Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where are you in your life, OP? Are you a mother yet? I felt a lot like this before I became a mother. After I became a mother I began to realize that not everything my mother did was a concerted effort to be a bad mother. It was more a shoot-from-the-hip, doing the best she could kind of set up. Everyone is an imperfect mother. I'd like to mother my kids perfectly. I can't. I'd hate my little dramas to be held over my head. We all do the best we could. You're in therapy. Everything seems very intense right now. Let it go.

NP here. I experienced a lot of this - abuse, scapegoating, pretending everything is just fine in la la land - and had trouble processing it. I've been to many therapists but things crystallized (and came to an explosive head) just before I became a mother. In the months and now years after I first gave birth, I became even angrier that a parent could treat their own child this way. Some things are the era, or them "doing the best they can" (a phrase I hate because I feel like it makes excuses), and some things are inexcusable. I now have very limited contact with my mother and conversations are superficial. I hate it, but she refuses to deal in reality.

Anonymous wrote:Where are you in your life, OP? Are you a mother yet? I felt a lot like this before I became a mother. After I became a mother I began to realize that not everything my mother did was a concerted effort to be a bad mother. It was more a shoot-from-the-hip, doing the best she could kind of set up. Everyone is an imperfect mother. I'd like to mother my kids perfectly. I can't. I'd hate my little dramas to be held over my head. We all do the best we could. You're in therapy. Everything seems very intense right now. Let it go.

Anonymous wrote:You mentioned you had a mentally ill brother. Have you ever considered that your mother is mentally ill also? This doesn't excuse her behavior but may help explain it and thus help you let it go.

I married (unknowingly) into a family with a strong history of bipolar depression (exDH and MIL). One of the most interesting lessons I learned from this experience is how often aspects of mental illness are dismissed by family members as "choices". As in -- mom's just being manipulative, dad's a liar mom's just being dramatic, etc. IME, much of the drama in my in laws family was a function of the mania (impulsive behavior, grandiosity that can result in impatience and put downs of others, poor judgement, making inappropriate comments, money problems, romantic relationship problems, wild stories, misremembering events, substance abuse etc.) or the depression (severe irritability, severe anxiety, refusal to participate in important social events, substance abuse, etc.)

I think this misattribution is even more common when the mentally ill person manages to be highly functional in spite of it all (holds down a regular job or raises a family).

My experience with my mentally ill in laws, as well as with my own family (not mental illness but other issues) and as a parent myself have caused me to believe that we are basically responsible for parenting ourselves after age 18. In other words, when we know that we have problems, we are responsible for getting help for ourselves, building healthy relationships and giving ourselves the love and support we feel we missed.

I agree with another PP who said that by focusing on asking your Mom to get therapy, you are focusing too much on her. It's not wrong to ask her to get therapy; it's just that that is something you don't have any control over. Ask, but then figure out how you are going to organize your life so that you can get what positive aspects are possible out of your relationship with your Mom. You will need a therapist to help you figure out what it is reasonable to expect your Mom to give you (vs. what it is reasonable to expect from most Moms) and how to set boundaries and develop your habit of interaction in the best way for you. You will also need a therapist to help you figure out what you need and how to get that from sources other than your Mom (yourself, your own family, your friends, etc.)

Anonymous wrote:You mentioned you had a mentally ill brother. Have you ever considered that your mother is mentally ill also? This doesn't excuse her behavior but may help explain it and thus help you let it go.

I married (unknowingly) into a family with a strong history of bipolar depression (exDH and MIL). One of the most interesting lessons I learned from this experience is how often aspects of mental illness are dismissed by family members as "choices". As in -- mom's just being manipulative, dad's a liar mom's just being dramatic, etc. IME, much of the drama in my in laws family was a function of the mania (impulsive behavior, grandiosity that can result in impatience and put downs of others, poor judgement, making inappropriate comments, money problems, romantic relationship problems, wild stories, misremembering events, substance abuse etc.) or the depression (severe irritability, severe anxiety, refusal to participate in important social events, substance abuse, etc.)

I think this misattribution is even more common when the mentally ill person manages to be highly functional in spite of it all (holds down a regular job or raises a family).

My experience with my mentally ill in laws, as well as with my own family (not mental illness but other issues) and as a parent myself have caused me to believe that we are basically responsible for parenting ourselves after age 18. In other words, when we know that we have problems, we are responsible for getting help for ourselves, building healthy relationships and giving ourselves the love and support we feel we missed.

I agree with another PP who said that by focusing on asking your Mom to get therapy, you are focusing too much on her. It's not wrong to ask her to get therapy; it's just that that is something you don't have any control over. Ask, but then figure out how you are going to organize your life so that you can get what positive aspects are possible out of your relationship with your Mom. You will need a therapist to help you figure out what it is reasonable to expect your Mom to give you (vs. what it is reasonable to expect from most Moms) and how to set boundaries and develop your habit of interaction in the best way for you. You will also need a therapist to help you figure out what you need and how to get that from sources other than your Mom (yourself, your own family, your friends, etc.)