Anonymous
09/06/2014 20:50
Subject: need feedback from a cannabis user married to a non user or vice versa
OP I am really struck with the number of times you are qualifying your posts..."I know there's a spectum", "I'm not anti-pot!", etc. We don't need convincing. This is a board largely full of busy parents raising kids who just want the best for our familes. No one here is going to find a way to justify how to make your DH's behavior. It's clear he's tasked you (or you've tasked yourself) with finding this magical "non-addicted user"...then you can present your DH with a workable model that he can emulate, and it'll all work out. Except it won't. Either he's given you an impossible task so he can continue his behavior the way addicts do, or you've given it to yourself because you're not ready to let go.
I'm sorry it didn't work out. It sounds like he was once a man you loved very much. It's time to go. He will sink or swim, but you need to get your daughter (and yourself!) out of that environment. Otherwise, be prepared to have a child whose experience matches 19:35. Good luck.
I'm sorry it didn't work out. It sounds like he was once a man you loved very much. It's time to go. He will sink or swim, but you need to get your daughter (and yourself!) out of that environment. Otherwise, be prepared to have a child whose experience matches 19:35. Good luck.
Anonymous
09/06/2014 20:12
Subject: need feedback from a cannabis user married to a non user or vice versa
Sorry forgot to post the link to the story
http://m.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/524/i-was-so-high
http://m.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/524/i-was-so-high
Anonymous
09/06/2014 20:11
Subject: need feedback from a cannabis user married to a non user or vice versa
So I've had a couple experiences with this. One is my Dad who was a heavy user. I didn't realize he used it growing up, not until college did I find out, and not until my parents divorce over the last year did I learn how much he used. He is educated with a good job for the government, but it seemed to be one layer in a many layered mountain of mental health issues. My mom tried so hard to help him, but ultimately he didn't want to help himself (still blames her and can't take responsibility for any of his own actions).
The second experience is with my husband, who used to be a heavy user. He hasn't smoked in years, but recently decided to try it again. He started smoking every so often and when it happened a couple of times in one week, I asked him to cut back and he agreed. I told him I don't mind if the kids and me aren't around or on special/infrequent occasions, but I'm not okay with frequent use, he agreed and has been very respectful about it, although he doesn't fully understand or agree with my views, we found a compromise and I trust him and know he's not going to become a pothead.
One last thing, I heard this story a couple of months ago and thought it was really interesting, reminded me of my Dad and how pot can affect ones mind and the family articulated really well why it was upsetting for them to be living with this pothead (just the "Act One" the rest aren't as good)
The second experience is with my husband, who used to be a heavy user. He hasn't smoked in years, but recently decided to try it again. He started smoking every so often and when it happened a couple of times in one week, I asked him to cut back and he agreed. I told him I don't mind if the kids and me aren't around or on special/infrequent occasions, but I'm not okay with frequent use, he agreed and has been very respectful about it, although he doesn't fully understand or agree with my views, we found a compromise and I trust him and know he's not going to become a pothead.
One last thing, I heard this story a couple of months ago and thought it was really interesting, reminded me of my Dad and how pot can affect ones mind and the family articulated really well why it was upsetting for them to be living with this pothead (just the "Act One" the rest aren't as good)
Anonymous
09/06/2014 19:41
Subject: need feedback from a cannabis user married to a non user or vice versa
Anonymous wrote:OP here: Alanon question. Its not just for families of alcholics, right? The site is kind of too specific about the alcohol while I have heard its not actually just for families of alchoholics, but any addicts.
Yes, family members who are dealing with drug addiction often attend Al-Anon. Below is a link to Nar-Anon which is specifically for families of drug addicts.
http://www.nar-anon.org
Anonymous
09/06/2014 19:35
Subject: need feedback from a cannabis user married to a non user or vice versa
OP, I'm your daughter in this situation...my mom doesn't smoke and my dad is an avid smoker. They've had issues forever about it. Here's how it's turned out- I have lost respect for both my parents (my dad for never getting help and ignoring the problem and my mom for putting up/ignoring the problem), my dad is only nice when stoned, hates traveling to see his kids and grandkids unless he knows pot can be arranged, oh and my mom is a raging bitch because she is so resentful and angry.
So, yes, you can make the whole user/non-user relationship work (almost 40 years) but think about the ramifications carefully.
I don't think showing him how people who don't have addictive personalities can be successful with only smoking weekly/occasionally. You seem to understand he is an addict but seem to also think you can get him to become less frequent. Addicts don't do moderation. But, honestly, good luck!
So, yes, you can make the whole user/non-user relationship work (almost 40 years) but think about the ramifications carefully.
I don't think showing him how people who don't have addictive personalities can be successful with only smoking weekly/occasionally. You seem to understand he is an addict but seem to also think you can get him to become less frequent. Addicts don't do moderation. But, honestly, good luck!
Anonymous
09/06/2014 19:07
Subject: need feedback from a cannabis user married to a non user or vice versa
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Yes, I have been there. My now-XH also had ADD and medicated his anxiety with pot. He didn't smoke at home, but he was blazing with my BIL every chance he got. The pot-smoking contributed to the demise of both marriages. In my case, it wasn't the financial hit, but rather his inability/refusal to explore other coping skills. As a result, he couldn't handle a stressful situation if he wasn't stoned. And of course, he couldn't actually handle a stressful situation while he was stoned. So I ended up handling every crisis --often while he roamed around looking for someone to buy from. While I was pregnant, I couldn't stand the smell of it on his clothing and hair, so I begged him to quit. He did and then had a nervous breakdown/mental health crisis when the next round of stress hit.
We're divorced and he still smokes, is still a train wreck when there's an emergency. Pot is such a part of him that he will never quit. I just advise you to set your DH up with other coping mechanisms before you ask him to stop.
I don't know if pot is addictive, but it does create situations of mental dysfunction like alcohol or other drugs can. People with ADD or mental illness seem especially vulnerable to a dependency on pot to be able to navigate even normal stresses of everyday life.They also seem less likely to recognize that they have moved from recreational use to a problem.
I wish you luck and peace.
Medicating anxiety with pot???? I thought I'd heard it all! Pot causes horrible anxiety and paranoia. I've never seen someone with dx anxiety who could handle pot without completely freaking out.
Maybe some Sativas will increase anxiety for some people (they do for me), but Indica strains are very good at managing anxiety and anxiety disorders.
Anonymous
09/06/2014 18:54
Subject: need feedback from a cannabis user married to a non user or vice versa
OP here: Alanon question. Its not just for families of alcholics, right? The site is kind of too specific about the alcohol while I have heard its not actually just for families of alchoholics, but any addicts.
Anonymous
09/06/2014 18:19
Subject: need feedback from a cannabis user married to a non user or vice versa
I guess OP could be "Obnoxious Partner" hehehe. Then I was spot on!
Anonymous
09/06/2014 18:19
Subject: need feedback from a cannabis user married to a non user or vice versa
Anonymous wrote:OP here- yes, my OP also handles his anxiety with weed. It doesnt make him anxious. Ive never seen that in all these years.
Ugh, I meant MY DH. Ugh. Its been too long a day!!!!!
Anonymous
09/06/2014 18:18
Subject: need feedback from a cannabis user married to a non user or vice versa
OP here- yes, my OP also handles his anxiety with weed. It doesnt make him anxious. Ive never seen that in all these years.
Anonymous
09/06/2014 18:01
Subject: need feedback from a cannabis user married to a non user or vice versa
Anonymous wrote:Yes, I have been there. My now-XH also had ADD and medicated his anxiety with pot. He didn't smoke at home, but he was blazing with my BIL every chance he got. The pot-smoking contributed to the demise of both marriages. In my case, it wasn't the financial hit, but rather his inability/refusal to explore other coping skills. As a result, he couldn't handle a stressful situation if he wasn't stoned. And of course, he couldn't actually handle a stressful situation while he was stoned. So I ended up handling every crisis --often while he roamed around looking for someone to buy from. While I was pregnant, I couldn't stand the smell of it on his clothing and hair, so I begged him to quit. He did and then had a nervous breakdown/mental health crisis when the next round of stress hit.
We're divorced and he still smokes, is still a train wreck when there's an emergency. Pot is such a part of him that he will never quit. I just advise you to set your DH up with other coping mechanisms before you ask him to stop.
I don't know if pot is addictive, but it does create situations of mental dysfunction like alcohol or other drugs can. People with ADD or mental illness seem especially vulnerable to a dependency on pot to be able to navigate even normal stresses of everyday life.They also seem less likely to recognize that they have moved from recreational use to a problem.
I wish you luck and peace.
Medicating anxiety with pot???? I thought I'd heard it all! Pot causes horrible anxiety and paranoia. I've never seen someone with dx anxiety who could handle pot without completely freaking out.
Anonymous
09/06/2014 17:46
Subject: need feedback from a cannabis user married to a non user or vice versa
Anonymous wrote:OP, my best friend was exactly in your shoes 2 years ago. It was when she had the strength to leave for herself and her daughters (and not just an empty threat), that her husband got himself together, checked into rehab and admitted he had a problem with pot. It's been a long road out, but they're doing great. Going to individual therapy really helped her make the plan and tap into the strength she didn't realize was within her.
OP here. You are so kind to post this. Thank you.
Anonymous
09/06/2014 17:35
Subject: need feedback from a cannabis user married to a non user or vice versa
OP, my best friend was exactly in your shoes 2 years ago. It was when she had the strength to leave for herself and her daughters (and not just an empty threat), that her husband got himself together, checked into rehab and admitted he had a problem with pot. It's been a long road out, but they're doing great. Going to individual therapy really helped her make the plan and tap into the strength she didn't realize was within her.
Anonymous
09/06/2014 17:31
Subject: need feedback from a cannabis user married to a non user or vice versa
I am NOT anti weed either. Im really not. The fact that DH always tries to make me out to be that really hurts a lot too. Its so unfair and he is not treating me for who I actually am and what I am actually about: thruth, honesty, meeting someone where they are at lovingly. I have done all this. Its not exactly been returned in kind. We'll see.
As a friend of mine used to say "Something will happen."
As a friend of mine used to say "Something will happen."
Anonymous
09/06/2014 17:29
Subject: need feedback from a cannabis user married to a non user or vice versa
Op again- one more thing. I am not so much currently in a state of confusion or disorientation about what is happening. Im really just grieving. And Ive been here before, and its never a good feeling to return to.
At this point I need to decide what exactly I say to DH because, again, I am grieving for what has been lost, and I am not hopeful for change in the enduring pattern. But I also must remain in this situation for lack of any other viable option. I must somehow love him while slowly, ever so slowly, moving away from him. For the protection of my sanity as well as my daughters life.
It could be manageable if he was just a tad more reasonable. Im currently attempting to decide if its possible for him to be at all reasonable.
He sounds like a real ass, but he once was the love of my life. So that is why I am grieving.
At this point I need to decide what exactly I say to DH because, again, I am grieving for what has been lost, and I am not hopeful for change in the enduring pattern. But I also must remain in this situation for lack of any other viable option. I must somehow love him while slowly, ever so slowly, moving away from him. For the protection of my sanity as well as my daughters life.
It could be manageable if he was just a tad more reasonable. Im currently attempting to decide if its possible for him to be at all reasonable.
He sounds like a real ass, but he once was the love of my life. So that is why I am grieving.