Anonymous
Post 08/27/2014 08:42     Subject: Rude In-Laws
OP your in laws messed up, but I'm really happy that you stood up for yourself and told them how upset you were that they didn't call or come over. It's more than I would have been able to do!
Anonymous
Post 08/27/2014 08:33     Subject: Re:Rude In-Laws
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here- Yes she did apologize and there was no funeral, as my mother made me vow not to have one, and this request was also in her will. What I did do is send out a memorial book with pictures of her over the years, obituary, etc. to family and friends, including my MIL and SIL.

Thanks for the feedback. If I am being ridiculous, I want to know, and maybe I am. It just hurts so much to lose my mother and not have the support I expected to receive. If I am being crazy, then I need to find a way to move forward, and it sounds like that is the consensus here.


OP, they messed up. And she apologized. Accept, make peace with it and move forward. the end of the day, they can't undo it and more importantly, it won't bring your mom back.


+1
Anonymous
Post 08/27/2014 08:20     Subject: Rude In-Laws
Anonymous wrote:OP here- My MIL said that she wanted to give me space. That really made no sense to me because I have seen her run over to people's houses with food, etc.. when they lose a family member. I realized that maybe she never liked me and I just never knew. Even if she didn't know what to say, she could have sent a card to let me know she cared. BTW, she is not elderly at all and gets around better than most 30 year olds.


This is an illogical conclusion. It doesn't make sense at all with what you've described.

You're legitimately hurt, but don't turn this into something it isn't.
Anonymous
Post 08/27/2014 08:17     Subject: Rude In-Laws
Funerals are for the living not the dead.

My mother passed away earlier this year and I just can't imagine what it would have been like had we had no wake, no funeral, no burial, no gathering of hundreds of people from different phases of her life to talk about her and celebrate her.

The lack of any funeral or other ritual/ceremony to celebrate and honor your mother may be weighing heavily on you.

Anonymous
Post 08/27/2014 07:56     Subject: Rude In-Laws
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, I am so sorry that you lost your mother. I think what some people are saying is wise. Your MIL and SIL sound like very self centered people. Now that you know that, you can remind yourself of this when dealing with them. That way, nothing should come as a surprise to you. Good luck!


I disagree that the inlaws are necesarily selfish. OP said they would come by to sit and talk with the mother when she was sick and even came to the moms last birthday. I think the lack of funeral may have confused them. OP, it sounds like it might benefit you to talk to a grief counselor. It sounds to me like you are grieiving and not tuned into how this is impacting your thought process.


+1
Anonymous
Post 08/27/2014 07:55     Subject: Rude In-Laws
Anonymous wrote:OP, I am so sorry that you lost your mother. I think what some people are saying is wise. Your MIL and SIL sound like very self centered people. Now that you know that, you can remind yourself of this when dealing with them. That way, nothing should come as a surprise to you. Good luck!


I disagree that the inlaws are necesarily selfish. OP said they would come by to sit and talk with the mother when she was sick and even came to the moms last birthday. I think the lack of funeral may have confused them. OP, it sounds like it might benefit you to talk to a grief counselor. It sounds to me like you are grieiving and not tuned into how this is impacting your thought process.
Anonymous
Post 08/27/2014 07:21     Subject: Re:Rude In-Laws
I'm sorry for your loss and your pain. My take is a little different in that I don't think your ILs are rude, they just didn't act as you wished them to. From your post, they aren't the most communicative of people. They knew you'd been caring for you mother for 3 years so her death wasn't unexpected. While you were expecting a call/condolence/etc., they don't seem to have been the type of people to do that. Most people do but not everyone. I don't know why you'd take this one situation and extrapolate that they never liked you - other than because of your hurt and anger. They're easy targets.
Anonymous
Post 08/27/2014 05:49     Subject: Rude In-Laws
Anonymous wrote:OP, I am so sorry that you lost your mother. I think what some people are saying is wise. Your MIL and SIL sound like very self centered people. Now that you know that, you can remind yourself of this when dealing with them. That way, nothing should come as a surprise to you. Good luck!


+1
Anonymous
Post 08/26/2014 23:43     Subject: Rude In-Laws
OP, I am so sorry that you lost your mother. I think what some people are saying is wise. Your MIL and SIL sound like very self centered people. Now that you know that, you can remind yourself of this when dealing with them. That way, nothing should come as a surprise to you. Good luck!
Anonymous
Post 08/26/2014 23:37     Subject: Re:Rude In-Laws
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here- Yes she did apologize and there was no funeral, as my mother made me vow not to have one, and this request was also in her will. What I did do is send out a memorial book with pictures of her over the years, obituary, etc. to family and friends, including my MIL and SIL.

Thanks for the feedback. If I am being ridiculous, I want to know, and maybe I am. It just hurts so much to lose my mother and not have the support I expected to receive. If I am being crazy, then I need to find a way to move forward, and it sounds like that is the consensus here.


Sorry for your loss. Since there was no funeral maybe they were unsure how to act or what that meant. I feel like your husband should have communicated to them your desire for them to come by, etc.

This OP.
You are hurting and want lash out and the mother that is still alive is the easiest target.
Sorry for your loss.
Anonymous
Post 08/26/2014 22:26     Subject: Rude In-Laws
Anonymous wrote:OP, would you consider grief counseling? When I lost my mom, I wound up being angry at a lot of things that never would have bothered me to that extent before her death. I was too upset to see the reason I was so angry was because I was so angry at the loss of my mom, and not the offending person


+1
If you are in the DC area, the William Wendt Center is an excellent resource for those dealing with loss. Even if you're not, the website has valuable information.
http://www.wendtcenter.org
Anonymous
Post 08/26/2014 22:24     Subject: Rude In-Laws
Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm so sorry for your loss.

Unfortunately, I've learned firsthand that death and grief do strange things to people, even those who are peripherally affiliated with the bereaved.

One of my closest friends lost a young child suddenly. My own parents were calling to check on me, came in for the child's funeral, send notes to my friend, still ask about friend. My ILs, however, live closer than my parents and they never, ever ask me about my friend, made an effort to attend the funeral, nothing. It's like this friend died along with her child.

My ILs are very selfish, self involved people with a narrow worldview. They simply don't think to ask because really, this friend and her grief doesn't concern them. Never did, never will. Yet, I have to hear all about every single funeral arrangement for their elderly third cousin or former neighbor they'd haven't seen in decades who died.

All this to say, I think your MIL is narrow minded and selfish, too. Sometimes older people can't real with any change in family dynamics so they kind of freeze and do...nothing. Perhaps your MIL in some weird way is trying to figure out what HER role in your life is now that you don't have your mom. Maybe she got overwhelmed by it all and just became apathetic.


This is very similar to what I was going to share with you, OP. My MIL is very self absorbed and selfish. Whenever she receives news, she first thinks about how it will affect her before responding appropriately to the person. For example, when DH told her we were expecting she never once reached out to me or acknowledged my pregnancy for 6 months until she saw me at a family gathering. All she was worried about was how my pregnancy would affect her relationship with her son (he does everything for her).

Your ILs may have been too absorbed with themselves (for whatever reason) and wondering how to interact with you, that they just didnt. It was wrong, but for the sake of your marriage and children, forgive them and continue to be cordial. And I am very sorry for your loss.
Anonymous
Post 08/26/2014 22:22     Subject: Re:Rude In-Laws
Anonymous wrote:OP here- Yes she did apologize and there was no funeral, as my mother made me vow not to have one, and this request was also in her will. What I did do is send out a memorial book with pictures of her over the years, obituary, etc. to family and friends, including my MIL and SIL.

Thanks for the feedback. If I am being ridiculous, I want to know, and maybe I am. It just hurts so much to lose my mother and not have the support I expected to receive. If I am being crazy, then I need to find a way to move forward, and it sounds like that is the consensus here.


OP, I don't think anyone is saying you are crazy. I think your feelings are justified, and even if they weren't, your feelings are your feelings. I think the point is, hanging on to the hurt doesn't benefit you in any way. You need to let it go for yourself, not for them. I do think grief counseling would be really helpful.

I'm sorry for the loss of your mom. It sounds like you went through a really hard time for many years. It's understandable that you would be struggling. I'm sorry you didn't get the support you needed.
Anonymous
Post 08/26/2014 22:15     Subject: Rude In-Laws
OP, I'm so sorry for your loss.

Unfortunately, I've learned firsthand that death and grief do strange things to people, even those who are peripherally affiliated with the bereaved.

One of my closest friends lost a young child suddenly. My own parents were calling to check on me, came in for the child's funeral, send notes to my friend, still ask about friend. My ILs, however, live closer than my parents and they never, ever ask me about my friend, made an effort to attend the funeral, nothing. It's like this friend died along with her child.

My ILs are very selfish, self involved people with a narrow worldview. They simply don't think to ask because really, this friend and her grief doesn't concern them. Never did, never will. Yet, I have to hear all about every single funeral arrangement for their elderly third cousin or former neighbor they'd haven't seen in decades who died.

All this to say, I think your MIL is narrow minded and selfish, too. Sometimes older people can't real with any change in family dynamics so they kind of freeze and do...nothing. Perhaps your MIL in some weird way is trying to figure out what HER role in your life is now that you don't have your mom. Maybe she got overwhelmed by it all and just became apathetic.
Anonymous
Post 08/26/2014 22:01     Subject: Re:Rude In-Laws
Anonymous wrote:OP here- Yes she did apologize and there was no funeral, as my mother made me vow not to have one, and this request was also in her will. What I did do is send out a memorial book with pictures of her over the years, obituary, etc. to family and friends, including my MIL and SIL.

Thanks for the feedback. If I am being ridiculous, I want to know, and maybe I am. It just hurts so much to lose my mother and not have the support I expected to receive. If I am being crazy, then I need to find a way to move forward, and it sounds like that is the consensus here.


Is it possible this influenced their behavior?

This is a very unusual arrangement, and perhaps it threw them off and they thought just stepping back was the best thing to do.

I wouldn't necessarily assume the worst given the unusual wishes of your mother.