Anonymous wrote:OP- I'm actually floored at the responses. I think your request is quite reasonable. I wouldn't ask my parents to help as they are too selfish but I hope my kids will ask me for help.

It is one thing to ask. Nobody is judging OP for that. It is a whole other to be a brat when the answer is a polite no.

You sound ridiculously self-centered. Your mom is keeping her obligations. Good for her. You should have thought this through and planned BEFORE you, not she, decided to have a third child.

Anonymous wrote:OP- I'm actually floored at the responses. I think your request is quite reasonable. I wouldn't ask my parents to help as they are too selfish but I hope my kids will ask me for help.

+1

OP- I'm actually floored at the responses. I think your request is quite reasonable. I wouldn't ask my parents to help as they are too selfish but I hope my kids will ask me for help.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- thanks for the replies. I asked her a while ago and just talked to her again and she said, "I so wish I could be there!"- like she was SO concerned for me- and I wanted to say- you COULD- the volunteer thing is a writing group that SHE organizes and controls the schedule for. She is always talking about how busy she is- hosting dinners and company- and just doesn't have any time to visit but says she wants to see us more. I think it is her attitude that is bothering me- call a spade a spade- you COULD come but your social life is way more important to you. I know I should be glad that she even says she cares- and to the snarky poster- I am looking into hiring someone for the time I need help- I just wanted to believe that it is family you can count on- because you can be sure if someone in my family needed me and I was in her position I would drop everything and do what I could.

So, her volunteer obligation is something that she is in charge of and others rely on her for? Maybe she really does wish she could be there, but she takes the promises that she makes to other people seriously. The social life that your dismiss is her friends and local support system.

I understand your frustration and hurt, but expecting other people to blow off their obligations for your convenience is a tall order. It's important, but not an emergency.

This...This...This...
Perhaps you are just hormonal and feeling overwhelmed and looking for mom to soothe that. I get that. While we are not a military family(and thank you for your familie's service), my DH travels a lot for work. Both my mom and MIL help out a lot. However, my DH is about to be gone for 2 weeks and neither is available to help. They are grown, retired but BUSY women. If your mom is like them, they spent their youth raising a family and working hard and now they in the season of their lives when they are able to participate and work on the things that give them pleasure and purpose. I cannot dismiss or belittle that due to my personal needs. Think about it, it's not a medical emergency and if you are not having a breakdown, consider cutting your mom a break. Maybe you could ask again if she could spare a few days around the actual birth. If not, try to move, not hold a grudge and actually be ok about it.
Best of luck!

I don't think the OP sounds entitled or bratty at all. She's going to have another baby, and she wants her mom to come and help out. Sounds perfectly reasonable to me. When my kids have children, I hope I'm able to help out and I would love it if they asked me to.

I would never ask my mom to help me, however, b/c I know she wouldn't (from having asked her before, and being told "I didn't have anyone helping me with my kids, why should you?").

OP, if you have a good relationship with your mom, you could probably talk openly to her and let her know that you really need her, and ask if there's any way for her to reschedule her book group. If she can't do it, then you'll at least have a fuller knowledge of your relationship, and you can move on.

And in my opinion, yes, a book group is way less important than one's daughter.

OP - I am a grandmother who does try to help out two daughters with young children in the DC area or down in our area if at all possible. I would admit that in doing so, I did make the decision to put any responsible volunteering with a definite scheduled date on hold for the last couple of years because something always seemed to come up that would preclude my making a long-term commitment. It was and is my decision to do so. At the same time, I have been urging one of our daughter's in NOVA to start to develop a network of college aged sitters as her children are 3.5 and 1.5, and so far she has failed to do so. We can see that her young boy is a real handful right now and I would say if you added a third to the mix, I with retired DH might not be able to watch all three alone for a couple of years. We are also very active in our sixties and have a daughter with a disability who lives with us and keeps us in an active schedule, too.

The point is that without knowing your Mom ,the extent of your young children's activity levels & behaviors as well as your approach to discipline etc., it may be in part that she could become overwhelmed and does not want to say so and risk insulting you and DH. There were real points on child-rearing twin girls with our other daughter that we disagreed with, but tried to hold our opinions. Now at 5.5 we can say to them why are you screaming like a 3 year old in a car seat and they have the ability to understand more the obnoxious and dangerous behavior. I can also see that as kids get older and behavior/routine becomes more expected that sitting for 2 or 3 is easier. So it could be that there are real reasons beyond just her volunteer work why she does not feel able to lend a hand.

My overall suggestion to you as a Mom with soon three young children is to find a college-aged sitter to come on a regular basis to give you some relief a bit before your husband will be gone so she will know the routine. You can advertise for a college sitter on Care.com in your area or I know that American University has a sitter list. If you can develop a couple of reliable sitters, it will be good for you and your husband to be able to get out at times, too, just to enjoy time together. The other suggestion would be an older age woman you might hear of through a church group who could use a little extra income and could handle it.

you COULD come but your social life is way more important to you.

OP, you are sounding like a brat.

She doesn't need to step-up to this. It is not her obligation.

She loves you. She is allowed to make choices

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe your mom doesn't want to come. Helping out a daughter with three small kids is a lot of work. Maybe she's being realistic about what she can actually do, and doesn't want to take on that amount of work. Maybe if you say something, she'll tell you the truth, instead of trying to evade nicely.

+1. Perhaps she learned her lesson with previous grandchildren. You're asking her to drop her obligations (as if they shouldn't matter to her) to come and do you a huge favor. And you act like that huge favor is something that she owes you.

The fact that you think her obligations don't matter and her friendships unimportant is telling. Sure, maybe she could make more time to visit you, but maybe she feels like you only want her to come when you need something from her. I'm not saying that's the case here for sure, but I've seen this pattern a lot--the parents invite the grandparents to come when they need babysitting or child care help, but not really otherwise, and they think grandparents should always be delighted to watch their kids and kind of owe them child care.

Anonymous wrote:OP here- thanks for the replies. I asked her a while ago and just talked to her again and she said, "I so wish I could be there!"- like she was SO concerned for me- and I wanted to say- you COULD- the volunteer thing is a writing group that SHE organizes and controls the schedule for. She is always talking about how busy she is- hosting dinners and company- and just doesn't have any time to visit but says she wants to see us more. I think it is her attitude that is bothering me- call a spade a spade- you COULD come but your social life is way more important to you. I know I should be glad that she even says she cares- and to the snarky poster- I am looking into hiring someone for the time I need help- I just wanted to believe that it is family you can count on- because you can be sure if someone in my family needed me and I was in her position I would drop everything and do what I could.

So, her volunteer obligation is something that she is in charge of and others rely on her for? Maybe she really does wish she could be there, but she takes the promises that she makes to other people seriously. The social life that your dismiss is her friends and local support system.

I understand your frustration and hurt, but expecting other people to blow off their obligations for your convenience is a tall order. It's important, but not an emergency.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- thanks for the replies. I asked her a while ago and just talked to her again and she said, "I so wish I could be there!"- like she was SO concerned for me- and I wanted to say- you COULD- the volunteer thing is a writing group that SHE organizes and controls the schedule for. She is always talking about how busy she is- hosting dinners and company- and just doesn't have any time to visit but says she wants to see us more. I think it is her attitude that is bothering me- call a spade a spade- you COULD come but your social life is way more important to you. I know I should be glad that she even says she cares- and to the snarky poster- I am looking into hiring someone for the time I need help- I just wanted to believe that it is family you can count on- because you can be sure if someone in my family needed me and I was in her position I would drop everything and do what I could.

Yes, she COULD give up the things that are important in her day-to-day life to be at your beck and call, just like you COULD put the new baby up for adoption and avoid having to be inconvenienced. Just because something is technically possible doesn't mean that it's no big deal or a reasonable hing to ask. She expresses love and concern and offers help and you're pissed that she isn't willing to bail on her existing commitments because you have more kids than you can handle?

So canceling some bullshit volunteering is equivalent to giving up baby for adoption?

OP you should be hurt but you know best whether you should say something

I can't imagine my mom leaving me in the lurch like that if she could help it. There are moms out there who help generously.

OP, did you suggest that she come for just a few days rather than the whole time? Is this typical behavior for her?

And, hey, thanks for your service along with your DH's.

her daughter really needing help

This does not change anything. She's being honest, and unfortunately has given you too much information - the excuse of volunteering so now you're judging that. She doesn't want to come. That doesn't mean she doesn't love and adore you. This is your life. These are the choices you've made. You aren't dying. Deal.

Anonymous wrote:Maybe your mom doesn't want to come. Helping out a daughter with three small kids is a lot of work. Maybe she's being realistic about what she can actually do, and doesn't want to take on that amount of work. Maybe if you say something, she'll tell you the truth, instead of trying to evade nicely.

+1. Perhaps she learned her lesson with previous grandchildren. You're asking her to drop her obligations (as if they shouldn't matter to her) to come and do you a huge favor. And you act like that huge favor is something that she owes you.

Anonymous wrote:Maybe your mom doesn't want to come. Helping out a daughter with three small kids is a lot of work. Maybe she's being realistic about what she can actually do, and doesn't want to take on that amount of work. Maybe if you say something, she'll tell you the truth, instead of trying to evade nicely.

This. I suspect your mom is overwhelmed and not sure she will be able to provide the help/support you need.