Anonymous
Post 09/17/2014 16:47     Subject: Husband staying with me because of the kids?!
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:As a man I will tell you what he means. He'd rather stay unhappy with you and his family than face the unknown alone. However, if the unknown becomes known and turns out to be a better option, then he will seriously consider leaving. Translation: if another woman comes into his life, he might leave but as of now, he doesn't have anyone else and isn't really looking.

Your DH probably values family and the commitment he made when getting married to you. This is a good sign but don't take it for granted.


For me it's not the fear of the unknown, it's the commitment to my children. I don't want them to have a broken home, I don't want to see them part time, so I'm willing to suck it up. But the day after the youngest finishes high school, I am gone.


My college roommates' parents did just that. It fucked her and her brother up. They said they felt like their entire childhood was a lie. They were both estranged from their parents for some time after. Their father immediately took up with a woman he knew during the marriage. Not pretty.


my dh's parents did this. sounds like it was worse than splitting when the kids were young. it's also difficult when you start navigating your own romantic relationships to have this hurled at you. add to that the stresses that come with aging parents, and it's a big mess.
Anonymous
Post 09/17/2014 16:38     Subject: Husband staying with me because of the kids?!
Anonymous wrote:As a man I will tell you what he means. He'd rather stay unhappy with you and his family than face the unknown alone. However, if the unknown becomes known and turns out to be a better option, then he will seriously consider leaving. Translation: if another woman comes into his life, he might leave but as of now, he doesn't have anyone else and isn't really looking.

Your DH probably values family and the commitment he made when getting married to you. This is a good sign but don't take it for granted.


as another guy, I can tell you this poster is 100% correct.
Anonymous
Post 09/17/2014 10:39     Subject: Husband staying with me because of the kids?!
OP, what are you doing arguing about politics and music? That's shit 20-year-olds do, or what you do on a first date. My husband and I differ politically. It doesn't matter as we both want the same things for our kids, other kids for them to play with, activities we all enjoy as a family, a community that we can all be emotionally invested in, and that will invest in us, you get the idea. Are your political arguments really code for differing on what you two want out of life, marriage... All this being said, you do have a right to know what he's thinking about. He can't just shut down after dropping a bomb like that. Is he having an affair, or thinking about one? Is he feeling run down by the routine of life? You also have the right to express what you want. Do you want sex with him or with others? Do you want vacations? Do you want to work or stay home with the kids? Don't let him dictate the terms of the marriage or leave you in a state of limbo which is what it sounds like he's doing now. As for counceling, I view it like seeing a physical doctor. If you aren't being helped, find a different one. I've known people who have bennifitted hugely from counceling. I've also known people who use it as a reason to do nothing and get away with it. "I'm not withholding sex, we're in counceling" "I'm not spending too much money, I'm in counceling to talk about why I spend the way I do". Make sure your councelor meets your needs for healing if you go down that path.
Anonymous
Post 09/17/2014 00:06     Subject: Husband staying with me because of the kids?!
DCUMers believe marriage is until death or at least the youngest kid's high school graduation. Apparently that on,y applies to the wife, since they are tellong you to do whatever it takes to keep DH chained to the house regardless.

My 2 cents: he wants out. Let. Him. Go.
Anonymous
Post 09/16/2014 22:20     Subject: Husband staying with me because of the kids?!
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:As a man I will tell you what he means. He'd rather stay unhappy with you and his family than face the unknown alone. However, if the unknown becomes known and turns out to be a better option, then he will seriously consider leaving. Translation: if another woman comes into his life, he might leave but as of now, he doesn't have anyone else and isn't really looking.

Your DH probably values family and the commitment he made when getting married to you. This is a good sign but don't take it for granted.


For me it's not the fear of the unknown, it's the commitment to my children. I don't want them to have a broken home, I don't want to see them part time, so I'm willing to suck it up. But the day after the youngest finishes high school, I am gone.


Yup, I am thinking that too!
Anonymous
Post 09/16/2014 21:51     Subject: Husband staying with me because of the kids?!
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:As a man I will tell you what he means. He'd rather stay unhappy with you and his family than face the unknown alone. However, if the unknown becomes known and turns out to be a better option, then he will seriously consider leaving. Translation: if another woman comes into his life, he might leave but as of now, he doesn't have anyone else and isn't really looking.

Your DH probably values family and the commitment he made when getting married to you. This is a good sign but don't take it for granted.


For me it's not the fear of the unknown, it's the commitment to my children. I don't want them to have a broken home, I don't want to see them part time, so I'm willing to suck it up. But the day after the youngest finishes high school, I am gone.


My college roommates' parents did just that. It fucked her and her brother up. They said they felt like their entire childhood was a lie. They were both estranged from their parents for some time after. Their father immediately took up with a woman he knew during the marriage. Not pretty.
Anonymous
Post 09/16/2014 21:13     Subject: Husband staying with me because of the kids?!
Anonymous wrote:As a man I will tell you what he means. He'd rather stay unhappy with you and his family than face the unknown alone. However, if the unknown becomes known and turns out to be a better option, then he will seriously consider leaving. Translation: if another woman comes into his life, he might leave but as of now, he doesn't have anyone else and isn't really looking.

Your DH probably values family and the commitment he made when getting married to you. This is a good sign but don't take it for granted.


For me it's not the fear of the unknown, it's the commitment to my children. I don't want them to have a broken home, I don't want to see them part time, so I'm willing to suck it up. But the day after the youngest finishes high school, I am gone.
Anonymous
Post 09/16/2014 20:21     Subject: Husband staying with me because of the kids?!
I rarely post here but as a mom of twins both dh and I said and acted horribly to each other during the first couple of years. It was our love for our kids and each other that helped us survive as a couple. Now that they are in elementary school we finally are breathing again. Twins put way more stress on a marriage than singletons do. Hang in there and good luck.
Anonymous
Post 09/16/2014 17:06     Subject: Husband staying with me because of the kids?!
Just another note OP. If you are going to consider separating, it is better to do it when kids are young, then to build a life of resentment and/or unhealthy undercurrents with them. Just something to consider. It is a matter of preference I suppose, because some people do it, but if it were me I would rather be either all in or all out. No in-between.
Anonymous
Post 09/16/2014 17:04     Subject: Husband staying with me because of the kids?!
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:7 month old twins put a lot of stress on the marriage. Are they sleeping through the night yet?

Read the OP. It's a lot deeper than that.


+1

I think that there is something to be said if you are both willing to accept yourselves with your differences and stay committed to your vows. But if you are staying married at the expense of breaking all of the other vows, perhaps it is better to consider whether marriage is really best for you. You should both consider counseling, individually or together. There is a huge lifestyle change that just occurred with the babies, but there were already signals that justify having a discussion on ways to improve communication/lifestyle.
Anonymous
Post 09/16/2014 17:00     Subject: Re:Husband staying with me because of the kids?!
Anonymous wrote:He's tired of the drama.

Get to a counselor and figure out how to communicate rather than fight.


I agree. You'll benefit from this type of counseling whether you stay together or not because you two are hooked together for a very long time whether you like it or not.

My DH has a friend that sounds like you and your husband. We knew before they were married that it was a bad match because they are so very different and don't complement one another. He wanted a family and thought he could make it work so they got married. After a year, he knew it was a mistake. He and his wife enjoy some things together but not enough to outweigh their differences and not enoug to sustain a relationship. He was about to request a separation/divorce when his wife found out she was pregnant with twins. He's now just staying for the kids. His love for them and his desire to not have to give up time with them outweigh his need/desire to have a satisfactory romantic relationship - for now.
Anonymous
Post 09/16/2014 15:01     Subject: Husband staying with me because of the kids?!
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:As a man I will tell you what he means. He'd rather stay unhappy with you and his family than face the unknown alone. However, if the unknown becomes known and turns out to be a better option, then he will seriously consider leaving. Translation: if another woman comes into his life, he might leave but as of now, he doesn't have anyone else and isn't really looking.

Your DH probably values family and the commitment he made when getting married to you. This is a good sign but don't take it for granted.


1000000000000000000000000000000000000000000% AGREE!

I was the guy that just posted my wife doesn't cook nor clean!


I will also add that he may have an affair and leave you only to find himself in the same situation... not happy, because he seems really high maintenance and never happy and always blaming others (ie, wife/kids).


+1,00000

It will be new and oh so happy (like it was with first wife)....then he will grow to hate the next one over time.
Anonymous
Post 09/16/2014 13:17     Subject: Re:Husband staying with me because of the kids?!
He's tired of the drama.

Get to a counselor and figure out how to communicate rather than fight.
Anonymous
Post 09/16/2014 12:59     Subject: Husband staying with me because of the kids?!
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:As a man I will tell you what he means. He'd rather stay unhappy with you and his family than face the unknown alone. However, if the unknown becomes known and turns out to be a better option, then he will seriously consider leaving. Translation: if another woman comes into his life, he might leave but as of now, he doesn't have anyone else and isn't really looking.

Your DH probably values family and the commitment he made when getting married to you. This is a good sign but don't take it for granted.


I was just going to say the same thing. I've been an OW a few times where the men had older kids and said they loved their wives but mostly they did not want to leave their kids. They were actually really good fathers and husbands, except for, you know, the cheating. If men aren't happy but won't leave, they usually cheat. Just imho.

But Op, first off, stand back and take a breather for a minute. The first year after having your first child is easily the most stressful period in any marriage. And you guys had not one child, but two, at the same time. Just that fact alone statistically increases your chance for ending up in divorce.

And you were both already fighting a lot to begin with. However, by his words I would say he's reached a breaking point.

So, it's time for you two to fix things so that you're both happy. Figure out why you want to stay together and what you like about each other. Go to couples counseling. Your post went on and on about the arguments you have, but nothing about why you like him, why you're better off together. Focus on the positive things about each other.

You have two little people in the world now who are going to be looking to both of you as role models. You owe it to them to get yourselves figured out and happy. Whether it's staying together or getting divorced, do one or the other, but make sure you're both doing it because it makes you happy. Don't let a man stay with you "for the kids." That is a half life. It's not fair to you, or to him, or the kids.


One day they will tire of you too.

In fact- the divorce rates go up for each consecutive marriage, e.g., 50% first, 65% second, 75% third.

I love women that think they're all that and break up a 15-20+ year marriage. I am sure the wife could tell you quite a few things about 'Prince Charming'.

Who wants a dude that bashes his wife? Second-hand goods.

Anonymous
Post 09/16/2014 12:46     Subject: Husband staying with me because of the kids?!
Why are you arguing about music? Seriously. Is one of you the thought police who insists the other must be a mirror image of opinions? That's a waste of time and energy and is only successful in making you both completely miserable. Take the time to appreciate differences. I promise it will make you happier.