Anonymous
Post 09/06/2014 16:48     Subject: Parents who refuse to participate
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Do they have a large enough car/ extra boosters to be able to carpool?


OP has already said clearly that the two parents prefer NOT to carpool and would rather drive by themselves.

OP is the only one that actually wants to carpool.


She's trying to force other parents to do it her way. She should find someone else to carpool with or give up.
Anonymous
Post 09/06/2014 16:42     Subject: Parents who refuse to participate
Anonymous wrote:

I was the same - from about age 10 on if I wanted to go somewhere I had to walk. My parents never wanted me to have friends over. It was totally embarrassing that I could never reciprocate. Not saying you'd do this OP, but I still remember the day one of my friend's mom drive me home and grilled me as to why I couldn't have friends over. It was mortifying. On the other hand, I also remember the friend's mom who picked me up and dropped me off places constantly without ever making it seem like a big deal. In fact, she would often offer as part of the invitation because she knew I wouldn't be able to go wherever unless I had a ride. I'm sure it was annoying as anything for her but she never showed it.


OP, please don't do this.
Anonymous
Post 09/06/2014 16:37     Subject: Parents who refuse to participate
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, when I was growing up, my parents never wanted to drive me anywhere. I was conscious from a pretty early age of that kind of "mooch" feeling when other people's families do things that yours don't, like give rides or have friends over for dinner. On behalf of the kids for whom you are doing extra, I say thank you so much. You are making their childhood better. You are also helping your own child out by facilitating his friendships. When he is older, and possibly have kids of his own, he will appreciate even more that you did that for him.


I was the same - from about age 10 on if I wanted to go somewhere I had to walk. My parents never wanted me to have friends over. It was totally embarrassing that I could never reciprocate. Not saying you'd do this OP, but I still remember the day one of my friend's mom drive me home and grilled me as to why I couldn't have friends over. It was mortifying. On the other hand, I also remember the friend's mom who picked me up and dropped me off places constantly without ever making it seem like a big deal. In fact, she would often offer as part of the invitation because she knew I wouldn't be able to go wherever unless I had a ride. I'm sure it was annoying as anything for her but she never showed it.


I had the same experience growing up. I missed so many things. But there were a few parents who would drive me to and from activities and sleepovers. One mom even took me shoe shopping at the beginning if the school year every year. I am so thankful for them and have such wonderful memories of them. But honestly I am glad that none was so mean like you. They were wonderful people and I have worked to model my life after their example. Personally I never keep count.
Anonymous
Post 09/06/2014 16:37     Subject: Parents who refuse to participate
Anonymous wrote:Do they have a large enough car/ extra boosters to be able to carpool?


OP has already said clearly that the two parents prefer NOT to carpool and would rather drive by themselves.

OP is the only one that actually wants to carpool.
Anonymous
Post 09/06/2014 16:27     Subject: Parents who refuse to participate
Do they have a large enough car/ extra boosters to be able to carpool?
Anonymous
Post 09/06/2014 16:25     Subject: Parents who refuse to participate
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for your question. Carpool, playdate, activity, everything the other child is involved in! UGH.


My son has a friend like that. Thd WORKING moms do all the heavy lifting and this one SAHM sits on her ass and never offers to help. A few things:

-she has been ditched from the carpool group because she's useless. Now her working DH is the sole taxi for her child.
-honestly, she's batshit crazy. Having a crazy mom her kidss are probably going to be a mess so I try to redirect my son to hang out with other people. I'm sure she's just mentally ill.


God, you're a bitch. Those poor kids have a crazy mom and you're trying to make sure they don't have friends, either.

Anonymous
Post 09/06/2014 16:23     Subject: Parents who refuse to participate
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Politely but firmly say, "Larla's and Albert's mothers drove the carpool last season. It's time for you and Bartleby's parents to do your share this go round. Why don't you do drop offs and Bartleby's parent will do pick ups."



That's horrifying and extremely rude.



"Horrifying"? Hardly. It's very direct, I will give you that. But some people need that.


Yup.
Anonymous
Post 09/06/2014 16:21     Subject: Parents who refuse to participate
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Politely but firmly say, "Larla's and Albert's mothers drove the carpool last season. It's time for you and Bartleby's parents to do your share this go round. Why don't you do drop offs and Bartleby's parent will do pick ups."



That's horrifying and extremely rude.



"Horrifying"? Hardly. It's very direct, I will give you that. But some people need that.
Anonymous
Post 09/06/2014 16:19     Subject: Parents who refuse to participate
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for your question. Carpool, playdate, activity, everything the other child is involved in! UGH.


My son has a friend like that. Thd WORKING moms do all the heavy lifting and this one SAHM sits on her ass and never offers to help. A few things:

-she has been ditched from the carpool group because she's useless. Now her working DH is the sole taxi for her child.
-honestly, she's batshit crazy. Having a crazy mom her kidss are probably going to be a mess so I try to redirect my son to hang out with other people. I'm sure she's just mentally ill.
Anonymous
Post 09/06/2014 16:09     Subject: Parents who refuse to participate
Anonymous wrote:Politely but firmly say, "Larla's and Albert's mothers drove the carpool last season. It's time for you and Bartleby's parents to do your share this go round. Why don't you do drop offs and Bartleby's parent will do pick ups."



That's horrifying and extremely rude.
Anonymous
Post 09/06/2014 16:06     Subject: Parents who refuse to participate
OP, your post is totally confusing. If you can't even ask the question clearly to state what you want, no wonder people are walking all over you.

Short answer -- if there is an activity and my kid is going, I may offer to carpool with someone I don't offer to take their kid. If someone asks, I ask which part of the carpool they would like.

I know the kids lose, but the parents need to learn to do their share. I odn't have time to be a doormat.
Anonymous
Post 09/06/2014 16:05     Subject: Parents who refuse to participate
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Politely but firmly say, "Larla's and Albert's mothers drove the carpool last season. It's time for you and Bartleby's parents to do your share this go round. Why don't you do drop offs and Bartleby's parent will do pick ups."



Don't do this OP.

I am one of those parents who always volunteers to carpool and frankly, if I am going any way, and even if I'm not, I don't mind at all. It simply does not bother me. It never occurs to me to question why parent B is not volunteering. In fact I like to help. There are things I do not like to do and I do not do them-mainly I avoid anything that will put me center stage. I am a behind the scenes person. The other parents may be shy, suffer from extreme anxiety, agoraphobia etc. don't over think anything and assume that they would if they could.

My advice would be to not offer at all if you are offering grudgingly or expecting reciprocity. Do it if it gives you pleasure to help without counting the cost.
Most parents contribute in some way (at least in the private schools my kids attend) and not all the ways are necessarily visible.


+1 Well said, especially the part about not knowing what's going on behind closed doors with the parents. OP says it's "laziness." But you just never know what goes on with anyone.
Anonymous
Post 09/06/2014 16:02     Subject: Parents who refuse to participate
Anonymous wrote:Politely but firmly say, "Larla's and Albert's mothers drove the carpool last season. It's time for you and Bartleby's parents to do your share this go round. Why don't you do drop offs and Bartleby's parent will do pick ups."



Don't do this OP.

I am one of those parents who always volunteers to carpool and frankly, if I am going any way, and even if I'm not, I don't mind at all. It simply does not bother me. It never occurs to me to question why parent B is not volunteering. In fact I like to help. There are things I do not like to do and I do not do them-mainly I avoid anything that will put me center stage. I am a behind the scenes person. The other parents may be shy, suffer from extreme anxiety, agoraphobia etc. don't over think anything and assume that they would if they could.

My advice would be to not offer at all if you are offering grudgingly or expecting reciprocity. Do it if it gives you pleasure to help without counting the cost.
Most parents contribute in some way (at least in the private schools my kids attend) and not all the ways are necessarily visible.
Anonymous
Post 09/06/2014 16:02     Subject: Re:Parents who refuse to participate
I would focus on what your child is getting out of these friendships, and what you're willing to do without feeling resentful. For instance, if your child has a friend who's a wonderful child, good influence on your kid, healthy friendship, etc., have that child over as often as you are willing to host a playdate, and let go of the fact that the other parents don't reciprocate - the benefit to your child of encouraging the friendship can be the reward. Where the reward isn't there (e.g, driving a child who isn't adding anything to your child's enjoyment of an activity), bow out and do your own driving.
Anonymous
Post 09/06/2014 16:01     Subject: Parents who refuse to participate
Anonymous wrote:So basically you're feeling resentment about always having to cart around other people's kids? Yup, I would too. But don't take it out on the kids. It's not their fault their parents are jerks.



OP didn't say that the parents wanted to carpool without taking a turn driving.

OP specifically said that only ONE (I assume OP) of the parents wants to carpool and the other parents just prefer to drive separately.

TOTALLY different than being forced to cart around other people's kids without them reciprocating.