Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again: I'm really hoping she doesn't end up staying at home, even if we can swing it in 12 months. The prospect of a woman at home with no adult interaction most of the day, no male attention except mine at the end of a long day ... I don't think that kind of pressure is all that great for a relationship. I want her to work, to be excited to leave home in the morning, and excited to come back in the evening. But then, I'm not a lawyer, so my day job is more tolerable, if less remunerative.

WTF? You really think SAHMs actually stay at home by themselves with a baby all day long? No. No we do not. I (and my baby) am out of the house every single day, interacting with all kinds of people as I run errands, meet friends for lunch, for coffee, for playdates, go to friends' houses, etc.

Really, your wife needs to suck it up. Everyone makes sacrifices for the family.

Yes, this OP update out of the blue (above) is kind of crazy. You sounded reasonable until all of these SAH assumptions.

Anonymous wrote:Baby is 10 months. She's been back 6, but is leaving the firm to take a government job with more reliable schedule and catastrophically lower pay. But she's not enthusiastic about the move, because 9 to 5 still feels to her like it will be too few hours with the kid. For me, an hour in the morning and two at night is plenty on weekdays. Not for her. I cannot tell her to "suck it up."

Because you're a man!!!!! That's why that's all the time you need. You don't have the innate bond to this baby that she does. Do you even appreciate what she did for you and the child she have you? Do you think being pregnant and having a baby and then being forced to leave the baby is easy for her? Good grief.

My advice... Make sure she does NOT get pregnant again.

My wife went through something similar. She was exceptionally torn about staying at work. She quit. We tightened our budgets and agreed that if I was the sole breadwinner then she'd have to get comfortable with that - I can't be home to take care of the kids cause she wants to grab lunch with a friend. She got that.

It was miserable for both of us. She had visions of unicorns shitting rainbows but the truth of it is being a SAHM is more work than going to work. Perhaps more fulfilling but certainly more exhausting. It's not yoga pants and mocha lattes with your girlfriends talking about whether you are on team Bella or some shit, it's sitting around with poopy diapers, dirty dishes, bills, cleaning, drop offs, and 37 seconds a day to quietly cry in a corner. The lack of adult interaction was tough for her.

It was horseshit for me. I'd come home to a flustered and exhausted wife who had little to no energy left to hang out with me, much less anything romantic. She didn't mean to but she got a little resentful I think of my work - two days in Miami for a conference turns into "well that must be nice". She was joking but there was clearly an undercurrent of frustration. That then manifested in my feeling guilty, so I'd try to get out of things at work which was probably not a terribly smart career move at least in the long run.

Money became more of an issue but not in the way we thought it might. Financially we were fine, but my wife felt more guilty doing things like getting a massage or haircut or anything else for herself. I had to push her to do these things anyway, but she always felt like she shouldn't do it, and it became clear she thought she wasn't "contributing" to the household.

She lasted just over a year before she decided to go back. The never ending grind of kids 24/7, the condescending stares from working moms (which you also get from stay at home moms if you work), the self imposed stresses, however silly, of money, the lack of adult interaction, and the difficulty in my job, made it all not worthwhile.

She ended up moving to a non profit with slightly more flexible hours (and a little less pay) and is much happier. The commute from VA probably made it a bit of a wash in terms of time with the kids but mentally it feels different.

My advice: look for alternate options outside of quitting. Part time work, different company, etc.

Anonymous wrote:Going back to work as a lawyer after you have a baby can be really hard. I know. I did it. My job was awful. I worked for a megalomaniac boss easily 60 hours per week and more if I had trials. I was so unhappy. I finally quit and went to work for myself. I work about half as many hours, make more money, and largely control my own schedule. I would not have been able to make the balance that I have if I had quit when I was unhappy with a baby. And I am soooooo thankful that I stuck it out now. When my child was in daycare, the childcare schedule was predictable and reliable. Once you have school age children, there is no childcare for school vacations, teacher workday, and summer vacation so the flexibility to control my schedule became much more important once my child hit elementary school. And even in MS it can still be a struggle to keep all the balls in the air.

What to do though. What I wanted to hear from my husband while I was struggling to keep my nose and lips above the water line:

1. You are a great mom.
2. I know how hard you are working and that this is not easy.
3. Let's make a list of all the crap that needs to get done every day and divide it up.
4. If you just can't handle seeing my mom over the weekend, I understand.
5. Sleep in. I will handle the morning.
6. You look beautiful. I love you.

This is very thoughtful advice.

Anonymous wrote:I offered. She says no. We just bought the house 10 months ago. She's not willing to do anything radical like that. I would certainly be reluctant to, as well.

Then you're both stuck for a year. Tough luck.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Baby is 10 months. She's been back 6, but is leaving the firm to take a government job with more reliable schedule and catastrophically lower pay. But she's not enthusiastic about the move, because 9 to 5 still feels to her like it will be too few hours with the kid. For me, an hour in the morning and two at night is plenty on weekdays. Not for her. I cannot tell her to "suck it up."

And then she will quit, stay at home, and feel like 8 hours a day is too much with the kid and why don't you do more to help out? And then she will start with why don't you make more money so she can do all the things the other mommies do in her playgroup - shop, shop, baby activities, shop, eat out.

Yes, you tell your wife she is an adult and to start acting like one. You do not have the resources for her to sit at home without making serious lifestyle changes. If she doesn't want to do that, then stop whining. And just in case she might try the more stupid tactic of claiming divorce - ha, ha - jokes on her bc she will now parent her child half the time, with half the money.

wow, PP, I guess you haven't had your coffee yet...

Anonymous wrote:Baby is 10 months. She's been back 6, but is leaving the firm to take a government job with more reliable schedule and catastrophically lower pay. But she's not enthusiastic about the move, because 9 to 5 still feels to her like it will be too few hours with the kid. For me, an hour in the morning and two at night is plenty on weekdays. Not for her. I cannot tell her to "suck it up."

And then she will quit, stay at home, and feel like 8 hours a day is too much with the kid and why don't you do more to help out? And then she will start with why don't you make more money so she can do all the things the other mommies do in her playgroup - shop, shop, baby activities, shop, eat out.

Yes, you tell your wife she is an adult and to start acting like one. You do not have the resources for her to sit at home without making serious lifestyle changes. If she doesn't want to do that, then stop whining. And just in case she might try the more stupid tactic of claiming divorce - ha, ha - jokes on her bc she will now parent her child half the time, with half the money.

Anonymous wrote:Baby is 10 months. She's been back 6, but is leaving the firm to take a government job with more reliable schedule and catastrophically lower pay. But she's not enthusiastic about the move, because 9 to 5 still feels to her like it will be too few hours with the kid. For me, an hour in the morning and two at night is plenty on weekdays. Not for her. I cannot tell her to "suck it up."

OP, instead of trying to come up with some magical solution that will work for everyone, just focus on supporting how she is feeling right now. Just listen to her and paraphrase back what she's saying. No problem solving: "So it's really important that you get to spend several hour a day with Pierpont. And your worried that this new govt job, while fewer hours than the other job, still won't get you the hours you want with him." And then just listen some more.

Sometimes I'm just feeling frustrated or upset by a situation, and I need to just be "in that moment." I get that it sucks and that there's not a lot of solutions. I don't need someone to fix it because I know it can't be fixed. I just need someone to "get" my frustration. Then I move on and "suck it up." Just because she's upset doesn't mean she's expecting you to fix it or that she can't deal with it. I hope that makes sense.

Baby is 10 months. She's been back 6, but is leaving the firm to take a government job with more reliable schedule and catastrophically lower pay. But she's not enthusiastic about the move, because 9 to 5 still feels to her like it will be too few hours with the kid. For me, an hour in the morning and two at night is plenty on weekdays. Not for her. I cannot tell her to "suck it up."

How long has she been back? How old is the baby?

Going back to work as a lawyer after you have a baby can be really hard. I know. I did it. My job was awful. I worked for a megalomaniac boss easily 60 hours per week and more if I had trials. I was so unhappy. I finally quit and went to work for myself. I work about half as many hours, make more money, and largely control my own schedule. I would not have been able to make the balance that I have if I had quit when I was unhappy with a baby. And I am soooooo thankful that I stuck it out now. When my child was in daycare, the childcare schedule was predictable and reliable. Once you have school age children, there is no childcare for school vacations, teacher workday, and summer vacation so the flexibility to control my schedule became much more important once my child hit elementary school. And even in MS it can still be a struggle to keep all the balls in the air.

What to do though. What I wanted to hear from my husband while I was struggling to keep my nose and lips above the water line:

1. You are a great mom.
2. I know how hard you are working and that this is not easy.
3. Let's make a list of all the crap that needs to get done every day and divide it up.
4. If you just can't handle seeing my mom over the weekend, I understand.
5. Sleep in. I will handle the morning.
6. You look beautiful. I love you.

Anonymous wrote:OP again: I'm really hoping she doesn't end up staying at home, even if we can swing it in 12 months. The prospect of a woman at home with no adult interaction most of the day, no male attention except mine at the end of a long day ... I don't think that kind of pressure is all that great for a relationship. I want her to work, to be excited to leave home in the morning, and excited to come back in the evening. But then, I'm not a lawyer, so my day job is more tolerable, if less remunerative.

WTF? You really think SAHMs actually stay at home by themselves with a baby all day long? No. No we do not. I (and my baby) am out of the house every single day, interacting with all kinds of people as I run errands, meet friends for lunch, for coffee, for playdates, go to friends' houses, etc.

Really, your wife needs to suck it up. Everyone makes sacrifices for the family.

Your life will be so much better if she stays at home. Time to work on a second child!

Sounds like your wife is right. You are stuck. She needs to suck it up.

It's great that you want to "solve" this for her but being an adult means you don't always get what you want. That's life.