Anonymous
08/24/2014 18:23
Subject: Re:Did therapy help your sex life?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Op here.
I totally get being a phase of not wanting to have sex as much as usual. We all go through that but all the freakin time?
I don't even think he pleasures himself which makes me worry about his health.
Isn't sexual release an important bodily function?
It's the drugs and alcohol. Can he substain and you can see if it improves? My husband almost always chooses alcohol over sex with me and I'm used to it. I don't fight it anymore.
He definitely chooses that over me too it feels like. Especially since the same time we'd be having sex is after kids in bed and he's already drinking.
Are you just going to accept it? It's starting to feel like a deal breaker for me.
I won't leave him and I'm happily maried. However, I get extremely frustrated at times over it. I really enjoy sex and would like it at least 2-3 x a week. We are prob having it 4 times a month and that's mostly due to his drinking.
I've felt the same way you do and know what you're going through. It's really sad. It makes me lonely at times as I want that connection with my spouse.
I would love to have it at least 4 times a month! I feel starved for affection! I am happy about other things in our relationship but I am so frustrated too.
I wonder if I asked him about having something on the side would be unrealistic at this point if we stayed together.
I feel like he may even be relieved....
.
I think you need to make it clear that you need and desire sex. How important it is to you and is non-negotiable.
Op here,
I've made it clear how I want and need it but it just never manifests itself. I get sick of talking about it and just give up.
In terms of how much, I would say 2-3 beers + 2-3 hard liquor drinks per night. Marijuana is everyday.
That's problematic. This is not a healthy consumption. Start with that. Have you ever told him you're concerned about both the frequency and the amount he consumes? How long can he go without having to drink or smoke pot?
Anonymous
08/24/2014 18:19
Subject: Re:Did therapy help your sex life?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Op here.
I totally get being a phase of not wanting to have sex as much as usual. We all go through that but all the freakin time?
I don't even think he pleasures himself which makes me worry about his health.
Isn't sexual release an important bodily function?
It's the drugs and alcohol. Can he substain and you can see if it improves? My husband almost always chooses alcohol over sex with me and I'm used to it. I don't fight it anymore.
He definitely chooses that over me too it feels like. Especially since the same time we'd be having sex is after kids in bed and he's already drinking.
Are you just going to accept it? It's starting to feel like a deal breaker for me.
I won't leave him and I'm happily maried. However, I get extremely frustrated at times over it. I really enjoy sex and would like it at least 2-3 x a week. We are prob having it 4 times a month and that's mostly due to his drinking.
I've felt the same way you do and know what you're going through. It's really sad. It makes me lonely at times as I want that connection with my spouse.
I would love to have it at least 4 times a month! I feel starved for affection! I am happy about other things in our relationship but I am so frustrated too.
I wonder if I asked him about having something on the side would be unrealistic at this point if we stayed together.
I feel like he may even be relieved....
.
I think you need to make it clear that you need and desire sex. How important it is to you and is non-negotiable.
Op here,
I've made it clear how I want and need it but it just never manifests itself. I get sick of talking about it and just give up.
In terms of how much, I would say 2-3 beers + 2-3 hard liquor drinks per night. Marijuana is everyday.
Anonymous
08/24/2014 10:04
Subject: Re:Did therapy help your sex life?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Op here.
I totally get being a phase of not wanting to have sex as much as usual. We all go through that but all the freakin time?
I don't even think he pleasures himself which makes me worry about his health.
Isn't sexual release an important bodily function?
It's the drugs and alcohol. Can he substain and you can see if it improves? My husband almost always chooses alcohol over sex with me and I'm used to it. I don't fight it anymore.
He definitely chooses that over me too it feels like. Especially since the same time we'd be having sex is after kids in bed and he's already drinking.
Are you just going to accept it? It's starting to feel like a deal breaker for me.
I won't leave him and I'm happily maried. However, I get extremely frustrated at times over it. I really enjoy sex and would like it at least 2-3 x a week. We are prob having it 4 times a month and that's mostly due to his drinking.
I've felt the same way you do and know what you're going through. It's really sad. It makes me lonely at times as I want that connection with my spouse.
I would love to have it at least 4 times a month! I feel starved for affection! I am happy about other things in our relationship but I am so frustrated too.
I wonder if I asked him about having something on the side would be unrealistic at this point if we stayed together.
I feel like he may even be relieved....
.
I think you need to make it clear that you need and desire sex. How important it is to you and is non-negotiable.
Anonymous
08/24/2014 10:01
Subject: Did therapy help your sex life?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Together 10+ years with 2 kids. Dh has never matched mine. He is fine with going weeks or even months without it.
I just can't deal anymore. I'd be happy with at least once a week. Always says it's stress and work etc....
I just don't even ask anymore and so it's been several months of no intimacy.
Anyone find therapy hElpful with something like this?
I don't want someone to feel forced to want to be with me sexually. In addition, I prefer a man who is more aggressive in bed.
is therapy even worth it for this or do I need to accept this is how it will be and move on from there?
Thanks in advance
what does that mean?? for a man that still doesn't understand women
how should a man be aggressive in bed?
A man who pursues sex with his SO and has a sex drive. Wants blowjobs, comes onto his SO, etc. Not a man that's drunk and stoned and unwilling to make a move.
Anonymous
08/24/2014 09:34
Subject: Re:Did therapy help your sex life?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Ugh that makes sense then with the frequency of his consumption.
I don't think he will be able to give it up though....
Would it affect his libido so much that he would seem totally disinterested in sex though?
Absolutely. If he is self-medicating for depression, then yes. Lack of sex drive is a common symptom of depression. Deal with the alcohol and marijuana, and my guess is that a lot will improve in many areas.
How much is he using and how often?
Surely didn't decrease my exes drive. I have heard and read this, but have not found it to be true.
Anonymous
08/24/2014 08:12
Subject: Re:Did therapy help your sex life?
OP you are entitled to a healty sex life with your spouse. Men need a release so if he really isnt masturbating that is really strange. It is pathological for a man to not want sex at least occasionally. I dont know if counselling works but try direct communication first. He may give you a hall pass to take a lover.
I drink and smoke weed and while it may have transient effects on erection quality it doesnt affect desire, especially after I sober up. weed without booze is usually an aphrodisiac
I drink and smoke weed and while it may have transient effects on erection quality it doesnt affect desire, especially after I sober up. weed without booze is usually an aphrodisiac
Anonymous
08/23/2014 22:48
Subject: Re:Did therapy help your sex life?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Ugh that makes sense then with the frequency of his consumption.
I don't think he will be able to give it up though....
Would it affect his libido so much that he would seem totally disinterested in sex though?
Absolutely. If he is self-medicating for depression, then yes. Lack of sex drive is a common symptom of depression. Deal with the alcohol and marijuana, and my guess is that a lot will improve in many areas.
How much is he using and how often?
alcohol definitely is a depressant drug, it will reduce the drive for sex.
Marijuana is not the same type of drug, many people on marijuana have an increased sex drive.
I would not combine these 2 drugs into the same thing.
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/all-about-sex/201003/how-does-marijuana-affect-your-sex-life
Anonymous
08/23/2014 22:44
Subject: Did therapy help your sex life?
Anonymous wrote:Together 10+ years with 2 kids. Dh has never matched mine. He is fine with going weeks or even months without it.
I just can't deal anymore. I'd be happy with at least once a week. Always says it's stress and work etc....
I just don't even ask anymore and so it's been several months of no intimacy.
Anyone find therapy hElpful with something like this?
I don't want someone to feel forced to want to be with me sexually. In addition, I prefer a man who is more aggressive in bed.
is therapy even worth it for this or do I need to accept this is how it will be and move on from there?
Thanks in advance
what does that mean?? for a man that still doesn't understand women
how should a man be aggressive in bed?
Anonymous
08/23/2014 21:25
Subject: Did therapy help your sex life?
How much and how often does he consume. He may well be self-medicating, but I'm a little sensitive to that sort of accusation after I had a falling out with my Pentecostal girlfriend who told me my not at all unreasonable levels of drinking were signs of alcoholism.
Anonymous
08/23/2014 21:21
Subject: Did therapy help your sex life?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Is he an alcoholic, OP? That seems like the bigger issue. As PP mentioned, it sounds like he is self-medicating. Clearly something is very wrong and it goes beyond his sex drive.
It's almost like saying, "DH doesn't help with chores. Could it be because he is drunk and stoned every night? I don't think he'll quit the booze and drugs so how can I get him to help out around the house?". The drunk and stoned part shouldn't be an afterthought.
You are so very right.
The drinking and drug use
Must be an indication of something else and probably affecting everything else.
Thanks for the wake up call. Now what to do from here...
17:29 here. Basically I posted the same thing: deal with the drinking and drugging. I'm glad PP was able to frame it in a way that made it clear for you.
You could start with seeing a therapist that specializes in addiction or depression issues. You could read some books or research the internet. It sounds like you might need to first understand what's going on for him and how you might approach it.
Anonymous
08/23/2014 21:14
Subject: Did therapy help your sex life?
Anonymous wrote:Is he an alcoholic, OP? That seems like the bigger issue. As PP mentioned, it sounds like he is self-medicating. Clearly something is very wrong and it goes beyond his sex drive.
It's almost like saying, "DH doesn't help with chores. Could it be because he is drunk and stoned every night? I don't think he'll quit the booze and drugs so how can I get him to help out around the house?". The drunk and stoned part shouldn't be an afterthought.
You are so very right.
The drinking and drug use
Must be an indication of something else and probably affecting everything else.
Thanks for the wake up call. Now what to do from here...
Anonymous
08/23/2014 20:16
Subject: Did therapy help your sex life?
Is he an alcoholic, OP? That seems like the bigger issue. As PP mentioned, it sounds like he is self-medicating. Clearly something is very wrong and it goes beyond his sex drive.
It's almost like saying, "DH doesn't help with chores. Could it be because he is drunk and stoned every night? I don't think he'll quit the booze and drugs so how can I get him to help out around the house?". The drunk and stoned part shouldn't be an afterthought.
It's almost like saying, "DH doesn't help with chores. Could it be because he is drunk and stoned every night? I don't think he'll quit the booze and drugs so how can I get him to help out around the house?". The drunk and stoned part shouldn't be an afterthought.
Anonymous
08/23/2014 18:55
Subject: Re:Did therapy help your sex life?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Op here.
I totally get being a phase of not wanting to have sex as much as usual. We all go through that but all the freakin time?
I don't even think he pleasures himself which makes me worry about his health.
Isn't sexual release an important bodily function?
It's the drugs and alcohol. Can he substain and you can see if it improves? My husband almost always chooses alcohol over sex with me and I'm used to it. I don't fight it anymore.
He definitely chooses that over me too it feels like. Especially since the same time we'd be having sex is after kids in bed and he's already drinking.
Are you just going to accept it? It's starting to feel like a deal breaker for me.
I won't leave him and I'm happily maried. However, I get extremely frustrated at times over it. I really enjoy sex and would like it at least 2-3 x a week. We are prob having it 4 times a month and that's mostly due to his drinking.
I've felt the same way you do and know what you're going through. It's really sad. It makes me lonely at times as I want that connection with my spouse.
I would love to have it at least 4 times a month! I feel starved for affection! I am happy about other things in our relationship but I am so frustrated too.
I wonder if I asked him about having something on the side would be unrealistic at this point if we stayed together.
I feel like he may even be relieved....
.
Anonymous
08/23/2014 18:39
Subject: Re:Did therapy help your sex life?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Op here.
I totally get being a phase of not wanting to have sex as much as usual. We all go through that but all the freakin time?
I don't even think he pleasures himself which makes me worry about his health.
Isn't sexual release an important bodily function?
It's the drugs and alcohol. Can he substain and you can see if it improves? My husband almost always chooses alcohol over sex with me and I'm used to it. I don't fight it anymore.
He definitely chooses that over me too it feels like. Especially since the same time we'd be having sex is after kids in bed and he's already drinking.
Are you just going to accept it? It's starting to feel like a deal breaker for me.
I won't leave him and I'm happily maried. However, I get extremely frustrated at times over it. I really enjoy sex and would like it at least 2-3 x a week. We are prob having it 4 times a month and that's mostly due to his drinking.
I've felt the same way you do and know what you're going through. It's really sad. It makes me lonely at times as I want that connection with my spouse.
Anonymous
08/23/2014 18:38
Subject: Did therapy help your sex life?
In my case, however, I don't have to take my beer on date night to get it in the mood (assuming nothing else happens to piss it off sometime during the day).