. She hardly has time to finish the lunch I have prepared for her, but now she is asking for dessert and treats to be included in the lunchbag, just like her friends. Most of all, I think she wants the freedom to eat what her classmates are having. When she came home from school, all that she wanted to do is just read. She ignores everything and everyone, but get extremely annoyed/jeolous when her young brother did something good that won my praise. I thought she is turning into someone I know less and less of and does not share my values. I thought 8 is a very sweet age. She is sweet, when she is in school or outside of the house. I think I am failing this mother-daughter relationship.

She's 8. Give her some space and don't take it personally.

This -- and I am saying this lovingly. I am sure you are used to hovering close by because of her medical issues, PERFECTLY UNDERSTANDABLE. But the kid wants space. Try not to take it personally. And as a pp noted, find a dessert that won't kill her, you can do it.
I never thought 8 was going to be sweet, I actually figured it was going to be annoying, and it can be. Mommy-daughter can be rough. Mine is almost 10 and what I am learning is to temper my reactions, that seems to defuse the situation. You cannot have a fight with someone if you refuse to engage. Good Luck!

Understand at this age kids will throw you under the bus.

It continues through teenage years. For the sake of their friends and fitting in, and finding their own identity you, your feelings, your reputation will be sacrificed.

It's normal. Remember it's not about you. You're got to be the bigger person always. Your child's daughter is not to stroke your need for emotional attachment. Your child has a much greater need to establish her own identity - to try out different roles and personalities - and sometimes that will hurt you.

OP: This is not symbolic of her assessment or relationship with you. STOP IT. This isn't about YOU.

This is about her being sad that she can't be like other kids. This is about HER. If you want that sweet tender 8 y.o. relationship, you have to focus on her, not yourself, and stop taking things personally--it's NOT symbolic.

A famous saying, "Sometimes a cigar is only a cigar." (meaning, not symbolic of anything sexual). It means, you shouldn't go to that deeper meaning when there is none.

And btw, I try to feed my 9 and 11 y.o. healthy lunches and it IS difficult. It will always be difficult when you are trying for healthy and they are looking at their friends' who have junk. Allergies or no. Imagine if you went to lunch with friends *every day!* and *every day* you are trying to eat your salad with chicken on top, and someone's got the hot buttered rolls, pasta and the chocolate cake.

Anonymous wrote:Stop going to her school so much. Surely you can give her the forms to drop off at the office. Stop walking her to the bus stop. Find a dessert she can eat without dying.

This, exactly. What is the problem?

Some of you are being too harsh.

OP, ask your daughter specifically what food her friends have that she would like. Then look up these items and see if she can have the same or similar. For example, she might not be able to have Oreos, but there is a gluten-free imitation oreos that look just like the real ones.

Regarding the bus stop, are other parents at the bus stop? Can she sometimes go alone?

Mom, I didn't know you were on DCUM. It's just a peanut butter sandwich, not our entire relationship.

I have a similar situation with an 8 yo with food allergies who cannot eat what everyone else eats. My child has actually become depressed and acts out because of this. I realize that theoretically you would think a child would be happy to eat more than rice and beans like in some countries, but that is not the way kids work. We actually are in therapy because the food allergies have led to very low self esteem, self-loathing, unhappiness, etc. When they write, they write about food - its a cry for help and trying to work through their feelings. Take it seriously. Now that they are 8 they are realizing how much it sucks not being able to eat what others can.

Anonymous wrote:If your feelings are hurt over a lunch, you are in for a long and difficult journey, my friend.

My kids are grown and out of the house, except for our youngest. At least one of them hated me pretty much all the time. Oh well. I'm not here to be their friends. I have plenty of friends. My kids have plenty of friends. My job is to parent.

My adult children like me again now that they are grown. My 14 year old still hates me about 75% of the time. You can tell I'm all broken up over it.

LOL! Hey! Me too!

Then they squeeze me extra hard before going to school (even my 12 year old!). So, I know it's all good.

My son does not like my lunches either and I know it. He is a very finicky eater. So, I fix him a large breakfast, his favorite meal of the, for him each morning which might include two slices of buttered raison toast or pancakes, omelet loaded with tomatoes, onions, ham and cheese, bagel and cream cheese. That way, even if he does not eat the lunch I prepare for him, I know he has had a hearty breakfast and can wait until he gets home, which he will eat a large snack and dinner. The think is, OP, I know he does not like most if not all the things I fix him for lunch. I does not bother me. My goal is to make sure he has enough food in him to get him through the day even if he skips my yucky lunches, which I think are quite good. I would completely agree if I read DS' essay on how he dislikes my lunches. He's just telling the truth...

Anonymous wrote:If your feelings are hurt over a lunch, you are in for a long and difficult journey, my friend.

My kids are grown and out of the house, except for our youngest. At least one of them hated me pretty much all the time. Oh well. I'm not here to be their friends. I have plenty of friends. My kids have plenty of friends. My job is to parent.

My adult children like me again now that they are grown. My 14 year old still hates me about 75% of the time. You can tell I'm all broken up over it.

I agree with the bolded. I have a 14 year old and a 9 year old. I always say this, parenting is not for the faint of heart. I suggest you toughen up!

as i was told by my BIL who is 20 years older and whose kids are grown -- pace yourself! adolescence is coming and it's an up and down road! don't take things so personally; pick your battles; don't battle when you're tired or hungry or late. it's ok, OP, your cutie pie kindergartener is being replaced by the older version of herself. it happens to the best of us!