Now, if I had a good solution for stopping my mom from calling me 3 times a day to talk about her cats....

I love this ~

OP,

I just read that Lena Dunham, who is 28 and financially independent, speaks to her mother every day.

Do what works for you! It's a suggestion, the one call a week. My son just started college. We text a few times a week, speak on the weekends. That works for us. He is super independent!

I'm another parent who can vouch for the fact that your child will soon find her own circle of friends and become less dependent on you. When we first dropped DD off last year, she texted me several times a day for a month or two. Now she's got a crazy schedule of friends and activities, and we're down to a few texts a week, often about logistical things, and then a weekly Skype.

Yes to the idea of feeling like you're participating in her life, without pushing yourself on her, by by things like reading the campus blog and newspaper. It's like learning about her new life without stalking her directly. You can also follow her on social media to which she's given you access (my kids let me see their FBs). But bear in mind that my kids say that their generation is leaving Facebook in droves (partly because we're on it) and now it's all about Instagram, other social media, and even something called Yik Yak.

Now, if I had a good solution for stopping my mom from calling me 3 times a day to talk about her cats....

YOu can stalk them on Facebook. I don't think I'm alone in concerns that my college student seems to be having a little too much fun.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My biggest piece of advice to you is to forget about one person (who has no idea about you, your daughter, or your relationship) tells you you "should" be doing. If your DD wants to keep in contact, let her. How on Earth is that a bad thing?

Completely agree. My mom and I have always been very close. I'm now in my mid-40's and consider her my best friend. We enjoy talking all the time and I am in no way an "emotionally stunted" adult! In fact, I'm probably a healthier adult than I would have been without my mom's influence and perspective. Chatting often with one's parent(s) while in high school, college, and beyond is a great thing, not something to be ashamed of or worried about.

Wow, that is awesome. Coming from a completely dysfunction family, I try hard to raise my DD (now 17) to have a close relationship with me, while also being independent. What is it about your mom that makes you want to be close to her, while also being emotionally healthy yourself?

She's just an all-around great person with a wonderful sense of humor and terrific outlook on life. I learned from her the kind of people to look for in my own circle of friends. I'm sure if you model that kind of behavior for your daughter, she'll always want to be close to you while at the same time forging her own independence. The two are definitely not mutually exclusive!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My biggest piece of advice to you is to forget about one person (who has no idea about you, your daughter, or your relationship) tells you you "should" be doing. If your DD wants to keep in contact, let her. How on Earth is that a bad thing?

Completely agree. My mom and I have always been very close. I'm now in my mid-40's and consider her my best friend. We enjoy talking all the time and I am in no way an "emotionally stunted" adult! In fact, I'm probably a healthier adult than I would have been without my mom's influence and perspective. Chatting often with one's parent(s) while in high school, college, and beyond is a great thing, not something to be ashamed of or worried about.

Wow, that is awesome. Coming from a completely dysfunction family, I try hard to raise my DD (now 17) to have a close relationship with me, while also being independent. What is it about your mom that makes you want to be close to her, while also being emotionally healthy yourself?

It is a lot less difficult to speak/ communicate long distance than it used to be. I talk to my mom every day (I am almost 40) but I didnt in college because we didn't have cell phones, etc. She is probably also texting and talking to her high school friends whereas "back in my day" we wrote letters and were starting to email. Those friendships often took a back burner to the new college friends I was making. For me, that would be the big thing to encourage--making new friends. Listen to what she is talking about--is she still talking about high school friends or new people at college. Use your daily talks to find out if she is beginning to make new friends and relationships or if she is clinging to old ones at the expense of the new ones. You can be the consistent and supportive voice that asks her about her college friends and her college clubs. You will (hopefully) be in her life for a long long time and don't discourage that. But encourage her to get out and meet people and do things. With unlimited texting and calling, shy kids can retreat to their rooms and just continue the relationships they have and that is kind of a bummer.

Sometimes the dynamic is such that we hear the worries, the bad stuff and then don't hear when things improve. My "kids" call when they are sick. I worry about them. They are both hundreds of miles away. When sick, the best thing I've begun to do it ask them, "what are you doing now?" "Oh, I'm walking across campus to class". OK then, there's a big difference between up-and-walking and functioning, and being flat-on-their-back sick.

Anonymous wrote:OP again, and thanks, I will relax about this. My view may be colored by the fact that I had a roommate in college, and this was in the 80s, who talked to her mother every day, at length. This woman was emotionally stunted in some ways and it just didn't seem like a good thing. I also think there is something to the idea that my generation of parents has been over involved in our children's lives.

I am particularly heartened by the posts that this level of contact diminishes over time. Don't get me wrong, I miss my daughter. But I also get a great deal of joy from watching her out in the world exercising independence and I want to see that continue.

OP, it's really good to be aware of this. I talked to my mom a lot in college and was emotionally stunted because of it. Other factors also played into it. The most important thing is to have a healthy relationship. It sounds like from your original post that your daughter shouldn't rely on you so much. It's hard being in a new place, especially if her close friends are at other schools.

Above all: encourage DD to make friends! And if she ever comes to you with a dilemma, ask what her friends think about the situation. If she hasn't told them yet, then encourage her to do so (as long as it's appropriate). Refrain from gossiping with her about her friends. You don't want her to be that girl who is always on the phone with her mom or other non-school friends and therefore has no time to make friends there.

Anonymous wrote:My biggest piece of advice to you is to forget about one person (who has no idea about you, your daughter, or your relationship) tells you you "should" be doing. If your DD wants to keep in contact, let her. How on Earth is that a bad thing?

Completely agree. My mom and I have always been very close. I'm now in my mid-40's and consider her my best friend. We enjoy talking all the time and I am in no way an "emotionally stunted" adult! In fact, I'm probably a healthier adult than I would have been without my mom's influence and perspective. Chatting often with one's parent(s) while in high school, college, and beyond is a great thing, not something to be ashamed of or worried about.

Anonymous wrote:Curious, adults who talk to their parents multiple times daily...what do you talk about? I wouldn't have anything new to say that often.

I'm one of those adults who talks daily to her parents They live across country and my kids are their only grandchildren. They are obsessed about them and want to know pretty much every little detail, from how was Larla's swim practice to how did little Johnny do on his test. My kids, actually, like this sort of interest from them. DH' parents are very different, they live nearby, hardly ever call, forgot their grandson's birthday last month.

I'm an adult (not a college student) but I still talk to my mom daily. We mostly gossip and talk about our life/friends. She's truly my best friend. She doesn't tell me how to run my life. And we have boundaries. Ie I would never bad mouth DH to her and she doesn't complain about my dad to me.

That's good to hear, op. I think one thing that truly helped kids become independent adults is simply believing they have it in them to do it. It is truly a blessing when a kid has the freedom to become independent while knowing they still have a soft place to fall. Best wishes!

OP again, and thanks, I will relax about this. My view may be colored by the fact that I had a roommate in college, and this was in the 80s, who talked to her mother every day, at length. This woman was emotionally stunted in some ways and it just didn't seem like a good thing. I also think there is something to the idea that my generation of parents has been over involved in our children's lives.

I am particularly heartened by the posts that this level of contact diminishes over time. Don't get me wrong, I miss my daughter. But I also get a great deal of joy from watching her out in the world exercising independence and I want to see that continue.

Anonymous wrote:My biggest piece of advice to you is to forget about one person (who has no idea about you, your daughter, or your relationship) tells you you "should" be doing. If your DD wants to keep in contact, let her. How on Earth is that a bad thing?

+1. I think it's great. Also, you have to distance yourself from the dean's comments. Her comments were self-serving because the colleges and universities get tied up in September with velcro parents who hang around the campus. Some campuses have started enforcing rigid rules, like parents are off-campus by x date, because the administrators found the older parents wanted to hang around, go to class, make trouble about roommates.