At least you and your husband are on the same "team", OP. That will go a long way.

Invite them to go on vacation with you instead of visiting them.

We have the same type of relationship with my in-laws. They take three expensive vacations a year but come to visit us maybe once or twice usually for less than 24 hours a trip, and then complain about how we never visit them. When we do visit them, the entire trip is full of child-unfriendly activities, plans, and meal times. We're also in the same boat in that it's way more expensive for us to visit (especially since the trip is a little too long to drive with two small kids, but relatively easily drivable if it's just two adults - even more so if you drive like a speed demon like FIL, which we do not). My husband recently had the exact conversation with his dad that you had with your in-laws and it did NOT go over well either. I don't have a solution but have lots of sympathy. FIL is not my favorite person but I really don't want to deprive my children of a grandparent, especially since they have already lost one. The best I have been able to come up with is inviting them down a LOT (which at least puts the onus on them to say no - then they can't complain we don't invite them) and trying to make one trip up a year. The first few were a disaster, but now I've started having my DH just TELL his dad what we need/are going to do. Dinner will need to be around 6 - not 3 PM not 9 PM if you want the kids to join. If you want to have an adult meal, we need to feed the kids around 6 PM and then put them to bed and can eat after they go to bed, etc. It's annoying and FIL sometimes shows his displeasure, but they usually comply - and I try to pick my battles (ie: go to boring museums and let the kids run in the courtyard while they look around but put my foot down about going out to long fancy meals where I know we are just setting ourselves up for disaster).

Older people no longer remember what it's like to have kids right in front of them. Even the most well-intentioned ILs or parents who want to "help" have no idea what that means. Have you considered taking your vacation somewhere and telling them they can meet you? This would be after you book so they can't negotiate the resort/place. With their own activities and lodging there's enough wiggle room to do some things separately.

Have Christmas at your house this year and let them know you will visit them when the kids are much older.
I totally understand how hard it is to be at someone house with kid. They don't have enough toys to keep themselves occupied and you have to be by their side all day long so they don't touch and/or break things. Different bed may also mean bad sleep and crankiness. It is very exhausted. You need to explain more detail about it if you want them to understand this point.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've told everybody: We want the kids to wake up in their own home for Christmas morning. Everyone is welcome to come stay with us, or stay in a hotel near by and come over!

PERIOD. It works, OP. It's a lifesaver! It's so logical--it's YOUR tree, decorated by the kids and you, and your presents, and your cookies and milk, and your fireplace that you can rig with balled up newspapers that will get crushed by Santa overnight as he steps out and into it. All the excitement is building, all month, IN YOUR HOUSE.

Now this means that no Christmas somewhere else. But you can always go somewhere on Christmas day or the 26th. Assuming they don't come your way, they don't exactly have to know about that...

Yup. We started doing exactly this once we had kids. We wanted to start our own traditions in our own house so our kids would have those memories, not memories of flight delays and sleeping in an unfamiliar place. My parents come every other year and spend the off years with my brother and his children.

We do the same thing.

Can you go on vacation in CA, but only stay with them for part of the time? Go to Disneyland or whatever for a few days as a family.

Dude, your MIL is absolutely crazy to say "the day is planned, it's a surprise!" with a toddler involved that she doesn't know very well!

Take your vacation, OP, invite them to Christmas, and then next year think about how the situation feels. Maybe you could meet at a third location for a family visit.

Anonymous wrote:I've told everybody: We want the kids to wake up in their own home for Christmas morning. Everyone is welcome to come stay with us, or stay in a hotel near by and come over!

PERIOD. It works, OP. It's a lifesaver! It's so logical--it's YOUR tree, decorated by the kids and you, and your presents, and your cookies and milk, and your fireplace that you can rig with balled up newspapers that will get crushed by Santa overnight as he steps out and into it. All the excitement is building, all month, IN YOUR HOUSE.

Now this means that no Christmas somewhere else. But you can always go somewhere on Christmas day or the 26th. Assuming they don't come your way, they don't exactly have to know about that...

Yup. We started doing exactly this once we had kids. We wanted to start our own traditions in our own house so our kids would have those memories, not memories of flight delays and sleeping in an unfamiliar place. My parents come every other year and spend the off years with my brother and his children.

If they can tell you they hate DC, I think it's more than fair for you to hate going out West.

When you discuss it with them, don't mention finances, just as you are entitled to decide to spend your money on vacation, they are entitled to decide how to spend theirs. Even if they do have a lot more of it.

I think it'll work best to just tell them your decision, and don't bring any of your reasoning in to it. "We've decided to stay home for Christmas this year. You're welcome to come out to visit, but if you can't, we understand." Repeat ad infinitum.

My family is like this. I used precious vacation time to visit when ds was younger and it blew.

Once ds turned three, I decided holidays at home only. Period. They are welcome to come, but I am not hauling christmas crap out to CA and back.

When we visit, we stay in a hotel and rent our own car. I send a list of specific places and things we want to do before the trip and invite them to come along. I give in to them on where they want to eat, within reason. My parent s often don't join us on the kid events, and that's fine. But there is no way I would agree to a modern art museum or anything along those lines with a kid under two. Unless grandparents grandparents are willing to shoulder the responsibility of carrying, hauling, etc (my in laws are great about this so for them I would (.

Finally, once my DS turned 4, I had a conversation with my mother basically saying it was killing us to have to spend vacation time and money on traveling to see them (they have never visited us in 7 years in DC). She agreed to pay for ds' airfare and she now covers pretty much all meals we have together. Dh and I feel thats a fair compromise. She will pay for #2's plane ticket when it comes to that. Separate rental car and hotel rooms are for my sanity so we pay for that. Along with adult airfare

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I don't think there is anything wrong with telling people that you want to stay home for the holidays, it is expensive for you to fly, that a trip with two kids is a lot of work. I also do not think there is anything wrong with you taking a vacation and not visiting in-laws. However, I would re-think telling someone what they can afford and saying they have to do the travelling. I just think it is rude to tell people what to do with their time and money. I wish I would tell my 70 yr old mom what to do with her money and time. I would get the hasty side eye, and I would deserve it! Open your home to them, be welcoming, say you would love to see them and accept if they don't always want to do the flying and visiting. Let each side do what works best for them without being offensive or easily offended.

They're crazy rich. There is no pretending they're poor. They know it too. And no, they won't give us money and my husband and I won't and haven't been asked to take their cash. If you can afford a tesla, you can afford coach tickets to DC.

op

I don't care if they are bill and melinda gates, you cannot tell them what to do with it. Grow up!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, there are other, easier choices here. Alternate who goes where for Xmas. When you guys go to CA, stay in a hotel. Plan some of your own activities when you're out there. Give a little.

See the problem is that we can't give a little. It's either a vacation with my family, or Christmas with them. They have way more money and vacation time than we do, so if they came here, we could have a our first vacation since 2012. But if they make us go there, we can't afford anything else really, and will have a terrible time. I am sure that when they're older they will expect us to visit more since they'll be too frail to fly much.

OP

I have 90 some yr old relatives who fly, stop assuming about some so-called obligations. Take the vacation you want and stop being a whiner and all up in their checkbook. Damn Girl, grow up.

Anonymous wrote: I don't think there is anything wrong with telling people that you want to stay home for the holidays, it is expensive for you to fly, that a trip with two kids is a lot of work. I also do not think there is anything wrong with you taking a vacation and not visiting in-laws. However, I would re-think telling someone what they can afford and saying they have to do the travelling. I just think it is rude to tell people what to do with their time and money. I wish I would tell my 70 yr old mom what to do with her money and time. I would get the hasty side eye, and I would deserve it! Open your home to them, be welcoming, say you would love to see them and accept if they don't always want to do the flying and visiting. Let each side do what works best for them without being offensive or easily offended.

They're crazy rich. There is no pretending they're poor. They know it too. And no, they won't give us money and my husband and I won't and haven't been asked to take their cash. If you can afford a tesla, you can afford coach tickets to DC.

op

I don't think there is anything wrong with telling people that you want to stay home for the holidays, it is expensive for you to fly, that a trip with two kids is a lot of work. I also do not think there is anything wrong with you taking a vacation and not visiting in-laws. However, I would re-think telling someone what they can afford and saying they have to do the travelling. I just think it is rude to tell people what to do with their time and money. I wish I would tell my 70 yr old mom what to do with her money and time. I would get the hasty side eye, and I would deserve it! Open your home to them, be welcoming, say you would love to see them and accept if they don't always want to do the flying and visiting. Let each side do what works best for them without being offensive or easily offended.