Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your MIL is being very passive aggressive. She is an adult. Her DH is married to you. She should have kept her opinion of you and your mother's relationship to herself, but she didn't and now you know. No one should disrespect some one else's mother in a family situation. Your MIL has a problem. That said, you probably will not be able to fix it. Coldly polite is really not acceptable-- that is adult bullying. I would avoid having them over together by not inviting MIL. You cannot make them be friends, but it sounds like it goes far beyond that.

This is nuts. Your MIL is not the villain and "punishing" her only really affects the grandchildren. Why does she have to like your mother ?? As long as she is polite, which you have already said she is, then what's the problem? Stop acting like a child having a temper tantrum!! Your MIL is at least an adult in explaining to your DH how she feels.

Stop trying to manipulate the situation.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A few things:

1) Have your mother and MIL interact as little as possible. That means MIL doesn't get to come over when your mom comes to visit, unless it's something like a child's birthday or celebrating a major holiday. Just don't overlap. If your mom lives far away, MIL can deal with not seeing you for a week while she visits.

2) You see your MIL more than once a week? That's a lot. I think it's totally ok to have her a bit less involved in your lives, particularly as the kids get older and busier. Less interaction may actually help you deal with this better. And, please, it's not punishing anyone to see them three times a month instead of six. That's still a good deal of time.

3) You can't fix this. I think people often put really high expectations on IL relationships, when if we just hoped for friendly we'd all do a lot better. Accept the reality you got, rather than the dream that you wanted.

4) I wonder if DH really did you any favors telling you some of the details of those conversations. It's not like you and MIL are going to talk about it, so there's not much you can do other than try to drop it and move on. And, frankly, your MIL is insane if she can't just shut up and be grateful that you guys live close by and that she gets to see the grandkids all the time thanks to her gracious DIL. Sheesh.

This PP has a lot of good advice, but I think what this boils down to is the bolded. I also wish my MIL and mother got along better than they do. My mother felt slighted when my MIL didn't invite her to my BIL's rehearsal dinner and asked if she would babysit our daughter during the dinner...it's been almost three years and my mother has been very chilly to my MIL ever since. I definitely understand my mom's feelings were hurt, but she's also one to keep a hurt and turn it into a grudge, and that's sad to me. But I also realize I can't make her want to go out to lunch with my MIL, so I don't press it. Trying to control another person's behavior is so frustrating, OP - don't get caught up in it.

I am the OP. The advice above is fantastic! Thank you! I have to say I was really shocked about all the comments saying I was out of line, but in a way it's good to hear.

Some thoughts:

She wanted my DH to tell me about the conversation. Specifically to stop mentioning my mother as a saint and asking her to be nicer to her.
My Mil is civil as in she doesn't refuse to be in the same room as my mom, but she says hello, and leaves. This isn't polite to me.

My Sister has both sets of families close by and they have eachother over for holidays, etc. and I am jealous of that. But I just need to accept that this won't happen for me. And I do realize it could be worse.

It just bothers me that my MIL has this idea about my mom that totally constricts with how I view my mother. She also 100 percent believes she did something which I don't think she did (related to wedding) and that bothers me.

I also feel it's unfair that she gets to hold the grudge, but I Have to treat her perfectly. It is clear to me know that my only option is to get over it, but why can't that be her option? There are lots of people in my life I don't like, but put on a happy face to my things easier.

Anonymous wrote:I'm of two minds here. You are both wrong.

Your MIL is wrong to hold a grudge about something that happened at a wedding. She is petty and immature. She is also wrong for asking you why you respect and love your own mother more than her. Ridiculous. It's your own mother!! Of course you have a deeper love and respect for her.

You, however, are wrong for trying to get some kind of relationship going here and thinking that this needs to be work for them. It doesn't. It's just fine that they are polite to each other and civil. They don't need to be friends just because you love them. Not everyone in your life is going to like each other.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A few things:

1) Have your mother and MIL interact as little as possible. That means MIL doesn't get to come over when your mom comes to visit, unless it's something like a child's birthday or celebrating a major holiday. Just don't overlap. If your mom lives far away, MIL can deal with not seeing you for a week while she visits.

2) You see your MIL more than once a week? That's a lot. I think it's totally ok to have her a bit less involved in your lives, particularly as the kids get older and busier. Less interaction may actually help you deal with this better. And, please, it's not punishing anyone to see them three times a month instead of six. That's still a good deal of time.

3) You can't fix this. I think people often put really high expectations on IL relationships, when if we just hoped for friendly we'd all do a lot better. Accept the reality you got, rather than the dream that you wanted.

4) I wonder if DH really did you any favors telling you some of the details of those conversations. It's not like you and MIL are going to talk about it, so there's not much you can do other than try to drop it and move on. And, frankly, your MIL is insane if she can't just shut up and be grateful that you guys live close by and that she gets to see the grandkids all the time thanks to her gracious DIL. Sheesh.

This PP has a lot of good advice, but I think what this boils down to is the bolded. I also wish my MIL and mother got along better than they do. My mother felt slighted when my MIL didn't invite her to my BIL's rehearsal dinner and asked if she would babysit our daughter during the dinner...it's been almost three years and my mother has been very chilly to my MIL ever since. I definitely understand my mom's feelings were hurt, but she's also one to keep a hurt and turn it into a grudge, and that's sad to me. But I also realize I can't make her want to go out to lunch with my MIL, so I don't press it. Trying to control another person's behavior is so frustrating, OP - don't get caught up in it.

Anonymous wrote:My parents have a very good relationship with my ILs. And it is due to the fact that I have made it a point that they keep their distance from each other. I do not expect anything more than basic politeness from each set of parents to another.

So they are like acquaintances and thus on the best behavior in front of each other. The hearts and minds are not involved.

I also DO NOT DISCUSS any set of parents with the other. I give very brief amount of info to them.

I let my kids and parents/ILs have whatever kind of relationship they want with each other. I facilitate but do not interfere.

OP, there is no reason for the two set of grandparents to be friends. As long as politeness and courteous behavior is being followed by both sets - you should not worry about it.

Anonymous wrote:A few things:

1) Have your mother and MIL interact as little as possible. That means MIL doesn't get to come over when your mom comes to visit, unless it's something like a child's birthday or celebrating a major holiday. Just don't overlap. If your mom lives far away, MIL can deal with not seeing you for a week while she visits.

2) You see your MIL more than once a week? That's a lot. I think it's totally ok to have her a bit less involved in your lives, particularly as the kids get older and busier. Less interaction may actually help you deal with this better. And, please, it's not punishing anyone to see them three times a month instead of six. That's still a good deal of time.

3) You can't fix this. I think people often put really high expectations on IL relationships, when if we just hoped for friendly we'd all do a lot better. Accept the reality you got, rather than the dream that you wanted.

4) I wonder if DH really did you any favors telling you some of the details of those conversations. It's not like you and MIL are going to talk about it, so there's not much you can do other than try to drop it and move on. And, frankly, your MIL is insane if she can't just shut up and be grateful that you guys live close by and that she gets to see the grandkids all the time thanks to her gracious DIL. Sheesh.

Anonymous wrote:What exactly did your mom do? Sorry, details matter.